If In Doubt, Get Ya Tits Out

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Ireally admire people who have that get up and go. I don’t mean they want something from the shop and just get up and go and get it. I mean they move to the other side of the world where they hardly know anyone and start a new life. A few years ago I was contemplating emigrating to Australia. I got the work permit sorted, everything was all systems go, and then I got cold feet. I didn’t actually shoot off and join the cast of Bondi Rescue as much as Rod Kerr would have liked me to. I’m sure I would have made a great lifeguard but I settled for bearkeeper.

Does Chimpton Have Asperger Syndrome?

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Here at Jammy Toast we have joked about Chimpton and her Mental Health Issues over the years. So the other day I was reading about Gary McKinnon from posts we had put on Jammy Toast during the trial over his extradition to America. For those with a short memory, he stood trial for spying and hacking American government computers. Gary’s defence was that he was searching for evidence of America covering up the existence of UFOs and had nothing to do with spying. Gary’s defence also used the fact that he suffers from Asperger Syndrome. I realised that although I have heard the term used many times, I didn’t actually know what Asperger Syndrome was. Time for a little research…

Chimpton For Sale

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Iwas under the impression that we couldn’t get much lower here on Jammy Toast. We have previously had a Teddy Bear’s Picnic in Wallasey Central Park when we were pointed at by children and adults alike. Many of whom probably thinking we were certifiable. We have had a Tomato Fight in Birkenhead Park with Chimpton stripping down to her underwear so as not to get tomatoes on her clothes – the shame! We have had her jail-baiting American’s in the Dominican Republic not to mention leading barmen on in Portugal and lusting after German tourists in Speedos. Now the lowest of the low; last night she was not only flashing her bits but encouraging others to do the same! All this and much, much more has lead me to believe it is time to cut our losses and sell Chimpton to the highest bidder.

Confessions Of A Bearkeeper

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Dr Davidd OBE DASc & The Real Slim Shady Chimpton.

On Saturday I told you all that we had lied about the identity of my Vietnamese born daughter and that she was really the girl in the pictures. Well – as most of you did in fact realise, judging by the comments we received – I did in fact lie! There is no way I would have paid £2.50 for the girl in Saturday’s pictures. In fact, they would have had to pay me a great deal more to cart “her” away. When I say “her” I am revealing another lie because the girl in the pictures isn’t even the same girl, but two different girls. However, both girls featured in Saturday’s story – and this is the scary bit – are both the same age as Chimpton. Actually they were both in her class at school.

Ice Cream Sunday

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Birkenhead Docks 1972, Chimpton and her brother wait to be purchased.

It was Chimpton’s Birthday on Saturday and so we decided to meet up for one of our infamous Ice Cream Runs on Sunday. We usually have a laugh and sit in the car park of McDonald’s for a couple of hours – me eating my Crème Egg McFlurry and Chimpton munching on her Caramel McFlurry. Once these are consumed the skitting starts in earnest. Some of the parking has to be seen to be believed and the best of it we post in the Facebook group – Parking Like A Twat, Merseyside. If you don’t follow this group I can fully recommend it, see if there is one in your area and if so join up. It is full of people who just can’t manage to get a car into a parking bay and we don’t mean they miss by inches – we are talking about half-a-car width out!

Invasion Of The Body Snatchers

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Chimpton when she was at Secondary School.

Have you ever noticed how Asian people age so much better than westerners? As many of you who have been following Jammy Toast for any length of time will know, Chimpton was a Vietnamese Boat Child back in the 1970s when I rescued her from a boat on Birkenhead Docks. She went to school in England and mixed in really well with the English children. However, if you now fast forward a few years, every so often she will go out for an evening with her old school friends for a “catch-up”. Now when I say old school friends, I really do mean OLD school friends. I don’t know if any of you have ever seen the film Invasion of The Body Snatchers but all her school friends seem to have been “snatched” and replaced with older alien replacements.

The Old Photograph

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Iwas having a little rummage through a box of old photographs the other day when I came across this negative. It shows a man and a woman standing proudly behind a pram containing a young child. The man, upon first inspection, seemed to be holding a dog. Just who these people were I had no idea, but it caught my imagination and I was determined to find out as much as I could.

Geoffrey Hughes

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The entrance to Bristol-Myers Squibb today.

The first job I had when I left school was working for the pharmaceutical company ER Squibb & Sons, which is now called Bristol-Myers Squibb. I think the first job for anybody after leaving school is a difficult time in life because you slowly start losing contact with all your old school friends and start making friends in the “adult” world. Probably my first friend as an adult was a guy by the name of Geoffrey Hughes. I say friend but in reality it was probably a bit more like hero worship because Geoff was everything I wanted to be. He was fairly good looking and pretty handy with the girls and liked a drink or two. He was what you would call a typical man’s man of the time whereas I was only around eighteen and still wet behind the ears.

Swapped At Birth

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Iwas watching Jeremy Kyle the other day and there was a man of thirty-six on the show who was convinced there was a mix-up at the hospital when he was born. He was convinced that he was given to the wrong family. I listened to his story and while many would think he was delusional, I could relate to what the guy was saying. Back in the day, hospitals did not tag babies like they do today and babies were also taken away from their mothers and put in a nursery to give the mother some time to recover from the birth. There was plenty of opportunity for a mix-up to occur. This is what I think happened to me.

My Last Valentine

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We haven’t heard from our Queen for a very long time. Queen Ananasty was the person who helped me start our very first blog back in the summer of 2006. She was young at the time and the two of us used to entertain each other on Sunday afternoons when we would have otherwise been bored stiff. We would go and play golf, bowls try and find her socks after I had stolen them – you name it, we usually got into trouble doing it. The two of us used to go off and get into trouble and then post stories on our very first blog. Fun times. However, today is Valentine’s Day and so I thought I would share one of our old stories from back in those early days. These were even pre-teddy bear days…