Granny has been single for quite a few years now. Her second husband, Tommy, (my step-dad) died a few years ago and – I think we have mentioned this before – he has pride of place on Jammy Toast’s landing. Granny can’t decide what to do with his ashes. She was going to take him to New Brighton, where he used to enjoy fishing back in the day, but every time she gets round to it she starts to question whether it is the right place for him. That, or she just simply forgets to take him. So there he has sat for many years on the landing, awaiting his final destination.
Today I would like to report a possible conspiracy which has haunted me for 57 years. As you will all have read, yesterday was my birthday. I was born in St Catherine’s Hospital[*] where the most hideous of mix-ups occurred that has affected my whole life. You see my Mummy – who we call Granny here on Jammy Toast because she is The Chimpton’s Granny – is thick, as you all know from some of the stories we have published over the years. I also have two sisters who are exactly the same; both as thick as Granny and who prattle-on on just about any subject you care to mention. On the other hand, I am a relatively intelligent person who – as the Chimpton will confirm – is quiet, noble and withdrawn. In fact, the complete opposite of Granny, Diane and Pauline. What I have always maintained is that all those years ago there was a mix-up at the hospital and a rather intelligent, good-looking family took Granny’s real son home and I was left to endure the family from hell.
Our friend Lexi has been complaining that I haven’t written anything for a while, so I thought I better get writing. I never usually write about any one thing in my column and just waffle away about many different subjects – so why change now. Well this month Granny has been surpassing herself with her behaviour, so I thought I would cover this. In truth, I think Granny is trying to monopolise Jammy Toast. Davidd tries to write about subjects, at most, once a month. However, Granny has already had two stories so far this month and I am just about to relay another. This is because our Granny is barking mad!
For those of you not in the know, I think it is about time I explained who Granny is. You have heard many stories about her, but Granny is actually my Mummy, who my daughter – The Chimpton – calls Granny, which kind of makes sense. However, calling her Granny has kind of stuck and now we all refer to her as Granny. Great Uncle Bimbo, The Bears, and even I call her Granny even though The Chimpton is the only one who should actually be calling her Granny. I hope that makes sense because I would hate to have to explain it all again.
Most episodes of Star Trek begin with members of the Enterprise beaming down to the surface of a planet and having that week’s adventure. Then the programme ends when the crew beams back to the Enterprise and travels off into space at the speed of light ready for next week’s exploits. A great way of travelling this beaming up and down – it sure beats getting the bus. However, Chinese scientists say they have now “teleported” a photon particle from the ground to a satellite orbiting nearly a thousand miles away. So the big question is: is a world which was previously confined to science fiction now becoming reality?