Saturday morning and storm Dennis had just arrived. Outside the wind was blowing a gale and the rain was coming down like stair rods. Even Paddington Bear was tweeting about it being “a real brolly buster.” Not far from us in Wales, people were being rescued from flooded homes by the fire service following flood and wind warnings with the Environmental Office warning of the ‘risk to life’ from Storm Dennis. I was watching coverage of the storm on BBC Breakfast Time, eating my bowl of porridge, thankful that I didn’t have to step outside in that weather when I heard the front door close. Who the hell could that be?
On Sunday Granny usually gets me a pork pie for tea. I have had a roast dinner at dinner time so I only feel like a little something at tea time and the pork pie usually hits the spot. A while ago I used to have little chicken pieces which taste just like KFC popcorn chicken rather than the pork pie and now I was beginning to feel like a change and revert back to the popcorn chicken. I asked Granny if she could get me some for tea on Sunday again. On Saturday I had a nose in the fridge and there they were – popcorn chicken pieces looking as lovely as ever.
For a while I thought Granny was going to get through December without performing any of her Grannyisms worth reporting on. It has been a very quiet month where Granny is concerned mostly because she hasn’t been well – contracting flu – and locking herself away so as not to pass it on to the rest of us. With hindsight I suppose it was too much to ask that she would go a whole month without causing mayhem and pandemonium – this time with a Christmas theme to it. With Christmas nearly upon us, Granny started writing lists and asking everyone if there was anything we wanted or needed. We were to let her know early so that things weren’t being rushed at the last minute.
Around twenty years ago Granny started using a Windows computer which has morphed into a laptop over the years. You would think that anyone who has been using a piece of technology for that long would have mastered its workings by now but this is not the case where Granny is concerned. Back in the days when Granny first started using Windows she used to ask me hundreds of questions. This is not surprising where someone is just starting out using something new and foreign to them. Granny used to insist on writing down the guidance I gave her when I used to warn her it was better trying to remember it instead. Now, twenty years later, she has a folder which is thicker than the Encyclopaedia Britannica full of instructions and passwords for everyday tasks.
We laugh at Granny all the time here on Jammy Toast but one thing we will admit… she is always honest and trustworthy. She maybe forgetful, she maybe many things but always trustworthy – or so we thought. Last weekend Granny decided it was that day of the week again when she does the big shop. I am not really sure what “big shop” means to someone who goes shopping just about every day of the week, but that’s what she did. So just like Paddington Bear, off she went with her shopping trolley for her elevenses with Mr Grubber – or maybe that’s a bit of an exaggeration?
Granny has been driving everybody mental for a couple of months now because her ears need syringing. She can’t hear a word anyone says to her and so her favourite words have become “What?”, “Pardon?” or “Huh?” I am convinced that she just says it out of habit mostly because everyone has started shouting when talking to her. How she cannot hear us, I am at a loss to explain. We know Granny is a little confused at times but when you shout at her too that just completes the picture of a senile old delinquent. The doctor maintains she has developed high blood pressure now too and she is blaming us for giving it to her. God knows what she is doing to everyone else’s blood pressure!
Imay have mentioned this before but our Granny is a bit heavy-handed with the old Dysons. I use the word “old” as a euphemism because any Dyson we ever own never actually becomes old here at Jammy Toast. We have only gone through three so far this year and today Granny has been out and bought another one. We have to have one for upstairs, one for downstairs and one for the stairs themselves… and don’t forget the animal one – we do have a few bears here at Jammy Toast and they do shed fur at this time of years. However, as is usually the case with Granny, buying a new Dyson is not as straight forward as it sounds. She actually had a little sneak out of the house when she thought no one was looking but I caught sight of her trying to close the front door quietly and knew damn well where she was going.