Granny doesn’t very often use her “nouse” or common sense. However she surprised me the other day with just how much she had thought something through. She had seen an episode of Eight out of Ten Cats Does Countdown and was trying to tell me all about it. She said the man with the black hair and beard was on it and that he was very funny. I asked if she meant Nick Helm – we both love it when he sings love songs at Susie – but no that wasn’t him. It turned out she meant Joe Wilkinson who has brown hair and beard but never mind. She argued about the colour of his hair and beard and I wanted to search google for a picture of Joe, alas my phone was in the other room so I asked to borrow hers.
Granny has been struggling lately, trying to make a home-made Lasagne. We used to have it every week up until about six months ago when we got bored, and decided to take a break. Granny had made it for years before that and I have to confess it was my favourite meal of the week. Italian has to be the most desirable of foods – all that cheese and pasta, what more could you ask for? The problem arose because we had stopped having it for a while and when it came to starting again, Granny had lost the recipe. Now Granny had cooked it hundreds of times before, but she had now forgotten how she had made it.
This month, Granny has been on her best behaviour because we have had to really think long and hard about what to put in her monthly post, this month. She has surpassed herself really, because last month I think we had three posts concerning her little “idiosyncrasies” whereas this month we are kind of scraping the bottom of the barrel. I will say this for her, she has developed this kind of gormless look when she can’t grasp something that is being told to her. It has to be seen to be believed, but there is no way my poor attempt at the English language could possibly do this look justice. But anyway, back to Granny and her behaviour this month…
People of a nervous disposition should consider long and hard before reading this post. It features examples of a critically out of control Granny and the damage she has caused this month. Jammy Toast cannot be held responsible for any resultant damage from reading this post.
Each month we tell you of the havoc our Granny has wreaked on the world around her – well this month she has surpassed herself. Granny has single-handedly brought Tesco, Halifax, eBay and PayPal to their knees. Granny has a lot of grief remembering passwords and so it all started when she tried to login to her Halifax account. It would not allow her to access her account saying that her username and password were incorrect. Granny was beside herself thinking she might have been hacked or someone might have been using her password to gain entry – the state of Granny’s passwords this would not be very difficult. She contacted Halifax to tell them she thinks her account might have been compromised and they did what all banks and building societies do under those circumstances, they suspended the account.
We usually only cover a subject once a month here on Jammy Toast, because we don’t want people getting bored of some of the stories we post. However, we have heard a story about Granny this week which has made us think again about this rule. Although we have already posted a Granny story once this month we are going to tell you another Granny story today – because we just couldn’t wait to share it with our loyal reader. As you can no doubt tell from previous posts under the heading of “Our Granny”, we tend to take the piss out of Granny. Her forgetfulness is boundless but there is one thing that surpasses even this and that is her gullibility. You can tell Granny any old shit and she falls for it hook, line and sinker.
Granny was annoyed the other day to discover that her mobile phone bill had risen from £13 per month to nearly £17, with no notice what-so-ever. Although, if truth be told, just why Granny has a mobile phone is beyond me because it never leaves the house. Many a time, I will ring her and get no answer and she later tells me that she was out. “Where the hell was your phone?” I ask innocently, only to be told it was sitting on the kitchen table – it’s normal home. I am sure it would prove so much cheaper to just use the house phone!
The other day it was pouring down with rain and Granny was looking anxious. I asked her what was wrong and she said she had to visit Lidl, Iceland and Asda and she was going to get soaked. I offered my assistance in running her around to get her bits and pieces of shopping but she would hear none of it. I thought to myself, well at least I have offered and she has turned me down, I shall go and watch Jezza instead. Twenty minutes later she was there; “You couldn’t run me to the shops could you, seeing as you’re doing nothing?” I replied that I was doing nothing twenty minutes earlier when I first offered to take her. “No you didn’t,” she replied – a normal conversation these days.