Acouple of years ago Granny got fed up with people knocking on the door of The Jammy Toast Centre. Just as she sat down to watch Judge Rinder – her favourite – a Jehovah’s Witness would come knocking on the door to talk about religion. Now Granny gives family total shit if she is in a bad mood. She thinks nothing of ripping into any of us if she is in a particular mood that day. Razzi says he throws his hat in the house to see what kind of reaction he is going to get first – if he doesn’t like the response then he stays in the car all night. However, with people she doesn’t know she is a total chickenshit. She will literally not say “boo to a goose” and ends up standing at the front door for hours being preached to about Jehovah.
Ihave had a few requests over the past week or so regarding the whereabouts of Granny and in particular this months “Our Granny” post. I am sorry to say there has been some sabotage by Granny who doesn’t like us poking fun at her. Let me explain – my own memory is failing these days and I often forget names and little events so I keep a piece of paper handy to record any Grannyisms ready for when I write our monthly Granny Report. So this month Granny only found the piece of paper and destroyed it and I can’t remember half of the things she has done. I shall be recording the events on my phone in the future so she can’t destroy them! So this post is from memory – what memory?
Granny has been pretty quiet of late and – although we did post a story last month – generally she has been on her best behaviour. This has all ended recently and she has been surpassing even her own abnormal conduct. Here at Jammy Toast we do actually worry about her sometimes, especially when you come home and there she is hanging out of a bedroom window cleaning the glass. She leans out that far we are just waiting for the day that she ends up falling out of the window and is found swimming with the ducks here in Birkenhead Park.
Ihaven’t written anything about Granny for a couple of months because I keep waiting for her to do a massive big Grannyism. She still hasn’t done anything major so I thought I would share some of the more minor Grannyisms with you while we wait for the next major event. The main reason for most of the Grannyisms is that Granny never gives anything her undivided attention. While she is performing one task, she is thinking about ten others. An example of this is the time Granny brought me a cup of tea with a knife and fork to stir it with. Although this is quite funny on the surface, what has actually happened is Granny was bringing my cuppa but also thinking that it was soon going to be time to lay the table for tea. If you keep this abstract thinking in mind, some Grannyisms actually make sense.
Granny doesn’t very often use her “nouse” or common sense. However she surprised me the other day with just how much she had thought something through. She had seen an episode of Eight out of Ten Cats Does Countdown and was trying to tell me all about it. She said the man with the black hair and beard was on it and that he was very funny. I asked if she meant Nick Helm – we both love it when he sings love songs at Susie – but no that wasn’t him. It turned out she meant Joe Wilkinson who has brown hair and beard but never mind. She argued about the colour of his hair and beard and I wanted to search google for a picture of Joe, alas my phone was in the other room so I asked to borrow hers.
Granny has been struggling lately, trying to make a home-made Lasagne. We used to have it every week up until about six months ago when we got bored, and decided to take a break. Granny had made it for years before that and I have to confess it was my favourite meal of the week. Italian has to be the most desirable of foods – all that cheese and pasta, what more could you ask for? The problem arose because we had stopped having it for a while and when it came to starting again, Granny had lost the recipe. Now Granny had cooked it hundreds of times before, but she had now forgotten how she had made it.
This month, Granny has been on her best behaviour because we have had to really think long and hard about what to put in her monthly post, this month. She has surpassed herself really, because last month I think we had three posts concerning her little “idiosyncrasies” whereas this month we are kind of scraping the bottom of the barrel. I will say this for her, she has developed this kind of gormless look when she can’t grasp something that is being told to her. It has to be seen to be believed, but there is no way my poor attempt at the English language could possibly do this look justice. But anyway, back to Granny and her behaviour this month…
People of a nervous disposition should consider long and hard before reading this post. It features examples of a critically out of control Granny and the damage she has caused this month. Jammy Toast cannot be held responsible for any resultant damage from reading this post.
Each month we tell you of the havoc our Granny has wreaked on the world around her – well this month she has surpassed herself. Granny has single-handedly brought Tesco, Halifax, eBay and PayPal to their knees. Granny has a lot of grief remembering passwords and so it all started when she tried to login to her Halifax account. It would not allow her to access her account saying that her username and password were incorrect. Granny was beside herself thinking she might have been hacked or someone might have been using her password to gain entry – the state of Granny’s passwords this would not be very difficult. She contacted Halifax to tell them she thinks her account might have been compromised and they did what all banks and building societies do under those circumstances, they suspended the account.
We usually only cover a subject once a month here on Jammy Toast, because we don’t want people getting bored of some of the stories we post. However, we have heard a story about Granny this week which has made us think again about this rule. Although we have already posted a Granny story once this month we are going to tell you another Granny story today – because we just couldn’t wait to share it with our loyal reader. As you can no doubt tell from previous posts under the heading of “Our Granny”, we tend to take the piss out of Granny. Her forgetfulness is boundless but there is one thing that surpasses even this and that is her gullibility. You can tell Granny any old shit and she falls for it hook, line and sinker.
Granny was annoyed the other day to discover that her mobile phone bill had risen from £13 per month to nearly £17, with no notice what-so-ever. Although, if truth be told, just why Granny has a mobile phone is beyond me because it never leaves the house. Many a time, I will ring her and get no answer and she later tells me that she was out. “Where the hell was your phone?” I ask innocently, only to be told it was sitting on the kitchen table – it’s normal home. I am sure it would prove so much cheaper to just use the house phone!