Our Imaginary Friend

Posted by Lord Davidd of Birko OBE DASc on
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Clothing similar to our friend’s.

Here at Jammy Toast, I only ever really mention Chimpton of the three children I have. I do actually have a son and another daughter. Natalie was also adopted as a problem child who used to constantly argue with her birth family. Then one day she tried to murder her mother for daring to wear her favourite fluffy pink slippers. So rather than have her sectioned under the mental health act, I adopted her to go along with Chimpton – the child I had adopted from Vietnam following the war. Chimpton suffered from mental health issues from the war and Nat never quite got over the fluffy pink slippers incident – they got on like a house on fire. My son’s beginning was a little more straight-forward in that – like most children – I found him at the bottom of the garden underneath a gooseberry bush. His name is James. I also had a wife who I purchased from the internet but as people-trafficking is illegal these days I had better not go into more details. I tell you all this to complete the family tree and so that the story I am about to share will make more sense.

Scouse Invasion – The Second Coming

Posted by Lord Davidd of Birko OBE DASc on
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Ithought I had better come along and explain a few things before said things get way out of hand. You many have noticed recently that Jammy Toast has been invaded by a bunch of young ladies headed by the lovely Lorah. Lorah and her friends have been monopolising the comments section of our site mostly because her and her contemporaries are banned from either Facebook or Twitter. They are finding it difficult to communicate with each other because as soon as one of them finishes a ban on one form of social media then someone else gets a fresh ban on another. For example, Lorah is currently serving a three day Facebook ban for using “Hate Speech” for suggesting that all men are “gobshites”.

If In Doubt, Get Ya Tits Out

Posted by Lord Davidd of Birko OBE DASc on
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Ireally admire people who have that get up and go. I don’t mean they want something from the shop and just get up and go and get it. I mean they move to the other side of the world where they hardly know anyone and start a new life. A few years ago I was contemplating emigrating to Australia. I got the work permit sorted, everything was all systems go, and then I got cold feet. I didn’t actually shoot off and join the cast of Bondi Rescue as much as Rod Kerr would have liked me to. I’m sure I would have made a great lifeguard but I settled for bearkeeper.

Does Chimpton Have Asperger Syndrome?

Posted by Lord Davidd of Birko OBE DASc on
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Here at Jammy Toast we have joked about Chimpton and her Mental Health Issues over the years. So the other day I was reading about Gary McKinnon from posts we had put on Jammy Toast during the trial over his extradition to America. For those with a short memory, he stood trial for spying and hacking American government computers. Gary’s defence was that he was searching for evidence of America covering up the existence of UFOs and had nothing to do with spying. Gary’s defence also used the fact that he suffers from Asperger Syndrome. I realised that although I have heard the term used many times, I didn’t actually know what Asperger Syndrome was. Time for a little research…

Chimpton For Sale

Posted by Lord Davidd of Birko OBE DASc on
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Iwas under the impression that we couldn’t get much lower here on Jammy Toast. We have previously had a Teddy Bear’s Picnic in Wallasey Central Park when we were pointed at by children and adults alike. Many of whom probably thinking we were certifiable. We have had a Tomato Fight in Birkenhead Park with Chimpton stripping down to her underwear so as not to get tomatoes on her clothes – the shame! We have had her jail-baiting American’s in the Dominican Republic not to mention leading barmen on in Portugal and lusting after German tourists in Speedos. Now the lowest of the low; last night she was not only flashing her bits but encouraging others to do the same! All this and much, much more has lead me to believe it is time to cut our losses and sell Chimpton to the highest bidder.

Confessions Of A Bearkeeper

Posted by Lord Davidd of Birko OBE DASc on
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Dr Davidd OBE DASc & The Real Slim Shady Chimpton.

On Saturday I told you all that we had lied about the identity of my Vietnamese born daughter and that she was really the girl in the pictures. Well – as most of you did in fact realise, judging by the comments we received – I did in fact lie! There is no way I would have paid £2.50 for the girl in Saturday’s pictures. In fact, they would have had to pay me a great deal more to cart “her” away. When I say “her” I am revealing another lie because the girl in the pictures isn’t even the same girl, but two different girls. However, both girls featured in Saturday’s story – and this is the scary bit – are both the same age as Chimpton. Actually they were both in her class at school.

Ice Cream Sunday

Posted by Lord Davidd of Birko OBE DASc on
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Birkenhead Docks 1972, Chimpton and her brother wait to be purchased.

It was Chimpton’s Birthday on Saturday and so we decided to meet up for one of our infamous Ice Cream Runs on Sunday. We usually have a laugh and sit in the car park of McDonald’s for a couple of hours – me eating my Crème Egg McFlurry and Chimpton munching on her Caramel McFlurry. Once these are consumed the skitting starts in earnest. Some of the parking has to be seen to be believed and the best of it we post in the Facebook group – Parking Like A Twat, Merseyside. If you don’t follow this group I can fully recommend it, see if there is one in your area and if so join up. It is full of people who just can’t manage to get a car into a parking bay and we don’t mean they miss by inches – we are talking about half-a-car width out!