The Thoughts Of Karl #2

Posted by Karl Pilkington on
Category: Karl's Column23 Comments

My name is Karl and I am a cabbie living with my elderly Auntie since the break-up with my girlfriend. I live and work around Ladbroke Grove in London, struggling to get my life back on track. My closest companion is the voice in my head, a crotchety, misanthropic alter-ego who takes the form of my inner self. He is an uncensored true version of me who says what he really thinks without the risk of offending others. As I attempt to muddle my way through life, the voice appears periodically to guide, criticise and dispense his unorthodox philosophy of life. He’s a pain in the arse and often lands me in a whole lot of trouble. These are my thoughts

So I rang the council the other day to complain about a noisy neighbour. The guy wanted details of the noise so I told him it had been going on for the last four nights and it was stopping me from sleeping. I explained to him that I was a cabbie so driving when you’re shattered isn’t good and he was really sympathetic. Then he asked what sort of noise it was and I explained it was a baby crying and his whole attitude changed.

He said they couldn’t do anything about babies crying because it was classed more as a domestic noise, not a nuisance noise. I said that surely noise is noise and it was keeping me awake. He told me if it was loud music or a dog constantly barking then they could do something about it but not a baby crying.

I don’t understand it myself, are babies just allowed to do what they want? Do babies have a different rule book to everyone else? They say loud music is not allowed but what about if the baby wants to listen to loud music, is that alright? Do babies just get to do what they want? Is that alright? We can’t upset the baby!

Jesus, I’m sick of it.

It’s a shame really that babies don’t come with a vibrate mode like mobiles do. That way they could let the owners know there was a problem without everyone else having to put up with it. The noisy little bastard.

The mother’s got to be deaf, that’s my only explanation. It’s relentless, it never stops. I honestly don’t know how the human race just isn’t extinct if babies have always made that racket. I mean think about it if we go back thousands of years to when we all lived in caves. If you had a baby going on like that, it’s basically like ice-cream van chimes going off to some sabre-toothed tiger. Oh hello, lunch is in there, let’s tuck in! Its relentless, it just goes on and on. It does your head in, it’s like living next door to Tarzan!

So that night when I finished work, I get in the house after midnight and the baby is still crying. Furthermore, there’s me elderly auntie lying in the bath in the dark. I asked her what she was doing and she said that she was in the bath earlier when the bulb blew and she didn’t want to try climbing out in the dark in case she slipped and fell. Turns out she had only been there since eight – that’s over four hours.

I said come on, let’s be getting you out and she was like okay but no peeking. I told I wouldn’t be peeking, I wasn’t sleeping at night as it was without having a naked image of her floating around in my head!

Some things just do ya’ head in!

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About the Author

Karl Pilkington

A crotchety cabbie, I am living my life at my aunts, trying to get over a break-up, and simply muddling my way through life. My closest mate being my inner self, who is not shy about speaking his mind, and often lands me right in the shit! In fact, I think life is just put here to try and baffle me…

23 Comments on “The Thoughts Of Karl #2”

  1. “Some of these shots coming De Gea’s way, he can do nothing about.”

    Aye, well it’s hard to do anything about them when they’re flying wide of the bloody post isn’t it. Jesus wept.

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