Andreaa’s Nativity Story

Posted by Andreaa Kurby on
Category: History73 Comments

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Every Christmas Day, Here On Jammy Toast, Davidd Posts The Snowman Video.. You Know The One Where That Lad Sings “Am Walkin In The Air”.. Its Alright Lyk Bt Everyone Must Be Fed Up Of Seein It By Now Cos Davidd Has Been Postin It For Yonks.. I Put Me Foot Down && Told Him He Wasnt Allowed This Year.. He Was Lyk, Well What Are We Goin To Post On Christmas Day Then?? So I Scratched Me Head For A Bit && Said I Know, I Can Write The Nativity Story Of When Baby Jesus Was Born.. I Told Him That The Bears Would Really Love To Hear The Story (Whenever Ya Want Davidd To Do Somethin, Ya Just Tell Him The Bears Will Love It && Hes All For It).. So He Agreed.. So Here Ya Go, This Is The Story Of The Nativity.. Its A Bit Different To How Father Jeremy Told Me Years Ago In Sunday School…

A Long Time Ago When They Had This King In Judea Called Herod, There Was This Girl Called Mary.. Now God Was Dead Pleased With This Mary Cos She Was Engaged To Be Married To Joseph Bt She Hadnt Done Anythin Naughty With Joseph.. She Was Still A Virgin.. So God Sent This Angel Down To Hve A Word With Mary && The Angel Gabriel Said To Mary, “Alright Girl.. Peace Be With Ya && All Tha.. God Is Tha Pleased With Ya That He Has Decided To Bless You..” Mary Didnt Hve A Clue What This Gabriel Was On About && Just Looked At The Angel Bein A Little Bit Scared.. The Angel Said To Her, “Dont Be Scared Girl, God Is Bein Very Kind To You.. You Will Become Pregnant By The Holy Spirit && Give Birth To A Boy Who You Will Call Jesus.. He Will Be The Son Of God && His Kingdom Will Never End..” Mary Said, “Fuckinell As If Joseph Is Goin To Believe That Old Tosh!!” Mary Knew That She Couldnt Really Say No To God So She Agreed Even Though She Wanted To Call Him Keanu.. But She Ended Up Sayin, “Let It Happen As God Chooses..”

Gabriel Told Mary That Her Cousin, Elizabeth, Who Everyone Thought Was Too Old To Hve A Baby, Would Hve A Baby Boy Who God Had Decided To Prepare The Way For Jesus.. Mary Said Goodbye To Her Family && Her Mates && Set Off To Go && Visit Lizzie.. Lizzie Was Dead Happy To See Mary && She Already Knew That She Was Havin The Son Of God Cos An Angel Had Already Told Her.. The Angel Told Lizzie To Call Her Son John.. Mary Stayed With Lizzie For About Three Months && Then She Went Back Home To Her Gaff In Nazareth..

When She Got Home Joseph Was Dead Worried When He Found Out That She Was Expectin A Baby Before They Had Even Got Married.. To Be Honest, He Was A Bit Miffed && Wondered If He Should Put Off The Weddin Altogether.. Joseph Couldnt Even Remember Sleepin With Mary && If He Had It Must Of Been A Saturday Night After He Had Been To The Bethlehem Arms For A Few Pints.. Then That Night This Angel Appeared && Explained Everythin To Joseph In A Dream.. When Joseph Woke Up He Went Down The Church && Told The Priest To Get The Weddin Ready Cos Mary Was Havin The Son Of God..

In Them Days, Where They Lived Was Part Of The Roman Empire.. The Roman Emperor Augustus Wanted A List Of All The People In His Empire To Make Sure They Was All Payin Their Taxes.. He Ordered That Everyone Had To Return To Their Place Of Birth && Take Part In A Big Census.. So Mary && Joseph Had To Go On A Mission Frm Nazareth Where They Lived, To Bethlehem Where Joseph Was Born.. Joseph && Mary Hired A Donkey Frm Avis Donkey Hire && Made Their Way Very Slowly Cos Marys Baby Was To Be Born Soon..

When They Got To Bethlehem They Had Problems Tryin To Find Somewhere To Stay.. Everyone Was There For The Census So All The Premier Inns && Travelodges Was Full.. The Only Place They Could Find Was With The Animals.. In Them Days They Never Had Central Heatin So People Kept Their Animals In The House, Especially At Night.. People Normally Slept On A Raised Level With The Animals Underneath To Give Off Extra Warmth..

Funny Enough, That Very Night, Mary Gave Birth To Jesus, The Son Of God.. It Was The Custom To Wrap New Babies Tightly In A Long Cloth Called Swaddlin Clothes.. Jesus Bed Was The Manger That The Animals Ate Their Hay From.. As The Sun Come Up That Mornin All Around Bethlehem, Shepherds Was Lookin After Their Sheep When This Angel Appeared To Them && The Glory Of God Sone All Around Them.. The Shepherds Was Dead Scared Bt The Angel Said, “Dont Be Afraid.. Ive Got Some Boss News For Ya.. Today In Bethlehem A Saviour Has Been Born For You.. You Will Find The Baby Layin In A Manger.. More Angels Appeared In The Sky && The Shepherds Heard Them Praisin God Singin, “Glory To God In The Highest && Peace To Everyone On Earth..”

When The Angels Had Scarpered, The Shepherds All Decided To Head Into Bethlehem To See What Was Goin Down.. They Went To The Manager && There, To Their Surprise, Was Mary && Joseph.. Next To Them Layin In The Manger, Just Lyk They Had Been Told, Was The Baby Jesus.. They Told Mary && Joseph What Had Happened && About All The Angels && They Was Both Astonished.. Then The Shepherds Returned To Their Sheep, Praisin God For Sendin His Son To Be Their Saviour..

Earlier That Night, Just When Jesus Was Bein Born, A Brand New Light Appeared In The Sky.. Some Very Wise Men In Faraway Countries Saw The Star && Guessed What It Meant.. The Wise Men Studied Old Writings && Had Read That A New Star Would Appear In The Night Sky When A Great King Was Born.. So They All Hired Some Camels Frm Hertz Camel Hire && Set Off To Find The New King && Bring Him Some Gifts..

The Wise Men Followed The Star Towards The Country Of Judea && When They Got To The Capital Called Jerusalem They Started Askin Everyone, “Where Is The Child Who Is Born To Be King Of The Jews??” Herod, Who Was The King Of Judea, Heard This && He Was Well Pissed Off.. He Began To Think That Jesus Was Born To Take His Place As King.. Herod Got The Wise Men To Come To Him && Told Them That They Was To Carry On Followin The Star && When They Found The Baby King They Were To Return To Him && Tell Him Where The Baby King Was So That He Might Go && Worship Him..” Bt Herod Did Not Tell Them That Really, He Had Evil Plans To Kill The New King..

The Wise Men Followed The Star Towards Bethlehem && It Seemed To Stop && Shine Dead Bright Down Upon The Place Where Jesus Was Born.. The Wise Men Entered The Gaff Where Mary && Joseph Was Stayin && Found Jesus.. They Bowed Down && Worshipped Him.. The Wise Men Spread The The Gifts They Had Brought Before Jesus.. The Gifts Were Gold, Frankincense && Myrrh (They Decided Against Gettin Him A New PS5).. The Wise Men Were Warned In A Dream, By God, Not To Go Back To Herod.. So They Returned Home To Their Countries In The East A Different Way..

That Wasnt The End Of The Story Though Cos God Knew How Evil Herod Was.. So After The Wise Men Had Gone, An Angel Appeared To Joseph In A Dream.. “Get Up,” The Angel Said, “Take Jesus && Mary && Leg It To Egypt.. Stay There Until I Tell Ya The Coast Is Clear Cos Herod Is Goin To Search For Jesus To Kill Him..”

Joseph Got Up, Took Jesus && Mary That Very Night To Egypt, Where He Stayed For Many Years Until Herod Died..

When Herod Clicked On That He Had Been Tricked By The Wise Men, He Was That Furious That He Gave Orders To Kill All The Boys Aged Two Or Younger In Bethlehem && The Surroundin Areas.. This Was To Try && Kill The New King, As His Plan To Find The Location Of The New King From The Wise Men Had Failed.. Joseph, Mary && Jesus Stayed In Egypt Until Herod Died.. Then Joseph Had Another Dream In Which An Angel Appeared To Him.. The Angel Said, “Get Up, Take Jesus && Mary && Go Back To Israel, For Those Who Were Tryin To Kill Jesus Are Now Dead..”

So Joseph Got Up, Took Jesus && Mary && They Went Back To Israel.. Bt When He Heard That Herods Son Was Now King Of Judea, He Was Afraid To Go There.. So Instead They Went To Galilee, && Lived In Their Old Town Of Nazareth..

Amen..

Hope Yas Are All Havin A Boss Christmas Day!!

Traa xx

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Posted By

Andreaa Kurby

I Am Andreaa && I Am Havin A Boss Time Ere Writin On The Blog && Tha.. I Feel Proper Ashamed, The F*ckin State Of It.. Davidd Told Me If Ya Hav A Blog All Ya Have To Do Is Write Little Stories Abowt Ya Life Bt I Said No, I Cant Write Nothin.. I Neva Evn Passed Me GCSE English.. Bt He Bullies Me Yerno, So Me Stories Are Usually Shit..


73 Comments on “Andreaa’s Nativity Story”

  1. Happy Christmas everyone! I hope you have a magical day (however you’re celebrating)! I know it looks different for so many of us but I hope you have a wonderful one! Thanks for all of the well wishes and love! Xx

  2. remembering the time my nan told my uncle she would shove a parsnip up his willy over xmas dinner. she was in the height of dementia and it had to be explained to her that my grandad wasn’t rude for not being there, he was dead. love you nan xx

  3. At this seasonal time, it’s important to remember that Jesus was born so that we could eat Quality Street in the morning and stuff ourselves senseless with turkey, veg and all the trimmings just four hours later.

  4. My eldest doesn’t eat Xmas dinner bc of their autism – only likes certain foods. I’ve offered them spaghetti hoops on toast – one of their faves. “No mum I’d rather get pissed!”

  5. Merry Christmas everyone and remember real alpha males never let their Nans get the big half of the crimbo cracker… the dog went sick and nailed all the crackers he’s the true alpha in the room!

  6. I always find it amazing when the Twitter sex cases and nonces start getting vocal. Like mate you’re literally 2 steps away from featuring on forensic files have some humility!

  7. To the Honda Civic driver at the lights next to Hamilton Square who just beeped the horn like this..

    Beep beep
    Beep beep beep
    Beep beep beep beep

    And to the red Audi driver who replied..

    Beep beep

    You two CLOWNS just woke up the flock!

  8. Janet and I were talking about the Nothing Happens films and she said she would love to be in one. She used to be very shy but my human says she has come out of her shell now. Her Shell?? I haven’t seen any shells, what’s my human talking about? Being ancient is no joke.

  9. “Wenceslas was perhaps the most beloved King who ever lived. He was a Prince of Peace. I think that to have lived so long ago, and ever since to have been a song on the lips of the world, just because he was gentle, is a wonderful thing to have happened.”

  10. Rolf report 26 Dec

    I had a lovely day yesterday with the family Christmas festivities. I’m such a curious & attentive cat so I loved all the present unwrapping, including my own gifts. Today I’m napping while the humans clear up. I will be eating a lot of leftover turkey.

    Rolf x

  11. Happy Boxing Day everyone & Happy left over Roast Dinner day. If I wore pyjamas I would be wearing them all day today as today I am choosing happiness in the form of a day in front of the fire.

    Hopefully dad will hand feed me!

  12. It’s been 2 hours of 7 asking…

    Who invented hats?
    How long was the longest stick?
    How many cats are there?
    What does the sky do?
    Why do I have to eat peas?
    What time was it yesterday?
    How many times have I been to the toilet?

  13. Wishing all my friends a happy Boxing Day – if Boxing Day isn’t celebrated where you are, it’s basically Christmas Day II with cold food in place of a roast dinner.

  14. Oh goodness me, I’m beginning to regret that extra portion of Christmas dinner now! I’m off out for a jog around the playground.

    Happy Caturday Boxing Day.

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