So one day, The Jammy Toast entourage decides to have a day out at the zoo. Needless to say Davidd loves the idea because he gets to visit some of his beloved bears. Not the little teddy bear variety, but the big scary bears that they have in zoos. Davidd is looking forward to seeing the bears because Davidd is big and fearless just like the bears himself. So the entourage spends the day wondering around looking at all the myriad of animals at the zoo. Eventually they come to the bears – Davidd is beside himself with joy. We all know how much he loves bears.
On this particular day, a young Ananasty is with the entourage – yes, the famous Queen Ananasty – and she spots a bat cave. “Come on Dave, let’s go and visit the bats,” she says.
Davidd turns a little pale and starts making excuses about it’s getting a bit late in the day and they should start making a move towards the exit. The traffic will be bad if they leave it much later. You name it, he used it as an excuse as to why they shouldn’t visit the bats.
Eventually, Queen Ananasty was having no more and dragged Davidd into the bat cave kicking and screaming. Now the bat cave is in total darkness because, as we all know, bats love the dark. The bats have their squeaky squealy radar to navigate round the cave and are used to their environment. Davidd on the other hand is a little unsure in the darkness of the cave. He has only been in there for thirty seconds when he feels the wings of a bat fly a little too close to his head…
BIG BRAVE, FEARLESS BEARKEEPER DAVIDD SCREAMS ALL OVER THE ZOO LIKE A LITTLE GIRL AND RUNS FOR THE EXIT!
Yes, Matt, I did say run.
Turns out Davidd is scared of bats and things that flap around his head. Furthermore, the next time he went to the zoo he refused point blank to go into the bat cave and, as far as I know, has never been in there to this day – Fearless, my arse!
On another occasion the Jammy Toast Entourage were on holiday. I am not sure where they were but it was somewhere very hot and by the end of an afternoon’s sunbathing Chimpton was hot and bothered and used to go and have one of her famous infamous lie-downs. Davidd on the other hand is made of stronger stuff and used to go back to his room, get changed and head over to the bar.
Now even late into the evening, it was still hot so the hotel bar was fully stocked with soft drinks and had a lovely line in ice slushies. You know the soft drinks that are made with ice instead of water and are brilliant at cooling you down and rehydrating you following a day in the sun. Davidd was having none of it, he and the barman came up with the ultimate drink – a Piña Colada Slushy. All that coconut and pineapple juice especially designed to cool you down. And not forgetting, oodles of white rum all served in a Poco Grande glass, garnished with a Maraschino Cherry and a Pineapple Slice.
Now the sun used to go down around five and it took Davidd maybe half-an-hour to get back to his room, get a shower and change and head to the bar. The Chimpton on the other hand, doesn’t take any prisoners when she has one of her lie-downs so it was probably about 8 o’clock by the time she emerges to find her Dad – three hours later – six sheets to the wind. He is that drunk that he can no longer walk to the bar and has to enlist the services of Chimpton to go to the bar for more Piña Colada Slushies.
This became a regular, evening occurrence and then one night disaster struck – not for Davidd or Chimpton – but for an unwitting bystander. Davidd and Chimpton head over to the hotel restaurant for their evening meal with Dad in the aforementioned state, except by now he is nine sheets to the wind. Davidd walks in and sees the unwitting bystander having his meal. He turns to Chimpton and says, “Just look at the FA Cup ears on that guy!”
Now unfortunately, when Davidd is drunk – so Chimpton tells me – he loses all control of his volume switch. What was meant to be a little whisper to Chimpton came out as a cavalcade of sound that Pete Townshend would be proud of producing at a Who concert. The whole place turned to first look at Davidd then, as if by some preordained command, all turned to look at poor FA Cup Ears Man.
For the rest of that holiday no one saw sight or sound of FA Cup Ears Man. Local legend has it that he went back to his room that night and hung himself from the curtain pole. Other stories exist that he returned from his holiday and booked himself straight in for some emergency plastic surgery.
Now let’s see if this one gets posted.