Im dead excited today because my area manager has just told me that someone is going on maternity leave && so i can finally get a managers job that i have been waiting to move into for too long.. I think it was last october when i passed the selection process to become a store manager && ive been waiting for a vacancy ever since.. The annoying part is that my store manager in liverpool has already taken on my replacement so my hours have been cut && so my money is down because the new assitant manager is getting my hours.. So now my area manager has said I will have my own store by 4th February.. Im made up.. I go on holiday to Turkey in May too && that is making me happy so depressed Andreaa has had her ass kicked && am dead happy at the world right now..
Isat down on Christmas Day at 3pm to listen to the Queen’s Christmas Address. It was very interesting and thought provoking speech – as it always is – but it seems to have given raise to some controversy. Mostly because she gave the speech sitting in front of a gold piano which is probably worth millions. She also had a big fat Montblanc fountain pen on the desk in front of her which, I think, is worth about £5,000. I haven’t got a Montblanc – I have to put up with my old Parker – or a gold piano but I thought I would give The Razzi Bear Annual Address. Here goes…
IFirstt Mett Davidd Whnn Hmm && Ananastyy Ustaa Havv A Blogg && Mee && Lorahh Ustaa Terrorr Thmm .. Wee Starttd Off Beinn Puree Nastyy Butt Davidd Jstt Ustaa Laff Att Uss && Takk The Mikk ,, Hee Wozz Jstt Puree Funnyy .. Thnn Wee Startdd Chattinn Onn MSNN Ndd Becumm Matess .. Whnevaa Aa Wozz Depressdd Aa Wudd Cumm && Talkk Too Davidd && Razzii && Wee Wudd Havv A Proppa Laff .. Thnn Aa Gott A Boyfrindd Calld Liamm Whoo Wozz A Rytt Knobb .. Hee Toldd Mee Too Deletee All Ladds Onn Mee Faceyy Ndd Stopp Talkkin 2 Emm Soo Aa Stoppedd Talkkinn Too Davidd Ass Well .. Aa hadd Knwnn Davidd Forr Yearss && Hee Hadd Alwayyss Binn Deadd Kindd Nnd Helpdd Mee Wiff Alsortts .. Hee Willl Doo Anyfingg 4 Yaa Btt II Jstt Ghosttd Hmm Lykk A Prikk !!
Our very own Davidd has been awarded an honorary doctorate by Liverpool University. Davidd Bearkeeper OBE is to be honoured for his rescue work with Renault Bears. The Bearkeeper said after yesterday’s announcement, “What a thrill, whoever would have thought it.” Davidd is to be presented with the Honorary Doctor of Animal Science (DASc) in “acknowledgement of his work in rescuing and rehabilitating bears and for educating people on bear matters.” Davidd had a question following the announcement: “Now I’m a doctor, can I write my own prescriptions?”
Hello again Jammy Toasters. The more observant amongst you might just notice that this post is entitled “Lestly In The Hizzouse #4” whilst the last one was “Lestly In The Hizzouse #2”. Before you ask, yes I can count, but unfortunately “Lestly In The Hizzouse #3” was not up to standard and Mr Bearkeeper refused to post it – no doubt in consultation with Chimpton. I wouldn’t mind but I wasn’t even being “horrit” towards her, either. So, in revenge, I thought I would come and tell all you Toasters just how embarrassing Mr Bearkeeper can be. These are true stories told to me by Chimpton, so hopefully we will get her into trouble. Let me know if you like these tomes because I do have many, many more.
Some of you may have noticed from yesterday’s post that Davidd was awarded an OBE *cough* in the New Year’s Honours list. Well, we are not normally readers of the Daily Star but this morning when we went for our regular newspaper we couldn’t believe our eyes. There gazing back at us from the Star’s front page was our very own Davidd Bearkeeper OBE. He has only gone and made front page news – and not for the reasons we would have originally thought. We were astonished. So-much-so that we thought we would reproduce it for you here…
Our very own Davidd Bearkeeper has been awarded an OBE in the Queen’s New Year’s Honours List. He has been recognised for his services to animals – namely bears. The Birkenvegas born keeper has been helping preserve Renault Bears since he was given Eddie Bear to take on holiday to Egypt in 2006. He later entrusted Eddie to his daughter, Chimpton, who looks after the little bear to this day. Davidd has since gone on to rescue nearly three hundred Renault Bears and has founded the Jammy Toast Retirement Home for elderly and unwanted bears.
Today I would like to report a possible conspiracy which has haunted me for 57 years. As you will all have read, yesterday was my birthday. I was born in St Catherine’s Hospital[*] where the most hideous of mix-ups occurred that has affected my whole life. You see my Mummy – who we call Granny here on Jammy Toast because she is The Chimpton’s Granny – is thick, as you all know from some of the stories we have published over the years. I also have two sisters who are exactly the same; both as thick as Granny and who prattle-on on just about any subject you care to mention. On the other hand, I am a relatively intelligent person who – as the Chimpton will confirm – is quiet, noble and withdrawn. In fact, the complete opposite of Granny, Diane and Pauline. What I have always maintained is that all those years ago there was a mix-up at the hospital and a rather intelligent, good-looking family took Granny’s real son home and I was left to endure the family from hell.
Today is my birthday and I am beginning to get on a bit. So-much-so that The Chimpton takes great delight in calling me an old dodderer. But during our more serious conversations she has stated that she worries about me because of my weight. She doesn’t want me to kick the bucket in case she ends up being deported back to Vietnam – for those of you who do not know, she was a Vietnamese Boat Child. Most people can tell by her slanty eyes, but The Chimpton fled Vietnam as a very young child to escape the Vietnam War and was held in a refugee camp until I adopted her and brought her home – a story for another day. So if I die, there is a chance she might be sent back. However, today I have some great news for her – and me – it turns out, some extra pounds later in life can actually be protective. It’s something scientists have deemed the “obesity paradox”: being overweight correlates with a lower risk of death for older individuals than their skinny counterparts.
You may have noticed from time to time that some very famous people visit Jammy Toast and leave comments on our posts. These celebrities are many and varied including, amongst others, God, Pink Floyd’s David Gilmour, Garfield the Cat, Stars of Monsters Inc. Sully & Mike Wazowski, The Cookie Monster, Meerkats Alexsandr Orlov & Sergei, Film Star Ted, Catfish stars Nev and Max, Authors Dr Seuss & Michael Bond, Santa Claus, Queen Elizabeth II, HRH Prince Charles, Members of the Royle Family, Rico & Larry the Cat, Bob Dylan, Jay & Silent Bob, Terry Tibbs, The Ghost of Elvis, Hawkwind’s Dave Brook, Sheriff Buford T Justice, Paisley from Tattoo Fixers, Former Prime Minister David Cameron, Comedienne Aisling Bea, Star of Ray Donovan Kerris Dorsey, Sigmund Freud, Alf Garnett, Cher Lloyd, Paddington Bear, Steven Seagull and Jon Pigeon. You may have wondered if these people were actually visiting Jammy Toast or was someone just making the whole thing up.