Day The Police Raided Jammy Toast

Posted by The Bearkeeper on
Category: Jammy Toast26 Comments

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We always consider ourselves to be law abiding citizens here at Jammy Toast, but there was a time this was put to the test. Chimpton reminded us the other day of the day Jammy Toast was indeed raided by the Police. Now before all your minds start running away with you, it was not a drugs raid. The Police had not had a tip-off about Chimpton’s secret cake stash or Razzi’s porn collection – this was something much more serious. So-much-so that if it happened today we would probably have been carted off in handcuffs and Theresa May would chalk up another victim to her Investigative Powers Act.

It all started off when I was trying to think of something to write about for that particular day’s post. If I have no inspiration, I sometimes look at newspapers online to see if there are any teddy bear stories or something which Jammy Toasters might find interesting or funny. I was looking on the Liverpool Echo website when I came across a story that the police had foiled a plan by a bunch of school kids to all meet-up in John Lewis’s new store in Liverpool One and have a massive game of hide-and-seek around the store.

I thought this was hilarious. I had a mental picture of all these Kirkby School Kids running riot around Lewis’s – just like a scene from a St Trinian’s film – and all the old-age pensioners running for cover in the bathroom accessories department. I thought this was a great idea for a post and so I wrote about our “fictional” plans for the bears to be playing hide-and-seek around Lewis’s electrical department. You can imagine the scene, one of our bears hiding and all the other bears tear-arsing around the store like maniacs with 50inch plasma screens flying everywhere.

It wasn’t my best work but I thought it was funny and I knew nobody would take it seriously, or would they?

It turns out the store manager of Lewis’s was a little nervous about the Liverpool Echo story and was searching social media and the internet to see if there was any more mention of hide-and-seek in his beloved store. He found our post, except he did not think it was as funny as I did. Back in those days, we had our phone number on the blog and so he rang us. He said he was worried about our story and I told him to go away, read the story more thoroughly and he would see it was a fictional story about a bunch of teddy bears playing hide-and-seek. Did he really think that could happen?

Riot Gear

The Police were taking no chances!

I may also have mentioned something along the lines of him needing to get a life.

Bright and early the next morning there was a knock on the door and there stood half of Merseyside Police’s Matrix team. In case you are unfamiliar with this unit, the Matrix team provides the Police with a high level response to gun crime, faction based criminality and cash-in-transit robberies. They are the first response to any major large-scale disorder within the area and I think they are even armed!

I invited a couple of them in and apologised but they couldn’t all come in because we didn’t have enough mugs for that many cups of coffee. They explained that they were here because they had received reports concerning a large scale riot in and around John Lewis’s store by a gang known as “The Renault Bears” who live in “Jammy Toast” and are led by the vicious gang-leader known as “Razzi”.

I couldn’t hold back the merriment any longer and I invited them to come through and meet Razzi. Two police women agreed to leave their riot shields, firearms and helmets at the door and came into Jammy Toast to meet Razzi… who is about 12inches tall and weighs less than a kilo. However, they were a little suspicious because he was wearing his little hoodie at the time. He may well have looked like a hoodlum but when he explained to the Police Officer that he couldn’t get over to Liverpool because I only give him £1 per week pocket money and the train fare was more than that, their faces dropped. They were coming to the realisation that this wasn’t quite the crime of the century they were hoping for.

I told them that I had told the store manager that it was a story about teddy bears and they left muttering something about a waste of police time and resources. Hopefully they had the same conversation with Lewis’s manager but at least it gave the neighbours something to twitch their curtains at.

Razzi, however, was really disappointed he didn’t get a ride in a big yellow Matrix van!

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About the Author

The Bearkeeper

A sad and lonely old man who used to have a life but it has now been taken over by his dedication to the cause of saving Renault Bears, running Jammy Toast and searching eBay, car boot sales, charity shops, lofts and even under beds for his beloved bears. He has even now taken in Flat Eric to save him from homelessness – his life is no longer his own!

26 Comments on “Day The Police Raided Jammy Toast”

    1. Ray, that is a completely true story but I will admit I may have exaggerated the number of police officers and matrix vans that turned up. It was actually one van and two police women… but it seemed like more!

  1. Still amazes me that not only did I convince someone to employ me I also managed to pass probation and become “one of the team”. How in the mother of fuck did I manage that?

  2. It would have been a good game of hide and seek though. Then while all the bears were distracting everyone Razzi could get out the back with one of those 50″ plasmas.

  3. Its all very true!! Hilarious my dad the criminal :roflao:

    In other news our nation’s capital was freezing and I believe I’ve found a rather nice gentleman friend :tongue-right:

  4. Also as I was rather ill and couldnt comment last night, I just wanted to say that Lestly’s story was rather good. Better than his piss poor first effort that he tried fobbing dad off with first. Pure shite that was!! I look forward to hearing more about dad :roflao:

  5. Since joining a Dire Straits tribute band I’ve had to take jobs at a free range egg farm and an apiary to supplement my income.

    I now get my honey for nothing and the chicks for free !!!

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