My Granddad – The Liar

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Da’s Harem or The Girls In The Office!

Ihave given you proof in the past of my Granddad’s lying and today I have remembered another example – as if further proof was needed. Let me recap for those who don’t remember the past examples I have provided because this man’s lying is legendary. The first example I can remember was when I was a young child and he told me that the reason Police Officers wore very high helmets was so that they could hide their sandwiches for lunch underneath their helmet. They also had a sort of ‘spike’ on top of these helmets but that was really a thermos flask to keep their coffee hot and the badge on the front was really a tea/coffee dispensing button. Some of you might think that was just a Granddad having fun with his first-born grandchild but I believed him – after all he was my Granddad (or Da as I called him).


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Auntie Diane has rarely been mentioned here on Jammy Toast. Diane is my sister and so is Chimpton’s and the Bear’s auntie. She is also Granny’s daughter which says a lot. The Grannyism gene seems to only cover the female side of the family because – I like to think, anyway – I am a pretty level-headed type of dude. Granny has her moments and if I stop and think about it, Diane isn’t far behind Granny and is infamous for her bargain hunting. She works in a shoe shop and when they have a sale she will buy shoes and boots in the sale and also add her staff discount making them an absolute bargain. The only problem is she never wears them because she must have hundreds of shoes and boots and there just aren’t enough days in the year. Doesn’t stop her from buying even more though. The Imelda Marcos of Birko.

Our Imaginary Friend

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Clothing similar to our friend’s.

Here at Jammy Toast, I only ever really mention Chimpton of the three children I have. I do actually have a son and another daughter. Natalie was also adopted as a problem child who used to constantly argue with her birth family. Then one day she tried to murder her mother for daring to wear her favourite fluffy pink slippers. So rather than have her sectioned under the mental health act, I adopted her to go along with Chimpton – the child I had adopted from Vietnam following the war. Chimpton suffered from mental health issues from the war and Nat never quite got over the fluffy pink slippers incident – they got on like a house on fire. My son’s beginning was a little more straight-forward in that – like most children – I found him at the bottom of the garden underneath a gooseberry bush. His name is James. I also had a wife who I purchased from the internet but as people-trafficking is illegal these days I had better not go into more details. I tell you all this to complete the family tree and so that the story I am about to share will make more sense.

Scouse Invasion – The Second Coming

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Ithought I had better come along and explain a few things before said things get way out of hand. You many have noticed recently that Jammy Toast has been invaded by a bunch of young ladies headed by the lovely Lorah. Lorah and her friends have been monopolising the comments section of our site mostly because her and her contemporaries are banned from either Facebook or Twitter. They are finding it difficult to communicate with each other because as soon as one of them finishes a ban on one form of social media then someone else gets a fresh ban on another. For example, Lorah is currently serving a three day Facebook ban for using “Hate Speech” for suggesting that all men are “gobshites”.

If In Doubt, Get Ya Tits Out

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Ireally admire people who have that get up and go. I don’t mean they want something from the shop and just get up and go and get it. I mean they move to the other side of the world where they hardly know anyone and start a new life. A few years ago I was contemplating emigrating to Australia. I got the work permit sorted, everything was all systems go, and then I got cold feet. I didn’t actually shoot off and join the cast of Bondi Rescue as much as Rod Kerr would have liked me to. I’m sure I would have made a great lifeguard but I settled for bearkeeper.

Does Chimpton Have Asperger Syndrome?

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Who else would sit in a car picking their feet?

Here at Jammy Toast we have joked about Chimpton and her Mental Health Issues over the years. So the other day I was reading about Gary McKinnon from posts we had put on Jammy Toast during the trial over his extradition to America. For those with a short memory, he stood trial for spying and hacking American government computers. Gary’s defence was that he was searching for evidence of America covering up the existence of UFOs and had nothing to do with spying. Gary’s defence also used the fact that he suffers from Asperger Syndrome. I realised that although I have heard the term used many times, I didn’t actually know what Asperger Syndrome was. Time for a little research…

Chimpton For Sale

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Iwas under the impression that we couldn’t get much lower here on Jammy Toast. We have previously had a Teddy Bear’s Picnic in Wallasey Central Park when we were pointed at by children and adults alike. Many of whom probably thinking we were certifiable. We have had a Tomato Fight in Birkenhead Park with Chimpton stripping down to her underwear so as not to get tomatoes on her clothes – the shame! We have had her jail-baiting American’s in the Dominican Republic not to mention leading barmen on in Portugal and lusting after German tourists in Speedos. Now the lowest of the low; last night she was not only flashing her bits but encouraging others to do the same! All this and much, much more has lead me to believe it is time to cut our losses and sell Chimpton to the highest bidder.