Some of you will have noticed that Chimpton has been getting more and more agitated recently. Her Asperger’s is running out of control and her Tourette’s is getting “fooking” worse. The amount of prescribed medication she is taking has reached the level where it now has to be delivered by DHL – and she still wants more. She is also beginning to lose her slender grasp on the reality she once had under control – many years ago now. Once upon a time, Chimpton and I would make plans for Granny’s meandering wander down the path to dotage and the steps we would take when she got beyond rational help. This has now turned full-circle to the point where Granny and I are needing plans for Chimpton’s fall into the abyss of psychiatric turmoil. Basically, her cheese has now well and truly slipped off her cracker!
So as you will all know, yesterday was Father’s Day. The time of the year when children honour their father and celebrate fatherhood, paternal bonds and the influence of fathers in society. In Catholic Europe, it has been celebrated on 19th March (St Joseph’s Day) since the Middle Ages. This celebration was passed by the Spanish and Portuguese to Latin America, where 19th March is often still used to this day. Some American countries have adopted the US date which is the third Sunday in June. It is celebrated on various days in many parts of the world, most commonly in the months of March, April and June. Personally, I think it is a bit wrong because there isn’t a Children’s day but then others say that every day is Children’s Day so Fathers should have this one day to themselves.
Iwas under the impression that we couldn’t get much lower here on Jammy Toast. We have previously had a Teddy Bear’s Picnic in Wallasey Central Park when we were pointed at by children and adults alike. Many of whom probably thinking we were certifiable. We have had a Tomato Fight in Birkenhead Park with Chimpton stripping down to her underwear so as not to get tomatoes on her clothes – the shame! We have had her jail-baiting American’s in the Dominican Republic not to mention leading barmen on in Portugal and lusting after German tourists in Speedos. Now the lowest of the low; last night she was not only flashing her bits but encouraging others to do the same! All this and much, much more has lead me to believe it is time to cut our losses and sell Chimpton to the highest bidder.
This week seems to be the week for confessions and so I think it is time to get the big one out of the way. We have told of past lies to you, our loyal Toasters, and I have also made a few confessions about things we have said here on Jammy Toast in the past. Now, after some of the nonsensical comments Chimpton has left about her bald Dad needing a hair-cut, it is becoming more and more obvious that she has a drink problem. To be fair to Chimpton she has always been open and above-board about her stoner habits – she could even put Jay & Silent Bob to shame – but has always been in denial about her drinking. Now is time for a confessional.
On Saturday I told you all that we had lied about the identity of my Vietnamese born daughter and that she was really the girl in the pictures. Well – as most of you did in fact realise, judging by the comments we received – I did in fact lie! There is no way I would have paid £2.50 for the girl in Saturday’s pictures. In fact, they would have had to pay me a great deal more to cart “her” away. When I say “her” I am revealing another lie because the girl in the pictures isn’t even the same girl, but two different girls. However, both girls featured in Saturday’s story – and this is the scary bit – are both the same age as Chimpton. Actually they were both in her class at school.
May I have your attention please? May I have your attention please? Will the real Slim Shady please stand up? I repeat, will the real Slim Shady please stand up? We’re going to have a problem here. ‘Cause I’m Slim Shady, yes I’m the real Shady. All you other Slim Shady’s are just imitating… so the song goes. Well here at Jammy Toast we don’t lie to our loyal Toasters or imitate anybody. After all you are our friends and friends just don’t lie or deceive each other but today we have to hold our hands up and admit… we have lied, we have deceived and we have imitated.
It was Chimpton’s Birthday on Saturday and so we decided to meet up for one of our infamous Ice Cream Runs on Sunday. We usually have a laugh and sit in the car park of McDonald’s for a couple of hours – me eating my Crème Egg McFlurry and Chimpton munching on her Caramel McFlurry. Once these are consumed the skitting starts in earnest. Some of the parking has to be seen to be believed and the best of it we post in the Facebook group – Parking Like A Twat, Merseyside. If you don’t follow this group I can fully recommend it, see if there is one in your area and if so join up. It is full of people who just can’t manage to get a car into a parking bay and we don’t mean they miss by inches – we are talking about half-a-car width out!
Have you ever noticed how Asian people age so much better than westerners? As many of you who have been following Jammy Toast for any length of time will know, Chimpton was a Vietnamese Boat Child back in the 1970s when I rescued her from a boat on Birkenhead Docks. She went to school in England and mixed in really well with the English children. However, if you now fast forward a few years, every so often she will go out for an evening with her old school friends for a “catch-up”. Now when I say old school friends, I really do mean OLD school friends. I don’t know if any of you have ever seen the film Invasion of The Body Snatchers but all her school friends seem to have been “snatched” and replaced with older alien replacements.
LLast week we had a thinly-veiled story from Lestly – dressed up as a Fairytale – and let’s be honest, it was quite amusing. In some areas it was even truthful. So we have heard from Lestly with his side of the story and we have also heard Chimpton and her denials. Lestly’s story was disguised as a Fairytale featuring Leonardo and Fiona – not to mention King Ramalamadingdong – whereas Chimpton was a little more direct – isn’t she always? If you missed the original story, it might make things clearer if you go and read that first here, before continuing with this story.
For some time now I have taken the mick out of Chimpton by calling her Gippy Grewal. Poor Chimpton is the sickliest person I have ever known. It is usually self-inflicted because she never eats properly and when she does eat she eats crap. She is a vegan and you could be forgiven for thinking that vegans have a healthy diet. Well this vegan eats anything, unless it is produced by an animal. The only time I have ever seen her eat properly was during a holiday to Portugal about fifteen years ago when she took a liking to a local restaurant’s carrots and garlic served with bread and oils. She ate that much of the concoction that she had perfect 20/20 vision even in the dark and used to imagine seeing and hearing owls in the trees on the way back to our villa.