Last week I was due for operation number two as operation number one didn’t exactly go to plan and my bladder went into spasm. I have been pissing through a straw ever since. This is just another example of why my middle name is Lucky! I always wonder when it comes to operations, just what condition my lady garden should be in. Ordinarily, my personal garden is kept fur free as I am not too keen on a hairy beaver. I am not sure if other girlies are the same, but when having an operation I often wonder if it is more acceptable to have some grass on the pitch. In my head I’m thinking the surgeons will be looking and thinking, “Oooh, we have a dirty girty here who is fully shaved.” I have asked a few friends and they always say they just keep their garden neat and well pruned so I start agonising over whether the surgeons and nurses think I’m filth. I do usually end up thinking that I am total filth anyway so fuck it!
As Miss Chimpton will no doubt verify – without being prompted in many cases – I have been on this planet more years than I care to remember. During these years I have heard of many people who I can only describe as pure evil. However, I do not think I have ever come across anyone as evil and compassionless as the family of an elderly American man named Roger Curry and their accomplice, a man called Simon Hayes. In America you have to pay for health care, there is no National Health Service. So when Roger Curry became ill with dementia his family, helped by Simon Hayes, flew Mr Curry to England and abandoned him in Hereford so that he could get the medical help and care free of charge in the UK.
So the other day, Chimpton Chimpy left a comment here on Jammy Toast saying I had a black toenail and it needed amputating. She always derides my ailments which are obviously serious. Whenever I get man-flu she decides – without any medical training, I may add – that it is only a cold and that I should man-up. The same is now happening with my toenail. It occurred when I went for a rather brisk walk in an old pair of trainers which I discovered, only later, were a little on the tight side. According to trained medical staff – as compared to Chimpy armed with Google – it is most likely a bruise under the toenail, technically called a subungual hematoma. I have never been so made up, I actually have a proper medical condition with a big long name – Chimpy will be furious!
Some of you will have noticed that Chimpton has been getting more and more agitated recently. Her Asperger’s is running out of control and her Tourette’s is getting “fooking” worse. The amount of prescribed medication she is taking has reached the level where it now has to be delivered by DHL – and she still wants more. She is also beginning to lose her slender grasp on the reality she once had under control – many years ago now. Once upon a time, Chimpton and I would make plans for Granny’s meandering wander down the path to dotage and the steps we would take when she got beyond rational help. This has now turned full-circle to the point where Granny and I are needing plans for Chimpton’s fall into the abyss of psychiatric turmoil. Basically, her cheese has now well and truly slipped off her cracker!
Afew weeks ago I went to the quacks for my annual check-up. Why they call it an “annual” check-up I have no idea because I have never had one before in my whole life. While I was there I was also asked if I had received my flu-jab yet. I told them that I hadn’t and neither had I had one any other year for that matter. I stated that I don’t like the idea of bugs being injected into my system to help my system learn to fight off the very bugs they were injecting into me. Wouldn’t it be a better idea not to get flu bugs anywhere near me in the first place, let alone through a hypodermic needle?
Aman who recently worked in Africa is being treated for the deadly Ebola virus at the Royal Liverpool Hospital. He is undergoing tests after concerns were raised over his health. The man, described as having a history of travel to Western Africa, became unwell in North Wales and was rushed to Merseyside in an ambulance. The hospital is one of four in the UK placed on standby last year in case the disease reaches Britain. Public Health England said the man was being screened for a variety of different diseases, including Ebola, adding the chance of him having the virus that went epidemic in December 2013 was “very unlikely”.
Everyone here at Jammy Toast would like to send our best wishes to Lieutenant Uhura after she suffered a stroke recently. Nichelle Nichols, who played Lieutenant Uhura in TV’s Star Trek, suffered the stroke last night while at home in LA her agent Zach McGinnis wrote on Facebook. “She is currently undergoing testing to determine how severe the stroke was. Please keep her in your thoughts.” The 82-year-old was handpicked by Star Trek creator Gene Roddenberry to appear in the original 1960s TV series.