My Name Is Chimpton And I Am An Alcoholic

Posted by Lord Bearkeeper OBE DASc on
Category: Food & Drink28 Comments

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Chimpton, never happier than when she has a drink in her hand!

This week seems to be the week for confessions and so I think it is time to get the big one out of the way. We have told of past lies to you, our loyal Toasters, and I have also made a few confessions about things we have said here on Jammy Toast in the past. Now, after some of the nonsensical comments Chimpton has left about her bald Dad needing a hair-cut, it is becoming more and more obvious that she has a drink problem. To be fair to Chimpton she has always been open and above-board about her stoner habits – she could even put Jay & Silent Bob to shame – but has always been in denial about her drinking. Now is time for a confessional.

It all came to a head [sic] last night when she said I needed to visit Desmond’s Barber Shop while looking at a photograph of mine where I had no hair. What could Desmond do for a guy who had already shaved his head more or less bald? As the conversation progressed it became more and more obvious that Chimpton had opened the bottle early last night. She just cannot help herself when it comes to Prosecco – her drink of choice.

Now Prosecco normally comes in bottles in Spumante (“sparkling wine”), Frizzante (“semi-sparkling wine”), or Tranquillo (“still wine”) varieties. However, Chimpton doesn’t drink it from a bottle, she drinks straight from a can purchased from the local Bargain Booze. Prosecco is meant to be drunk as an aperitif but Chimpton just necks the stuff anytime, anywhere.

Presecco Cans

Presecco Cans

She told Matt last night that she doesn’t drink because she has never liked the taste. That is the biggest load of rubbish I have ever heard. If you look at the picture at the top of this post, I can tell you it was taken in Cyprus where we were on holiday one Christmas. It did get a little chilly in the evenings and that is why Chimpton has a rather thick jumper on to keep warm. Or so you would think, don’t forget alcohol also has the side-effect of making you feel cold. I was in a t-shirt!

The photograph was taken in a Pizzeria where we had a lovely meal and then headed back to the hotel. It was still fairly early because of the time of year it goes dark early – so we headed for the bar. I was beginning to get a little bored of the local drinks I had been sampling and asked Chimpton – the expert – for a suggestion of something new to try. Chimpton asked if I had ever tried a “Swizzle” which consists of Southern Comfort, Lime and Lemonade. I confessed that I hadn’t and headed to the bar for a quick sample. Even the Russian barmaid who had been working in bars for years didn’t know what it was so we had to give her the Chimpton Secret Recipe.

A dozen drinks later I was a little disappointed because, while this concoction tasted delicious and satisfied my sugar cravings, it was not giving me even the slightest drunken feeling. I was as sober as Judge Judy in court… until I tried to stand up. My legs would not work and I nearly keeled over. I was becoming drunk from the bottom upwards. Chimpton on the other hand – who was matching me drink for drink – was now laughing herself silly while completely sober.

When I get drunk, I am a funny drunk. I start entertaining the world much to Chimpton’s delight. I am not one of those people who gets drunk and wants to fight the world. I simply get drunk, get loud and then want to go to bed. Admittedly I might have once given a gentleman in The Dominican Republic a little bit of a complex about his ears but that is as far as it goes.

Chimpton on the other hand becomes an angry drunk and wants to swear and fight with anyone who will listen to her. She was swearing and calling Judy From The Internet some very non-politically correct phrases last night just because she dared to compare Chimpton to the first cuckoo of summer!

We have tried to help her over the years and once even sent her for an alcoholic detox to the Perry Clayman Project in Luton… it didn’t work out though, she actually turned Perry on to the bottle!

So please, in the future, if she seems a little incoherent when leaving comments here on Jammy Toast, just smile and take pity. There but for the grace of Allah goes you or I.

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About the Author

Lord Bearkeeper OBE DASc

A sad and lonely old man who used to have a life but it has now been taken over by his dedication to the cause of saving Renault Bears, running Jammy Toast and searching eBay, car boot sales, charity shops, lofts and even under beds for his beloved bears. He has even now taken in Flat Eric to save him from homelessness – his life is no longer his own!

28 Comments on “My Name Is Chimpton And I Am An Alcoholic”

  1. HAHAHAH You weapon. I wouldn’t mind if it were true, but I haven’t had a drink in about a year and that was Archers and Lemonade. Prosecco? No thanks, proper dirty! That drink in my hand is in fact Archers. As for Dad’s hair, its a proper slap head for sure, however what you cannot see is the dirty grey of the hair around the back and sides. He has clippers that he uses to cut it himself!

    Anyhow even if I was a secret lemonade drinker maybe it’s all the beatings I take from Dad that have driven me over the edge.


  2. I look very serious in many of my old pictures, but I was usually just REALLY hungover. Hooray for sobriety. Chimpton you should take heed, us vegans need to look out for each other!

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