We survived the 2012 Mayan doomsday prophecy and now it seems Jean Dixon has warned that the world will end this year. Who is Jean Dixon, I hear you all ask. She was formerly an advisor to US Presidents and correctly predicted the assassination of John F Kennedy. She was one of the most famous self-proclaimed psychics and astrologers in America. She wrote seven best-selling books, including an autobiography filled with her predictions and a horoscope novel for dogs. Chillingly, seven years before the death of JFK, who was shot as he travelled in a motorcade through the heart of Dallas, she predicted he would be assassinated.
Last year Razzi wrote his End of Year Address and so this year I thought I would bully my way in and write mine. As the years pass by I do find that I get more and more sentimental. Ask Chimpton, I blubber at anything these days be it films, news or just thoughts jumping around in my head. For some unknown reason I just seem to get sentimental more of the time. I actually got choked up recently when a youth stood up on a bus to give an elderly lady his seat. It was just a basic gesture of kindness and there I was holding back, maybe not the tears, but definitely the feelings and this has been happening so much more frequently recently. When it first happened I thought it was a temporary thing and that my spirits would eventually re-harden returning me to my previous toughened, cynical state. I am still waiting.
Normally on Christmas day at around 3pm we all gather round the telly and watch the Queen’s speech. She usually makes sense about what has happened during the previous twelve months or what is going to happen during the year ahead. This year however, there is a large elephant in the room as far as the Royal Family are concerned. Perhaps this year we should spare the Queen’s blushes and not rely on her in light of the events surrounding Prince Andrew’s year. Unfortunately, we haven’t got our own Queen anymore as she thinks all things Jammy Toast are embarrassing – grown-ups and teddy bears, etc. – so asking her to do a Queen’s speech like in days of old is out of the question. I often ask Chimpton to help Eddie write things for us but it never happens, so that is her and Eddie out of the question. It only leaves me to perhaps come up with a Christmas Day speech to the Toasters. So here goes…
Iam going to tell you all a little story today but there are a few things I need you all to understand before I start. Those of you who have been Toasters for a long time will know that Chimpton is not my daughter’s real name. Some of you may even remember the nickname we used to call her. The more recent members of the Toaster’s gang have probably realised that Chimpton is not a real name also. Unfortunately we had to start using the name Chimpton because my daughter attracted a rather nasty online stalker who even turned up at her home because he traced her by the nickname we used to use (it was also her nickname in the real world). So I had to go right through Jammy Toast and remove every mention of this nickname and even change our domain name just so that this guy wouldn’t be able to keep tabs on her comings and goings. Hence I cannot reveal what her nickname is but suffice to say it was very similar to Tinkerbell – after all she is very tiny and there is also another reason which will become obvious by the end of this story. I hope you are keeping up at the back…
We read a rather interesting article today from the Consumer Product Safety Commission who promote the safety of consumer products by addressing “unreasonable risks” of injury. They have recently released details of some of the more bizarre reasons for people ending up in A&E – or the Emergency Room as our American friends call it – last year. Anything as simple as swallowing a coin right up to the person who managed to get a full-sized shampoo bottle stuck up their rectum have made their list. The list really does make you think – one individual managed to swallow a small transistor radio!
Here at Jammy Toast we usually celebrate Halloween by watching horror films. Last night we watched The Ring, which we had never seen before, and if there is nothing else on tonight we might even watch the second Ring film… sorry Razzi. But probably our favourite horror film is The Shining taken from Stephen King’s iconic book. The terrifying novel follows the story of writer Jack Torrance, his wife Wendy and their son Danny who has psychic abilities, who move to the isolated Overlook Hotel when Jack becomes its winter caretaker. As Jack suffers from writer’s block and Danny’s visions become increasingly terrifying, the creepy Overlook Hotel takes hold and turns Jack into a homicidal maniac. While the Overlook Hotel is fictional, the setting which inspired Stephen King to write the novel isn’t.
Sky TV have started a new channel recently featuring serious crimes and murders and I have to say we are becoming hooked. Sky Crime features mostly American serial killers and stories of Ted Bundy and his ilk. The only small complaint is that these serious, heavyweight documentaries go on for up to three hours – we’re up until all hours. Another problem is that many of them really are frightening and so Razzi has taken to sleeping with the light on again. During one documentary, featuring a lady who murdered and mutilated her husband, there was no sign of Razzi until we found him hiding behind the couch. I don’t know why he watches them if they scare him this much.