This month, Granny has been on her best behaviour because we have had to really think long and hard about what to put in her monthly post, this month. She has surpassed herself really, because last month I think we had three posts concerning her little “idiosyncrasies” whereas this month we are kind of scraping the bottom of the barrel. I will say this for her, she has developed this kind of gormless look when she can’t grasp something that is being told to her. It has to be seen to be believed, but there is no way my poor attempt at the English language could possibly do this look justice. But anyway, back to Granny and her behaviour this month…
People of a nervous disposition should consider long and hard before reading this post. It features examples of a critically out of control Granny and the damage she has caused this month. Jammy Toast cannot be held responsible for any resultant damage from reading this post.
Each month we tell you of the havoc our Granny has wreaked on the world around her – well this month she has surpassed herself. Granny has single-handedly brought Tesco, Halifax, eBay and PayPal to their knees. Granny has a lot of grief remembering passwords and so it all started when she tried to login to her Halifax account. It would not allow her to access her account saying that her username and password were incorrect. Granny was beside herself thinking she might have been hacked or someone might have been using her password to gain entry – the state of Granny’s passwords this would not be very difficult. She contacted Halifax to tell them she thinks her account might have been compromised and they did what all banks and building societies do under those circumstances, they suspended the account.
We usually only cover a subject once a month here on Jammy Toast, because we don’t want people getting bored of some of the stories we post. However, we have heard a story about Granny this week which has made us think again about this rule. Although we have already posted a Granny story once this month we are going to tell you another Granny story today – because we just couldn’t wait to share it with our loyal reader. As you can no doubt tell from previous posts under the heading of “Our Granny”, we tend to take the piss out of Granny. Her forgetfulness is boundless but there is one thing that surpasses even this and that is her gullibility. You can tell Granny any old shit and she falls for it hook, line and sinker.
Granny was annoyed the other day to discover that her mobile phone bill had risen from £13 per month to nearly £17, with no notice what-so-ever. Although, if truth be told, just why Granny has a mobile phone is beyond me because it never leaves the house. Many a time, I will ring her and get no answer and she later tells me that she was out. “Where the hell was your phone?” I ask innocently, only to be told it was sitting on the kitchen table – it’s normal home. I am sure it would prove so much cheaper to just use the house phone!
The other day it was pouring down with rain and Granny was looking anxious. I asked her what was wrong and she said she had to visit Lidl, Iceland and Asda and she was going to get soaked. I offered my assistance in running her around to get her bits and pieces of shopping but she would hear none of it. I thought to myself, well at least I have offered and she has turned me down, I shall go and watch Jezza instead. Twenty minutes later she was there; “You couldn’t run me to the shops could you, seeing as you’re doing nothing?” I replied that I was doing nothing twenty minutes earlier when I first offered to take her. “No you didn’t,” she replied – a normal conversation these days.
For those of you not in the know, I think it is about time I explained who Granny is. You have heard many stories about her, but Granny is actually my Mummy, who my daughter – The Chimpton – calls Granny, which kind of makes sense. However, calling her Granny has kind of stuck and now we all refer to her as Granny. Great Uncle Bimbo, The Bears, and even I call her Granny even though The Chimpton is the only one who should actually be calling her Granny. I hope that makes sense because I would hate to have to explain it all again.
Our Granny’s behaviour is getting more and more erratic as the weeks and months go by. I will be the first to admit that she is not getting any younger, so I suppose it is to be expected. The list of things to include in these Granny updates is getting longer and longer. The other week, I pointed out to her an article in the Daily Mirror stating that people who have an active sex life are less likely to get dementia. You could see Granny’s mind working overtime on this one because, Granny being a single lady, she does not get much chance to indulge in the Kama Sutra.