Classic Toasts Retold #1

Posted by The Bearkeeper on
Category: Classic Toast25 Comments

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Chimpton; the only person in the history of holidays to take an Umbrella to the Caribbean.

Ihave recently been helping Edward restore all the old Jammy Toast posts stretching back to 2006. While I have been doing this, I have also been laughing at some of the old posts and the antics we got up to back in the days of yore. However, while I was busy helping Edward, I came across a glaring omission from some of the old posts. Back in those days Chimpton was a little more forthcoming and many of the Classic Toast posts tell her side of the story and yet fail to allow me the chance to reply. So working under the auspices of better late than never, I have decided to start a new series of posts today, where I can relay my side of some of the Classic Toast stories

One day Chimpton and I were on holiday lying on a beach in the Dominican Republic. We were not out in the full glare of the sun as it is very hot and so we had found a nice spot in the shade of an old tree. It was not long before a beach trader happened along with a rather fetching line in t-shirts and other Dominica memorabilia. He asked me if I was interested in any of his wares and while I declined Chimpton was stirring from her slumbers to see who the voices belonged to. The beach trader politely said hello and asked me who the young lady was. I told him that this was my daughter and that she was thirteen years of age but to be careful because she was a rather angry teenager in those days.

The Chimpton shot up and started cursing and swearing telling this guy that she was in her thirties and not thirteen as I had described her. I have no idea where Chimpton gets all these lies from but the beach trader could see a little domestic was brewing and decided to head for pastures anew.

A while later I was catching some Z’s in the shade of the tree when I heard voices all saying or questioning, “Bambino, 13?” As I opened my eyes all I could see was our beach trader friend coming back with half-a-dozen of his mates telling them all that Chimpton was a bambino of thirteen years of age. It is probably worth mentioning at this point that Chimpton is laying topless on the beach and that she has her nipples pierced not to mention her tattoos on display and her usual line in smutty banter.

The beach traders, who were in the forties and fifties, just stood there with their tongues hanging out while I beat a hasty retreat towards the bar to get some drinks in. Needless to say I was in trouble for this little antic and well, ok, maybe I did exaggerate her age slightly!

But is that any excuse for violence?

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About the Author

The Bearkeeper

A sad and lonely old man who used to have a life but it has now been taken over by his dedication to the cause of saving Renault Bears, running Jammy Toast and searching eBay, car boot sales, charity shops, lofts and even under beds for his beloved bears. He has even now taken in Flat Eric to save him from homelessness – his life is no longer his own!


25 Comments on “Classic Toasts Retold #1”

  1. I went to the Dominican Republic a few years ago but I don’t remember much about it other than being shit faced on the beach by lunch time every day!! :sunglasses:

  2. Find out what it’s like to have small kids by having someone ask you questions every 30 seconds. Why does the moon float in the sky? Do hamsters taste of ham? Do spiders poo web? If football makes you so unhappy why do you watch?

  3. Ewwww dirty pervy old gits thinking I was under age. They were standing round like I was their lunch. Dad is a git for causing trouble then pisses off, normally to get rat-arsed on rum slushies. I admit though I laughed an awful lot that holiday it was another great family adventure! :smile:

  4. Mr Brown has promised to read us all a story tonight. It’s about a recent adventure I had at St Pauls, London with my friend, Mr Gruber.

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