Granny decided to go and get a few things from Iceland in case it was World War III and we needed to stock up. She got back half an hour later and Good Morning Britain was still on – she just couldn’t understand what was happening. She decided to watch for a while and see if they mentioned whatever cataclysmic event had shaken the world. The puzzling thing was they just seemed to be prattling on about the same old Good Morning Britain rubbish. Which toothpaste makes your teeth whiter and demonstrating to the watching hordes what a prick Piers Morgan is!
Jeremy Kyle is usually on at 9.25am but it was now nearly 10.20am and there was no sign of him and no one was explaining why. Then she noticed – She was only watching ITV+1 instead of ITV!
The other night I was chatting to Andreaa on the phone as she was telling me all about the latest events in her new job. Credit where it is due, she is doing an amazing job of turning round an old store and getting staff who don’t know what they are doing onto training courses and she has the full backing of her area-manager. So let me say it here, well done Shithead!
So anyway, she had been working on a late and we were chatting away about work and generally putting the world to rights. When we get on the phone we are quite often chatting for hours – I say “we”, I have to confess it’s not too often I get a word in edgeways when HMS Andreaa is under full sail. She had been chatting for a couple of hours when I realised I hadn’t heard her Mum. Now, if you think Andreaa is loud let me tell you her Mum – who is a salt of the earth type of person – is even LOUDER! Rumour has it that when residents of Speke were complaining about plans to increase night flights into the airport the council threatened them with, “It’s either allow more planes to land at night or Andreaa’s Mummy moves into the area.” It was a unanimous vote in favour of more planes!
Andreaa explained that her Mum wasn’t in and was staying the night at a friend’s house, hence the quiet. She then commenced to tell me how forgetful her Mum is getting lately and I saw my chance and jumped in to tell her about Granny’s amazing feats of memory. I explained that with it being cold lately Granny keeps putting the heating on Manual so it doesn’t turn off unless someone turns it off. Granny doesn’t tell anyone she has done this and then goes to bed and forgets to turn it off. In the early hours of the morning, I told Andreaa, you wake up thinking you are down in the catacombs of hell it is that hot here in the… I stopped in mid-sentence. It was nearly 1am and I was hot. No, I wasn’t hot – I was HOT!
I went to the thermostat to see what was occurring and there it was… on Manual again!
The next morning I told Granny she had put the heating on manual and had forgotten to turn it off. I bet you can all imagine what her reply was, knowing her as well as you all do by now. “Oh no I never!”
I shall finish this month’s tales of Granny with a quickie. I went into the Jammy Toast Bear Rescue Centre utility room the other day, just in time to see Granny absentmindedly trying to put dirty washing into the freezer instead of the washing machine.
She’s getting worse!