Andreaa’s Diary #8

Posted by Andreaa Kurby on
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Have Told This Story Before When I Had My Blog But I Thought I Would Tell Ya On Here Now That Me && Davidd Have Our Own Blogg.. Ya See, I Havent Got A Dad.. Well I Have Bu Hes A Total Arsehole So I Have Disowned Him.. It Got Tha Bad Tha I Only Ever Saw Him On Birthdays && Christmas.. Then He Stopped Even Botherin With Tha && The Only Time I Saw Him Was If I Made The Effort To Go && See Him On His Birthday.. So I Stopped Botherin Too && Now I Havent Seen Him For Yonks.. I Always Joke Tha Davidd Should Adopt Me, Like With Chimpton, Cos Hes A Boss Dad Except Hes Only Ever Took Me Out On A Daddy/Daughter Day Once.. Ya Meant To Take Ya Kids Out All The Time Arent Ya?? Even When He Took Me Out It Was Only Because I Couldnt Think Of Anythin To Write On The Blog So He Said If I Take Ya Somewhere && Show Ya Somethin Dead Sound Then You Can Write About That, What Do You Think?? I Thought It Sounded A Bit Like ‘Andreaa On Tour’ So I Could Get The T-Shirts Made && Everythin.. Davidd Said Forget The T-Shirts, We Would Look Like A Hen Party, Bt It Will Give You Somethin To Write About.. So I Said Okay Bt It Better Be Good Am Not Writin About Shit..

So Davidd Picked Me Up In His Car && We Set Off On Our Little Mission.. He Wouldnt Let Me Drive Though Cos He Said I Am A Lunatic Behind The Wheel.. Just Cos I Drive A Bit Fast Like Doesnt Mean Am Not A Safe Driver && He Drives Like Miss Daisey Anyway.. So After About A Week Of Drivin, I Asked Davidd Where Were We Goin && He Said We Was Goin To The Land Of The Early To Bed.. I Know Thats What Davidd Calls Yorkshire Because He Used To Work For A Drivin School There.. He Also Told Me Their Chippies Make Dead Thick Batter On Their Fish && Chips.. So I Was Like What The Fuck Are We Goin There For?? So Davidd Said We Can Go Out On The Moors && See Where Ian Brady && Myra Hindley Buried All The Kids What They Murdered.. I Was Like Fuckin Hell Ya Not Killin Me Are Ya?? I Want Me Mummy!!

Davidd Laughed His Head Off So I Guessed He Wasnt Really Goin To Bury Me On The Moors.. I Did Shit Meself A Little Bit When We Passed A Sign Sayin “North York Moor National Park” && Davidd Started Drivin Tha Way.. It Took An Age To Get There && Not Just Cos Davidd Drives Like An Old Lady Bu We Did Have A Laugh Playin ‘I-Spy With My Little Eye’, Except Davidd Cheats.. I Did Entertain Meself On The Way Askin, “Are We There Yet??” Every Two Minutes!!

When We Got There We Parked In This Square Thing With Like Market Stalls && Shops && Tha && I Was Like Where Are We && Why Have We Come Here?? Davidd Said We Was In Thirsk && It Was Where James Herriot Used To Work && There Is A Museum About Him && Ya Can Visit His Old House && Tha.. I Was Like, “Who The Fuck Is He??” So Davidd Said Ya Know Ya Have Been Watchin ‘The Yorkshire Vet’ On The Telly, Well James Herriot Was The Vet Who Started The Practice Off Years Ago && He Even Taught The Old Yorkshire Vet, Peter, How To Be A Vet..

We Got Out The Car && Went On Another Mission To Find The Museum.. James Herriot Was The Vet Who Wrote The ‘All Creatures Great && Small’ Books.. His Old House Is Now The Museum && It Is Mingin.. It Is Full Of The Most Cruel, Disgustin Things Ya Can Imagine.. They Have All The Instruments Tha The Vet Usta Use Back In The 1930s.. Omg, I Dont Know How Any Of The Animals Survived.. They Had Videos && Tha Of Vets Puttin There Hands Up Cows Bums && They Used To Castrate Male Animals With Like Big Pairs Of Pliers With No Anesthetic.. Fukk Me It Was Brutal.. If Am Honest It Was Dead Interestin Too Bu I Did Feel Sorry For The Animals In The Old Days..

When We Finished There We Went To See How A Modern Farm Does It Today With Cows && Pigs && Sheep.. The Cows They Had Are Not Like Our Cows Though These Ones Are From Scotland && They Have Dead Long Hair && Big Horns && That.. Then Davidd Had To Go && Ruin The Whole Day With The Daftest Thing I Ever Heard.. He Said, “Do Ya Know Why They Have Them Big Horns??” I Didnt Have A Clue, So He Said, “Because Their Bells Dont Work!!”

Take Me Home Now!!

They Have These Cows In Yorkshire So They Can Leave Them Out On The Moors All Winter, They Can Stand The Cold.. They Dont Even Like Goin Inside Barns The Lady Told Us Cos They Get Too Hot..

When We Was There They Had A Vet There Cos One Of The Sheep Was Havin Babies.. The Girl Told Us Tha They Normally Have Their Babies On Their Own Bu This Sheep Was Havin Two Lambs && They Was All Knotted Up Together.. The Farmer Couldnt Do Anythin Because If He Got Hold Of Two Legs To Pull The Lamb Out He Never Knew If He Had Two Legs From The Same Lamb Lyk.. Then When The Vet Pulled The First Lamb Out Of The Mother She Was Swingin It Round In The Air.. I Was Screamin Tha Hes A Bit Young To Be Havin A Go On The Swings Isnt He && The Girl Told Me They Have To Do Tha When They Are First Born To Get All The Mucus && Phlegm Our Of The Airways && So They Can Breath..

I Was Dead Proud Though Cos The Farmer Asked Me What Me Name Was && He Named One Of The Lambs After Me.. Andreaa The Lamb, The Poor Bastid.. She Gets Pulled Out Of Her Mum Where She Was All Warm && Comfy, Then She Gets Swung Round In The Air Until She Started Coughin && Then Some Bastid Calls Her Andreaa.. Doesnt Seem Fair Really Does It??

When It Was Time To Come Home I Asked Davidd If I Could Have A Little Drive Of The Car.. Davidd Is A Drivin Instructor If I Didnt Tell Ya Already, So Anyone Is Insured To Drive His Car Bt I Nearly Fell Over When He Said I Could Have A Go.. He Said I Was A Boss Driver && Dead Confident Bt He Still Wouldnt Let Me Drive Him Home On The Motorway.. So We Was Back To Drivin Miss Daisy..

If Anyone Is Bored && Wants Somewhere To Go, Ya Can Go && See The World Of James Herriot Museum, Ya Wont Be Sorry.. It Was An Ace Day Out..

Thanks Davidd For A Boss Day!!

Traa xx

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Andreaa Kurby

I Am Andreaa && I Am Havin A Boss Time Ere Writin On The Blog && Tha.. I Feel Proper Ashamed, The F*ckin State Of It.. Davidd Told Me If Ya Hav A Blog All Ya Have To Do Is Write Little Stories Abowt Ya Life Bt I Said No, I Cant Write Nothin.. I Neva Evn Passed Me GCSE English.. Bt He Bullies Me Yerno, So Me Stories Are Usually Shit..

57 Comments on “Andreaa’s Diary #8”

  1. Found out today my old boss died last week aged 90. No idea if I can get to the funeral? Anyway I’m going to raise a glass to him. Still got some scaffolding I pinched from him when I started up on my own. He would be very proud!

    RIP Charlie.

  2. After a chilly fuckin’ start, temperatures for most areas will be back into double figures tomorrow. A fuckin’ cloudy and windy day though, with a band of fuckin’ rain moving E across the UK. Heaviest and most persistent fuckin’ rain in the far N. Turning dry but cloudy in the W later.

  3. The more Christopher Robin looked, the more he thought what a Brave and Clever Bear Pooh was, and the more Christopher Robin thought this, the more Pooh looked modestly down his nose and tried to pretend he wasn’t.

  4. And a very good morning to you on fish for tea Friday. As ones evening meal is quite some time away, I’m going to do impressions of a hungry hippo all day in the vain hope that the Fat Controller will insert fishy treats – have a great day all! :paws:

  5. Rolf report 20 Nov

    When humans get out of bed in the morning, they often have “bed hair”, tousled after a night of sleep. Sometimes I get “bed fur”. I’m so distracted by the birds outside the window, I forget to groom myself to become the sleek puss everyone recognises.

    Rolf x

  6. I didn’t have anything but plain socks for the kids and I figured wearing one black and one white was a bit boring for their ‘odd sock’ day so I let them go to town with white ones and felt tips.

    This is gonna be a bit of a regret when it gets all over the carpet like.

  7. Hope you made the fuckin’ most of what fuckin’ sunshine we saw yesterday because it’s back to fuckin’ cloud today with fuckin’ rain spreading east.

  8. Having witnessed & been on the wrong side of workplace bullies I wouldn’t have the slightest hesitation in sacking Priti Patel. If it was you or I doing it, we’d likely be sacked. Why should she be any different?

  9. Dorothy was studying some notices saying “No More Jam Jars.” but I’m not sure she understood them. I didn’t either. Then my human explained that because of the virus Jenny was unable to sell as much jam as usual, so she didn’t need lots of jam jars. That makes no sense to me. Life is complicated, isn’t it?

  10. My head wasn’t in the right place a few weeks ago, a number of things had an effect on me so I stayed away from social media, it can be a toxic place at times but I was contacted by a lot of people, concerned for my welfare, just wanna say ‘thank you,’ you know who you are.

  11. People who have their Christmas tree in front of the window are KEEEEEEN everyone knows you stick it in a corner so you only have to decorate the front of the tree and not the whole circumference :xmas:

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