Our Granny #16

Posted by The Bearkeeper on
Category: Grannyisms20 Comments

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Granny has been struggling lately, trying to make a home-made Lasagne. We used to have it every week up until about six months ago when we got bored, and decided to take a break. Granny had made it for years before that and I have to confess it was my favourite meal of the week. Italian has to be the most desirable of foods – all that cheese and pasta, what more could you ask for? The problem arose because we had stopped having it for a while and when it came to starting again, Granny had lost the recipe. Now Granny had cooked it hundreds of times before, but she had now forgotten how she had made it.

We searched everywhere online and experimented with some of the recipes we found but, although some were quite nice, it just wasn’t the same as the original recipe. So just before Christmas we found a recipe that looked nice and decided to try it. Granny got the ingredients for the meal but she already had some things in the cupboards. She cooked it, we ate it and… it wasn’t quite the same as the original again, though it was quite acceptable and I did enjoy it.

The next day I was chatting with Granny and she asked me if I had my glasses with me. They were in my pocket so I produced them and she disappeared into the kitchen. She returned a short while later carrying a large container of flour and asked me to look in the box. It was quite a large box of flour, rather than a smaller packet because Granny does like to bulk buy. I looked in the box and saw some flour.

“Erm… it’s flour, Granny. What am I supposed to see in a box of flour?” I asked.

“Look closer,” Granny replied.

Then I thought my eyes were deceiving me. The flour started to move. Little particles of flour were walking around the bottom of the box. It turns out that Granny had had the box of flour for that long that Flour Weevils had infested it and I had eaten that flour in the lasagne the night before.

Granny looked at me and said, “I’d forgotten how long I had that flour. It was three months out of date but there is some of the Lasagne left over in the fridge, if you fancy eating it sometime.”

“I think I will give that a miss, but thanks for the offer,” I replied.

I have since found the original recipe that we used to love, but I’m not sure if I have gone off the idea now. I was not in the best moods following that little revelation and kept imagining the little weevils walking around inside me.

I did live and life goes on, I suppose.

A few days later I went through to the kitchen and Granny screamed; “Stay were you are, I have dropped a contact lens. Don’t come trudging through here until I have found it.”

I had a look but couldn’t see it. However, Rico Dog had been wandering around so perhaps he had put it in his eye. Heaven help the local cats if his eye-sight improves, he’s sharp enough spotting them as it is.

A little while later Granny had been out and was returning home after her weekly visit to Fat Club Slimming World. I asked her if she had found her missing contact lens and she looked at me with that face she pulls when she has pulled off one of her Grannyisms.

“Okay, what have you done?” I asked.

Turns out she had not dropped her contact lens at all, she had put it in and forgotten she had done so. So Granny, put another lens in her eye and had been wandering around all morning with TWO contact lenses in the same eye.

I bet she could have seen a flour weevil on a shithouse wall with that eyesight!

Another night she decided to cook some gammon for her and Auntie Pauline. While everything was under the grill cooking away she forgot she had put the gammon on – despite the heat from the grill and the smell of cooking meat – and decided to cook some fish-fingers for Auntie Pauline. How can anyone “forget” that they are cooking gammon when they are in the kitchen where it is cooking?

Now when Granny is in a hurry she can get a little short tempered. She was trying to get out of the house for a doctor’s appointment while Auntie Pauline was also trying to get out of the house. Granny was standing around, pacing, waiting for Pauline to appear before going out.

Eventually, Pauline appeared and Granny snapped at her telling her she was going to be late going to wherever she was supposed to be. Pauline told Granny she wasn’t going that day, the appointment had been moved to another day.

“Why didn’t you tell me,” Granny snapped, “I have been standing around waiting?”

Pauline replied, “I am sorry, I forgot all about it.”

Granny looked straight at Pauline and screamed, “I hate it when you forget things!”

Discretion is the better part of valour, so they say, so I decided to say nothing!

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About the Author

The Bearkeeper

A sad and lonely old man who used to have a life but it has now been taken over by his dedication to the cause of saving Renault Bears, running Jammy Toast and searching eBay, car boot sales, charity shops, lofts and even under beds for his beloved bears. He has even now taken in Flat Eric to save him from homelessness – his life is no longer his own!


20 Comments on “Our Granny #16”

    1. Matt your right. He is already showing traits! Get this Matt, Dad reckons he RAN today :roflao: I nearly wet myself imagining him running. My dad hasn’t run anywhere since he was 5!

      #RunForrest

  1. I Gott aa New Wardrobee .. Ynoo Amm Tryin Too Makee Space Onn Mee Bedd Forr Clothess Ann Mee Stuff Iss Everywere !!

    Itss Ntt Mii Faultt Itss Mee Mumss .. Shee Puree Stressinn Mee Wiggg !!

  2. If you are looking for true love find someone who looks at you like I look at squirrel monkeys… he lives on a nature reserve and not in a zoo!

    [Click on picture to enlarge]
  3. Mother phoned up last night she was going spare
    She was in a temper pulling out her hair
    Your sister’s courtin’ a scruffy looking Ted
    father don’t give a monkeys and this is what he said

    “I don’t care, I don’t care I don’t care if he comes round here
    I got my beer in the sideboard ‘ere let mother sort it out
    if he comes round here!”

  4. I was the one who conked out tonight, Dad. I’ve had a solid 5 hrs sleep! Woohoo most I’ve had in ages. Alas I’m now awake at 4am, but still I got some sleep. This is probably in part due to my Dad’s support! He is always there for me and I’m glad he adopted me from the boat people :smile:

  5. Yeah, I have heard about chatroom fights. But NEVER get into it with women on a Disney website message board?

    Those bitches snort pixie dust and will gut you!

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