A New Home For Chimpton

Posted by The Bearkeeper on
Category: Health/Wealth24 Comments

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Some of you will have noticed that Chimpton has been getting more and more agitated recently. Her Asperger’s is running out of control and her Tourette’s is getting “fooking” worse. The amount of prescribed medication she is taking has reached the level where it now has to be delivered by DHL – and she still wants more. She is also beginning to lose her slender grasp on the reality she once had under control – many years ago now. Once upon a time, Chimpton and I would make plans for Granny’s meandering wander down the path to dotage and the steps we would take when she got beyond rational help. This has now turned full-circle to the point where Granny and I are needing plans for Chimpton’s fall into the abyss of psychiatric turmoil. Basically, her cheese has now well and truly slipped off her cracker!

Recently she has been confusing the number thirty-five with twenty-five and when confronted with evidence that she is wrong refuses to accept any evidence to the contrary. Only this weekend she saw an old friend of ours we used to work with at E4A – okay, he may have been the world’s worst cleaner but we’re not holding that against him – and became concerned about the pockmarks on his face. There was nothing wrong with his face. I think she has been watching too much of Dr Pimple-Popper and is now seeing imperfections in everyone she meets.

These are all signs of her losing any façade of normality she may have once possessed.

Plans need to be formulated and steps made for her own safety.

We are now pleased to announce we have located a very nice NHS facility which specialises in the care of mentalist Chimptons. Ashworth Hospital is one of just three high-security psychiatric facilities in the country. One of Britain’s most notorious killers, Ian Brady, was detained at the Maghull hospital for more than 30 years. The site provides treatment for patients who pose a grave danger to themselves or to other people – this is definitely Chimpton, I have seen the bruises.

Up to 288 patients are treated at the hospital at any one time, living in a series of 14 single-storey semi-detached wards spread across the site, clustered around wide open green spaces. This would obviously suit Chimpton as when the weather is good she can sit outside and talk to the squirrels.

Hospital bosses have assured us that the site is highly secure and that nobody has ever escaped from the modern facility which is surrounded by even higher walls – this was a concern of ours because Chimpton’s are very chimp-like and are good climbers.

Visitors even have to go through airport-style security and are searched by sniffer dogs and must go through several sets of air-locked doors which close behind them before the next one opens. Again, the security was something we were concerned about as we don’t want her to be able to get her hands on the recreational drugs which have been part of her plummet from grace. We blame many of Chimpton’s problems on her drug experimentation years ago and the lure of rubber tree plants.

The hospital has a good record of dealing with patients similar to Chimpton. Police killer Dale Cregan was there for some time before being deemed sane enough to be returned to the normal prison population. We know that Chimpton’s is a much more serious case, but we are sure the hospital can help her back down the road to sanity. After all, Mersey Care, the health body which runs the site, was rated ‘good’ overall by Care Quality Commission inspectors as recently as last year.

It was caught up in the Jimmy Savile sex abuse scandal after reports that he sexually abused several patients while visiting the former Moss Side Hospital in the 1970s and 1980s but we are confident that these problems are now all behind the hospital.

Overall, we think this would prove a good home for Chimpton and she would fit in with the other psychiatric patients perfectly – let’s just hope none of the other patients have any skin imperfections!

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About the Author

The Bearkeeper

A sad and lonely old man who used to have a life but it has now been taken over by his dedication to the cause of saving Renault Bears, running Jammy Toast and searching eBay, car boot sales, charity shops, lofts and even under beds for his beloved bears. He has even now taken in Flat Eric to save him from homelessness – his life is no longer his own!

24 Comments on “A New Home For Chimpton”

  1. I’m glad you find mental health amusing. :cry:

    As for John, he has marks all over his face, I’m guessing the fact your obesity reached diabetic scales means it not only affected your fat arse but that your eye sight has worsened!

    Maybe if my father looked after me a bit better instead of watching midget porn all the bloody time I may not be such a mentalist. Your cruelty toward me has gotten worse. I shall now go and cry on my own.

    1. There’s gratitude for you. You have been complaining about the windows and heating and neighbour’s smelly cats in yours so I found you a nice comfy little place which doesn’t allow patients to have “long term” visitors! Wanted or otherwise!!

      What more could you ask for?

  2. I fell asleep last night sitting up. I’m going to keep an eye on my socks. If they suddenly rise up to meet my knee caps, I’ll know for sure that I’ve become my father.

  3. Carrier bags are going up again aren’t they! A few years ago they were 5p, then 10p now they are putting them up to 20p. If you want to save the turtles, which is what it’s all about, charge £20 for a carrier bag. I guarantee you will not see any carrier bags floating about. In fact we’ll have a new problem then, there’ll be shitloads of turtles in the sea! Then they’ll be going, “Shit the sea is full of turtles, bring the carrier bags back. Free carrier bags!”

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