The Life Of Paul #7

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I

’ve got two kids, a five-year-old and a two-year-old and I’m a stay at home dad. The wife comes home from work at half-five and all I get is, “You haven’t done the dishes.” I’m like, “F*ck off, you little snake!” She hasn’t got a clue what I have been up to all day, the stuff I have to go through. It was half-term a few weeks ago and by the end of it I was ready to volley one the c*nts through the f*cking window. I just can’t handle them. I can’t take them anymore. To be fair, the five-year-old I’m starting to get onboard with him. We’ve developed a little system whereby we’ve got used to each other. It’s like a prison in the house, I don’t mess with him and he doesn’t mess with me. He stays on his side of the house and I just throw him some toast every now and again. Now, the two-year-old, he’s a psychopath and he knows just how-to f*ck with me. I just don’t know what to do with him.

The Life Of Paul #6

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’m in a bit of a pickle at the moment. My girlfriend hasn’t spoken to me for twenty-six days. I’ve lasted three or four days before and then I start to flap. I start apologising, I’m a bit of a pussy, do you know what I mean? I’m so sorry, babe. But I have never gone twenty-six days before. For five days she was fucking off to bed at eight o’clock fuming and I was thinking this is fucking sound this. I wasn’t arsed. You must keep acting like you are arsed but you’re not. I was thinking this is great, I’ll just play on my PlayStation and have a wank. I’m better than she is at it anyway. No girl I have ever met is better at giving me a wank than I am at doing it myself.

The Life Of Paul #5

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W

hen I am working, I always ask people what they’ve had for their tea because I am starving most of the time. I started a little diet at the beginning of the year because I went a little bit mad over Christmas. I love Crimbo and I love mince pies. It got to the point where I was walking on stage and everyone would clap and then stop. I couldn’t understand why and then it clicked. People were thinking bloody hell, he’s a lot fatter than he looks on my phone. People watch me on Facebook doing my comedy stuff and then people started recognising me in the street as a fat Paul. I overheard someone saying to his mate, “Wow, that lad looks like a Fat Paul!” I was like, “I am Paul!”

The Life Of Paul #4

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know Andreaa is going to hate this but I love playing on my PlayStation – the Xbox is shit. I play Grand Theft Auto (GTA) with a load of me mates. If you don’t know GTA, the game takes place in a fictional version of Los Angeles. We’ve got our own motorcycle crew, we’re not knobheads or nothing. In the game you have to steal cocaine and smash places up and that. We fight other biker gangs and criminal organisations and that too. One night I fancied a game and none of me mates were online to play. The game is easier if there is a load of you playing together rather than being a solo bandit kinda thing. I wanted to complete some missions so I could get some money and but some new cars and that. I’ve got bills to pay you know, and the lads need their wages paying like. It’s taken over my life, I’ve got a payroll to pay because I’ve got four employees who work on the cars and bikes and that, not to mention we’ve all got kids to feed. So I was looking for someone to play with and I looked down the list and there is one guy called “Scouse Andy”.

The Life Of Paul #3

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y Dad is a knobhead. We had a big falling out and we didn’t speak to each other for eight years. I say big falling out but it wasn’t really, it was more a misunderstanding. I was at his house and when I left I said to him that I was going but give me a bell and I will see you in the week. He never rang me. So I thought well I’m not ringing you if you can’t be arsed ringing me. So we didn’t speak to each other for eight years. That’s how stubborn we both are. Then I got a message one day saying that he was in the hospital, he’d had a fall. I thought the pisshead so I never took it seriously. You see my dad works in a factory, he works twelve hour shifts and he’s pretty solid. Built like a brick outhouse and smokes about forty cigarettes a day. He’ll go the chippy, call in at the pub and have a couple of pints then he’ll go home to bed and wake up the next morning and do the same thing all over again.

The Life Of Paul #2

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went out with the boys at the weekend. Now the thing with me is I will be chatting with my mates and I will have one more sip of bear and I will be like, “I’m going home,” and I’m off. Everyone is like, “Where the fuck has he gone, has he gone for a smoke?” Another mate will say, “He doesn’t even smoke!” They will explain to people who don’t know me that I have gone home. I just go and get pizza and I go home. I buy all the food in the world and then I fuck off home. Now I’m a greedy bastard when am pissed, I’ll buy a pizza, a burger, I’ll get chips because I need chips to eat the pizza with and then I get some decoy chips. Decoy chips are because I know that some fit girl on Hardman Street will always go, “Give us a chip.” I always give her some chips thinking she might give me a blowjob but she never does… ever! I’m like bastard has had me chips! So that’s why I get decoy chips.

The Life Of Paul #1

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S

o I was lying in bed the early hours of one Thursday morning. It was quite a while ago because me and the wife had just been out on one of those Orange Wednesdays. Remember those cinema deals from Orange Mobile where you got in the cinema on a two for one deal or something. Back in those days her mum used to look after the baby every Wednesday and we went out on a little date night. Keeping the romance fresh in our marriage and that. So I am lying there drinking a brew and munching on a few hobnobs – who said romance is dead? Suddenly, from outside I head, “Hey, what are you fuckin’ doing looking in our living room window. I’ve got kids you know!”