I Have A Subungual Hematoma

Posted by Lord Bearkeeper OBE DASc on
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Excuse the minty foot but this is my very own Subungual Hematoma!

So the other day, Chimpton Chimpy left a comment here on Jammy Toast saying I had a black toenail and it needed amputating. She always derides my ailments which are obviously serious. Whenever I get man-flu she decides – without any medical training, I may add – that it is only a cold and that I should man-up. The same is now happening with my toenail. It occurred when I went for a rather brisk walk in an old pair of trainers which I discovered, only later, were a little on the tight side. According to trained medical staff – as compared to Chimpy armed with Google – it is most likely a bruise under the toenail, technically called a subungual hematoma. I have never been so made up, I actually have a proper medical condition with a big long name – Chimpy will be furious!

A New Home For Chimpton

Posted by Lord Bearkeeper OBE DASc on
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Some of you will have noticed that Chimpton has been getting more and more agitated recently. Her Asperger’s is running out of control and her Tourette’s is getting “fooking” worse. The amount of prescribed medication she is taking has reached the level where it now has to be delivered by DHL – and she still wants more. She is also beginning to lose her slender grasp on the reality she once had under control – many years ago now. Once upon a time, Chimpton and I would make plans for Granny’s meandering wander down the path to dotage and the steps we would take when she got beyond rational help. This has now turned full-circle to the point where Granny and I are needing plans for Chimpton’s fall into the abyss of psychiatric turmoil. Basically, her cheese has now well and truly slipped off her cracker!

One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest

Posted by Lord Bearkeeper OBE DASc on
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Afew weeks ago I went to the quacks for my annual check-up. Why they call it an “annual” check-up I have no idea because I have never had one before in my whole life. While I was there I was also asked if I had received my flu-jab yet. I told them that I hadn’t and neither had I had one any other year for that matter. I stated that I don’t like the idea of bugs being injected into my system to help my system learn to fight off the very bugs they were injecting into me. Wouldn’t it be a better idea not to get flu bugs anywhere near me in the first place, let alone through a hypodermic needle?

Ebola In Liverpool?

Posted by Lord Bearkeeper OBE DASc on
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Aman who recently worked in Africa is being treated for the deadly Ebola virus at the Royal Liverpool Hospital. He is undergoing tests after concerns were raised over his health. The man, described as having a history of travel to Western Africa, became unwell in North Wales and was rushed to Merseyside in an ambulance. The hospital is one of four in the UK placed on standby last year in case the disease reaches Britain. Public Health England said the man was being screened for a variety of different diseases, including Ebola, adding the chance of him having the virus that went epidemic in December 2013 was “very unlikely”.

Lieutenant Uhura Suffers Stroke

Posted by Lord Bearkeeper OBE DASc on
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Everyone here at Jammy Toast would like to send our best wishes to Lieutenant Uhura after she suffered a stroke recently. Nichelle Nichols, who played Lieutenant Uhura in TV’s Star Trek, suffered the stroke last night while at home in LA her agent Zach McGinnis wrote on Facebook. “She is currently undergoing testing to determine how severe the stroke was. Please keep her in your thoughts.” The 82-year-old was handpicked by Star Trek creator Gene Roddenberry to appear in the original 1960s TV series.

Jammy Toast Laid Low

Posted by The Bears on
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For the last couple of days Jammy Toast has been laid low by a mystery bug. Everyone was off their Jammy Toast and no one wanted to eat for twenty-four hours. We have no idea where it came from but we are over it now so must assume it was one of those mystery twenty-four hour bugs. All of us are now back on our feet and demanding more Vera because during the last couple of days we have all been lying under duvets watching Vera on Sky Box Sets. We have fallen in love with the old battle-axe detective. She has seen us through our hours of need.

Viv Nicholson Dies

Posted by Lord Bearkeeper OBE DASc on
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Viv Nicholson, the woman who won the equivalent of £5million on the pools and then spent the lot, has died following a long fight with dementia. The legendary pools winner vowed to “spend, spend, spend” after scooping the jackpot with her husband Keith. The couple cashed in £152,000 with their win in 1961. The pair splurged the cash on flashy cars, designer clothes, holidays and partying, before being left with nothing when the taxman caught up with them. Mrs Nicholson, from Castleford, West Yorks., passed away on Saturday following a long fight with dementia, which she developed in 2009.