Right so over the time have been doin this have told yas all about Relationships, Decorating, Shopping with ya berd, social media, the footy and goin’ the match, the weather, students and now I finally thought fuck it… am gonna be a proper blog ed and blog me head off! So I dug the lappy out from under the couch and wiped all the greasy finger marks off it. Kids must ov tipped their tea onto to the screen and munched it off the laptop, fuck the plates. So now I thought id tell ya about the best social media – twitter. Its proper off its barnet init? Only in Twitterpool could you get some of these decent as fuck “parody” accounts. Scousers own twitter from where am sittn. Every other poor bastard gets terrord to death till they fuck off.
So the winters here. The white stuff will soon be on the ground, it’s called snow. Everyone in the world has experienced it at some point. Maybe you really like it and can think back to fond memories of lashing snoweys at your teachers swede in school or bladdering 10a on East Prescott Road with abah a hundred snowballs. ahh, good times… On the other hand you might be a fuckin serious victim, and look back in horror as the “skallies” bounced loads of snoweys off your head, rolled you around in it and put loads down your back. For you, the snow is a horrible reminder of just how harsh life can be. It can be funny, but harsh.
Bit of a recap, last month I told yas where I ended up kissing and messin’ around with this berd in her flat. She says “I’m just goin’ the bathroom for a sec.” Not thinking anything of it, I strip off to me bills and dive into her little manky single bed. After a few minutes she comes back in wearing a little nighty. I thought “Decent” then in the background I could feel a piss brewing. I lashed her off me an told her “am just goin the bog a sec,” – suave bastard me la, swear down. I flick the light on and walk into the toilet… I’m greeted by the biggest shit I’ve ever seen.
Davidd has been inboxing me head clean off me shoulders asking me if I’d write yas more of these blog things. Even said he would double me wage but seein’ as am gettin’ fuck all anyway that’s easy for him to say. So looks like ‘ave become a proper little Jackanory avn’t i? So ‘ere goes… the other night my berd came down the stairs after goin the bog, i jokingly asked her “av you been for a shite?” she frowned at me an said “eeee shurrup!” Laughing i said “aahh, am only messn’”… or was I?…
Ihave done loadz of these now and ya should be getting the hang ov dealin with berds so this is me last blog thing. I’ll give ya some last tips before I go though. First off remember, relationships are fuckn sly on lads. Berds are just better at “romance” than lads are, it’s a facts. From a very young age, scouse lads are programmed not to be a fuckn berd, you must ov herd dads tellin their little lads to “stop crying”, “get up” an “hit him back”. See emotions, crying, umbrellas, “chats” and prams, are for girls. Running, fighting, shouting and suppressing ur emotions are for boys. then like a birthday or anniversary comes along and ur supposed to know what flowers your berd likes, what her favourite chocolates are, plan a romantic night and generally “sweep her off her feet”. So what i’ve done here is make a list. A list of things lads should and shouldn’t do… I’m like the doctor arn i?
Fuckn hell, warm isn’t it? How buzzing is everyone with the weather. Kinnell girls are running out into the street screaming and lying on the floor quick to get some kind of tan that they’ve not had to put 3 tokens in a machine for. Some fuckn man head was moaning about it the other day saying “Ughhh, its too hot!!” Yeh, you know why girl? It’s coz you’ve got a pair of jeans on with a big red hoody you man headed ming. I know you’ve got to “stay true” to your skateboarder roots, or whatever, but fuckn hell? Just chill out, put a little skirt on, and av a magnum or suttn.
Girls, do you think you know your old fella quite well? You know his favourite film, you’ve bought his favourite lager for him, and you’ve done that thing with his balls that he likes (you little dirt, am onto yooz). Thing is, you’ve never truly seen your fella untill you’ve watched him watch football. Every normal lad watches football in Liverpool, if he doesn’t, its all over. Be arsed with him, sittn there watching Scrapheap Challenge and thinking its fuckin boss. So really, you should take some comfort from the fact your fella watches togger, he’s normal and scouse if he does. Obviously, its got to either be Everton or Liverpool — any other team is a wool team. So if he starts saying some bollocks like “I think tranmere will be promoted again this season,” or “You should come and watch a Bury match with me one day,” its all over. Just put your coat on and bail. He’ll only moan and give you shit about supporting a team from liverpool anyway and whos got time for all that shit? Also, don’t accept the idea that your fella is alright coz he supports Liverpool, but he’s from Bury. Sorry, that doesn’t make your situation any better. A wools a wool. Soz!
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