For a few weeks now Granny has been feeding the pigeons that gather around the house. One or two of the birds used to be on the roof or in the back garden and Granny got into the habit of feeding them any left-over bread or some of the seeds she buys for the budgies. This then escalated, when she discovered that you could buy wild-bird food, to the point where she now spends more on bird-food than she does on human-food.
Iwas watching Jeremy Kyle the other day and there was a man of thirty-six on the show who was convinced there was a mix-up at the hospital when he was born. He was convinced that he was given to the wrong family. I listened to his story and while many would think he was delusional, I could relate to what the guy was saying. Back in the day, hospitals did not tag babies like they do today and babies were also taken away from their mothers and put in a nursery to give the mother some time to recover from the birth. There was plenty of opportunity for a mix-up to occur. This is what I think happened to me.
Hello everyone, Razzi here and I hope you all had a fantastic Christmas time and enjoyed yourselves with everything you did. Here at Jammy Toast we have had a great time except that Granny decided we didn’t need a full turkey because they are so big that we usually throw much of it away after Christmas. We like to have the turkey for Christmas dinner, maybe a few butties thrown in later in the day and then Davidd will make a Special Fried Rice on Boxing Day and this year Auntie Diane wasn’t coming until today and she asked Granny to save her some because she wasn’t having turkey at her house. So all that turkey required and Granny decided she would only get a turkey crown. Then, when she opened it, it was about the size of Jon Pigeon’s chest cavity.
Granny has been single for quite a few years now. Her second husband, Tommy, (my step-dad) died a few years ago and – I think we have mentioned this before – he has pride of place on Jammy Toast’s landing. Granny can’t decide what to do with his ashes. She was going to take him to New Brighton, where he used to enjoy fishing back in the day, but every time she gets round to it she starts to question whether it is the right place for him. That, or she just simply forgets to take him. So there he has sat for many years on the landing, awaiting his final destination.
Today I would like to report a possible conspiracy which has haunted me for 57 years. As you will all have read, yesterday was my birthday. I was born in St Catherine’s Hospital[*] where the most hideous of mix-ups occurred that has affected my whole life. You see my Mummy – who we call Granny here on Jammy Toast because she is The Chimpton’s Granny – is thick, as you all know from some of the stories we have published over the years. I also have two sisters who are exactly the same; both as thick as Granny and who prattle-on on just about any subject you care to mention. On the other hand, I am a relatively intelligent person who – as the Chimpton will confirm – is quiet, noble and withdrawn. In fact, the complete opposite of Granny, Diane and Pauline. What I have always maintained is that all those years ago there was a mix-up at the hospital and a rather intelligent, good-looking family took Granny’s real son home and I was left to endure the family from hell.
Our friend Lexi has been complaining that I haven’t written anything for a while, so I thought I better get writing. I never usually write about any one thing in my column and just waffle away about many different subjects – so why change now. Well this month Granny has been surpassing herself with her behaviour, so I thought I would cover this. In truth, I think Granny is trying to monopolise Jammy Toast. Davidd tries to write about subjects, at most, once a month. However, Granny has already had two stories so far this month and I am just about to relay another. This is because our Granny is barking mad!
For those of you not in the know, I think it is about time I explained who Granny is. You have heard many stories about her, but Granny is actually my Mummy, who my daughter – The Chimpton – calls Granny, which kind of makes sense. However, calling her Granny has kind of stuck and now we all refer to her as Granny. Great Uncle Bimbo, The Bears, and even I call her Granny even though The Chimpton is the only one who should actually be calling her Granny. I hope that makes sense because I would hate to have to explain it all again.
Most episodes of Star Trek begin with members of the Enterprise beaming down to the surface of a planet and having that week’s adventure. Then the programme ends when the crew beams back to the Enterprise and travels off into space at the speed of light ready for next week’s exploits. A great way of travelling this beaming up and down – it sure beats getting the bus. However, Chinese scientists say they have now “teleported” a photon particle from the ground to a satellite orbiting nearly a thousand miles away. So the big question is: is a world which was previously confined to science fiction now becoming reality?
Those of you with a long memory or if you have been following us for a long time you might remember we used to also run a blog of stories concerning our Granny. Granny is pretty cool really but she is a little bit forgetful and the word “ditsy” was invented for her. She is always getting things wrong or muddling them up to the point where it is downright funny. Some people are similar to Granny and also perform such fetes however, Granny performs them on a daily basis and then usually makes them worse by trying to correct them.
Thanks to everyone who has been asking for an update but Granny is slowly on the mend even if she is feeling bored and a little fed up of being stuck in hospital. This beautiful weather is making things worse because while we can be out and about enjoying it she is stuck on a sweltering hospital ward opposite an old lady with Alzheimer’s disease. Although this can be entertaining to begin with, especially when Granny tells her that my name is Horace, it soon gets tiring when she starts shouting and swearing at everyone within ear-shot.