So here goes…
In a land far, far away there lived a Prince. His name was Leonardo and he was named after the famous actor; Leonardo DiCaprio. Now it came to pass that one day Prince Leonardo was at a loose end. He was bored of doing Princely things and decided to have a little look around the internet. While he was in a chatroom, he came across an elderly, rather plump chap by the name of Ramalamadingdong. The two of them got chatting and he seemed like a rather nice dude and quickly the two of them became friends.
It turned out that Ramalamadingdong was not just an ordinary Ramalamadingdong but was the ruler of a distant nation of Meffs and he was, in fact, King Ramalamadingdong, ruler of the Meffs and keeper of many, many bears.
Before long, Leonardo discovered that King Ramalamadingdong had a daughter by the name of Princess Fiona. Leonardo became rather smitten with Fiona but he was a little wary at first because he had heard another story about a Princess Fiona who wasn’t everything she appeared at first sight. In fact, on a full moon, she sometimes turned rather plump ugly!
Before long Prince Leonardo started chatting with Princess Fiona and they also got on famously. The only real fly in the ointment was her bad temper and her love of rubber tree plants. She also kept flirting with Prince Leonardo’s pageboy who went by the name of Frosty – he wasn’t a snowman though. Princess Fiona also kept a few bears herself (keeping it “on subject” there).
I hope you’re keeping up with this, I shall be asking questions at the end.
Now it came to pass (again), that Leonardo became a little infatuated with Fiona and used to think of ways to entertain her. He was a little naughty and stole stories from a blogger who used to write the most wonderful stories about three-legged dragons and demons. Leonardo knew this was wrong, but he just wanted to show off to the Princess who was fast becoming the love of his life.
Leonardo thought that Fiona was very beautiful and wondered if she had any male attention, which was only to be expected of such a lovely Princess. Fiona settled Leonardo’s heavy heart by telling him that she hadn’t had a boyfriend for over two years. She had made the mistake of falling for a lowly lumberjack who drove everywhere in his blue Land Rover chariot. However, it turned out, he was married. This broke Fiona’s heart and she had spent two years up in her ivory tower since, trying to get over her unfrequented love for the lumberjack. Her favourite Bear, Freddie, helped see her through this dramatic episode in her life (really keeping it ono subject here).
Prince Leonardo made a decision that this was the Princess for him. He would be the one to mend her broken heart and make her happy again. The only thing that needed to be done now was to journey to her land far, far away, get to know her in person and ask King Ramalamadingdong for her hand in a Royal Marriage.
Now it came to pass (yet, again), that Fiona was planning on going to a party with her friend Dandelion. Leonardo decided it would be a wonderful surprise if, when she returned after the party, he was waiting there for her with flowers and chocolates. They had to be special chocolates though because Fiona was a vegan. And so he set his plan in motion.
Leonardo purchased a ticket to fly to Fiona’s far off land on the back of a winged dragon. If everything went to plan, Leonardo would land just in time to meet Fiona returning from the party. However, things did not go to plan and the dragon was held up at the dragon-port and the flight was delayed. Leonardo sent a text message pigeon post message to Fiona asking how the party was going, to check everything was still okay. Fiona replied that it was a little embarrassing because the lumberjack was at the same party but that she had just ignored him.
It seemed everything was working out, even if Leonardo was going to be late.
Leonardo arrived and pigeon messaged Fiona to see where she was. She replied that she was very tired and was just going to bed and she would pigeon-message him the next morning.
“Nite, Nite Gorjus,” he replied.
What was he going to do now? Leonardo was sitting outside Fiona’s while she was peacefully falling asleep. He couldn’t disturb her she wasn’t a very good sleeper at the best of times so it was best, if she was tired, to just leave her to get some sleep.
Leonardo spent the night drinking coffee in a local hotel bar-area. Looking forward to meeting his true-love the next morning. Eventually he returned to Fiona’s castle bright and early the next morning to wait for her too awaken from her slumbers.
…but something was wrong.
Leonardo had a strange feeling sitting there that something was very wrong. For sitting in the car chariot-park was a blue Land Rover chariot… just like the one the lumberjack owned.
What was his chariot doing parked outside Fiona’s?
Leonardo waited outside the castle, his breaking heart in his mouth. He was coming to the realisation that something was afoot here, and it wasn’t his size tens.
A couple of hours later, the drawbridge to the castle opened lowered and Fiona came out with the lumberjack. They walked over to his blue Land Rover chariot, together. Leonardo looked at Fiona so small and petite wearing a black coat, black trousers and black pixie boots – a vision of loveliness in black. Standing next to a rather tall looking lumberjack with his axe thrown over his shoulder.
Leonardo’s heart broke into many tiny pieces at that very moment.
He sat there as his lovely Fiona drove out through her portcullis and drove away down the road. He thought of pigeon messaging her and calling her all the names under the sun.
But he didn’t.
Leonardo returned to the dragon-port and gave an unsuspecting air-stewardess the surprise of her life by giving her some flowers and vegan chocolates.
He then flew back to his land… far, far way.
Having been up all night drinking coffee, Leonardo tried to sleep on the dragon flight home, but couldn’t. All he could think about was how Fiona had betrayed him and a song came to mind which he couldn’t get out of his head. He sang one line from the song to himself over and over again, all the way home… “Who put his ram in the Ramalamadingdong’s daughter?”
“Who put the bomp in the bompbahbompbahbomp?
Who put the ram in the ramalamadingdong’s daughter?
Who put the bop in the bopshoobopshoobop?
Who put the dip in the dipdadipdadip?
Who was that man?”