Granny’s days are pretty much regulated and everything runs to a strict order. She usually gets up, has her breakfast, gets a few jobs done and has to be finished in time for Jeremy Kyle, Good Morning, Loose Women and Judge Rinder – not to mention Tipping Point and The Chase. So the other morning she got up and had breakfast and finished off one or two jobs – time to watch Jeremy Kyle. Unfortunately Jeremy was nowhere to be seen – Good Morning Britain was still on. Granny was filled with dread as she feared something had happened somewhere in the world and Good Morning Britain was staying on air later than customary to cover the catastrophe.
Itold everyone the other week that we wouldn’t be able to post a Granny story this month because she has been on her best behaviour. She has not been committing any Grannyisms, either that or she has been using stealth methods to hide her mishaps. That has all changed in the last couple of days so we are now in a position to post a special Granny at Christmas story for you all. It is worth mentioning though, that Granny tried to keep these two mishaps from Jammy Toast but couldn’t and then has used threatening behaviour towards us if we “snitch”.
Granny gets some strange things into that head of hers. The ideas have nothing to do with reality she just makes something up and then runs with them. Recently I have stopped drinking Pepsi because it is not good for you and as you all know, I would only ever eat or drink wholesome, healthy fare! Instead I have been drinking Ribena Light with no added sugar and full of Vitamin C – the healthy kick for which I crave. I make it up into two large gym bottles and place them in the fridge so it is nice and cool. The two gym bottles last me about a week but as I made them up it was the last of the bottle of concentrate so I placed the empty bottle into the bin.
Granny often gets fed up with technology. She can never figure out just what her laptop is about to do next and the internet is just a total mystery to her. The funny thing is every now and then she surprises you because she pulls something off. That is, she attempts to do something on her laptop and it just works. However, she then goes to do the same thing again a week later and asks you to do it for her. When you tell her that she did it successfully last time she either gives you her stock reply of, “No I never”, or else says she’s forgotten how she did it. So when she told me she wanted to email a photograph from Facebook to her friend Terri, I was expecting the worse.
Acouple of years ago Granny got fed up with people knocking on the door of The Jammy Toast Centre. Just as she sat down to watch Judge Rinder – her favourite – a Jehovah’s Witness would come knocking on the door to talk about religion. Now Granny gives family total shit if she is in a bad mood. She thinks nothing of ripping into any of us if she is in a particular mood that day. Razzi says he throws his hat in the house to see what kind of reaction he is going to get first – if he doesn’t like the response then he stays in the car all night. However, with people she doesn’t know she is a total chickenshit. She will literally not say “boo to a goose” and ends up standing at the front door for hours being preached to about Jehovah.
Ihave had a few requests over the past week or so regarding the whereabouts of Granny and in particular this months “Our Granny” post. I am sorry to say there has been some sabotage by Granny who doesn’t like us poking fun at her. Let me explain – my own memory is failing these days and I often forget names and little events so I keep a piece of paper handy to record any Grannyisms ready for when I write our monthly Granny Report. So this month Granny only found the piece of paper and destroyed it and I can’t remember half of the things she has done. I shall be recording the events on my phone in the future so she can’t destroy them! So this post is from memory – what memory?
Granny has been pretty quiet of late and – although we did post a story last month – generally she has been on her best behaviour. This has all ended recently and she has been surpassing even her own abnormal conduct. Here at Jammy Toast we do actually worry about her sometimes, especially when you come home and there she is hanging out of a bedroom window cleaning the glass. She leans out that far we are just waiting for the day that she ends up falling out of the window and is found swimming with the ducks here in Birkenhead Park.
Ihaven’t written anything about Granny for a couple of months because I keep waiting for her to do a massive big Grannyism. She still hasn’t done anything major so I thought I would share some of the more minor Grannyisms with you while we wait for the next major event. The main reason for most of the Grannyisms is that Granny never gives anything her undivided attention. While she is performing one task, she is thinking about ten others. An example of this is the time Granny brought me a cup of tea with a knife and fork to stir it with. Although this is quite funny on the surface, what has actually happened is Granny was bringing my cuppa but also thinking that it was soon going to be time to lay the table for tea. If you keep this abstract thinking in mind, some Grannyisms actually make sense.
Granny doesn’t very often use her “nouse” or common sense. However she surprised me the other day with just how much she had thought something through. She had seen an episode of Eight out of Ten Cats Does Countdown and was trying to tell me all about it. She said the man with the black hair and beard was on it and that he was very funny. I asked if she meant Nick Helm – we both love it when he sings love songs at Susie – but no that wasn’t him. It turned out she meant Joe Wilkinson who has brown hair and beard but never mind. She argued about the colour of his hair and beard and I wanted to search google for a picture of Joe, alas my phone was in the other room so I asked to borrow hers.
Granny has been struggling lately, trying to make a home-made Lasagne. We used to have it every week up until about six months ago when we got bored, and decided to take a break. Granny had made it for years before that and I have to confess it was my favourite meal of the week. Italian has to be the most desirable of foods – all that cheese and pasta, what more could you ask for? The problem arose because we had stopped having it for a while and when it came to starting again, Granny had lost the recipe. Now Granny had cooked it hundreds of times before, but she had now forgotten how she had made it.