I decided I needed to pick up the lumberjack. I would rather try and fail or be told he is taken than to never have tried and live in regret world (I hate that place.) This is where my friends came in. I asked for advice. I didn’t mind looking silly but would prefer not to look like a crazed lumberjack groupie. I organised a brainstorming session with said friends and we came up with some pick-up lines for lumberjacks.
If I didn’t get help quick, I would be forced to use one of these…
- Could I get some lumberjack lessons? I’ve been told I work well with wood.
- I’ve got a bush you can trim.
- Is that a log in your pants or are you just happy to see me?
- Hey baby, I’ve got something you can drive your axe into.
- Can I wax your axe?
- Can I play with your saw?
You can see from the above list that my situation was desperate.
The plan was, I would go to the fair ground with guy pal S. I would look hot, we would watch the show and I would flirt like mad from afar again.
Here’s the lame ass story…
I went to the fair twice more and watched the lumberjack show three more times. I was picked again to go up on stage so I had two little chairs and the world’s cutest lumberjack held my hand and looked right into my eyes.
Then…
I chickened out!
Just as I thought I would.
I feel like a huge loser for chickening out, being rejected would have been preferable. I’m not sure why it was so hard to go and talk to this lumberjack. I picked up the Irish rugby team or at least a couple of them. I picked up a bartender at a gay bar, he wasn’t gay but did have a girlfriend. A girlfriend and I went to Toronto on a bus with some band after their show, I think this was more the girlfriends doing than me though. Another girlfriend and I joined a stag night and ended up in a different town on their bus. I picked up this cute guy, then picked him up again a year later not remembering who he was. I had six dates with six strangers in two months.
I think this is all proof that I am not usually afraid to approach men. I don’t know what happened this time but will now live in regret world and I really hate the place. Feel free to call me horrible names and tell me what a loser I am. I know it, kids. I will even include regret quotes here to show my sorrow and embarrassment.
O lost hours and days in which we might have been happy!
-Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
-Clemence Dane
Plus, the universe was pissed at me for not taking a chance as I had the world’s weirdest illness afterwards.
I had temporary viral arthritis. This mysterious infection caused inflammation of the joints and gave me swollen hands and feet. It should go away on its own so the emergency doc told me. Excuse me if this post doesn’t make much sense but I am kinda wacked out on pain meds. Excuse me if this only makes sense to the pink elephant who is helping me write it.
Archive Posts
This post continues from posts that were on the original version of Jammy Toast. If you wish to read the earlier posts in this series, you can now find them over on our archive website which can be found here at Classic Toast. The previous post in this particular series [Doing My Dirty Washing In Public #17] can be found here.
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57 Comments on “Doing My Dirty Washing In Public #18”
CHICKEN!!!!
You need new plans that was a crap plan.
Is that a log in your pants or are you just happy to see me?
#Class
So did “twice picked up guy” recognise you?
I must admit it is interesting hearing this from the females point of view.
So is that it? No lumberjacks?
I think if someone said to me, “I’ve got a bush you can trim,” then I would run for the hills!
I just want someone who can make a decent brew and doesn’t keep saying “you better not have the fucking Rona”
Wow, those are the worst pickup lines I’ve ever seen lol!
Arrrr need me a girl who will just stand on my back.
I’ve got pmt and I’m doing ugly cry videos in again, ye better come out an stop me if anyone loves me!
It is six months today since I put the country into lockdown. Coincidentally, it is exactly seven months today since I *should* have put the country into lockdown.
YIPPEE KI YAY MOTHERFUCKERS!
P minus 2
I hope they find a vaccine soon. I genuinely can’t take another 6 months of listening to my son talk about Minecraft!
I started praying yesterday. When will I receive my soul?
My bucket list is simple : to have always chosen kindness , and to be unforgettable to a handful that mattered.
I reckon the only way we can do Christmas this year is to kill the turkey and invite 30 round for the funeral.
Omg this new celeb karaoke show is a bit of meeeee!
I am sooooo ready for my bed! Alarm set for 5:30. I am literally the most boring person ever. ALL I do is work and sleep!
Do you think we have a shot at Christmas this year, or nah?
Facebook annoys me. I don’t see the point.
We killed one of the dinosaurs to make some Popeye Chicken Sandwiches.
Rolf report 24 Sept
One of the reasons I love to visit my campus mom Dr Claudia at her home is because she has provided me with my very own cat gym. It’s actually meant to be her kitchen but I have taken over. It’s such fun to leap between shelves at different heights.
Rolf x
I’ve been worried about Dorothy’s lack of interest in me so I went to Red Fred for advice. He listened very patiently even though I got a bit upset. He said I should just give it time, like he has with ET. Do you think that’s what I should do?
Good fuckin’ morning. A very autumnal feel to the fuckin’ weather out there today. Some heavy fuckin’ downpours and strong fuckin’ winds, especially in the south. The driest weather will be found across northern parts of fuckin’ Scotland and Northern Ireland.
Good morning to myself and joolie only x
My kid won’t call her joolie he insists on Ella HAHAHAHAHAHA
Half the people I know are in Turkey on holiday.
Mizzy night this year will just be a load of Jon Eds coughing through letterboxes before 10pm.
Woke up to 600 messages in the group chat… someone better be d*ad!
The body isn’t meant to last 80 years.
Another day at the piano… mind you I spend time at the piano every day but today will be longer than usual, as was yesterday and indeed Monday and Tuesday. I’m rambling now… “nurse”.
For those who have privacy concerns about the NHS Covid app, it uses Apple and Google’s API, not governments. If you are a conspiracy theorist and don’t trust Apple and Google, remember you have installed their OS anyway so it makes no difference!
Prince Philip will die around Christmas still waiting on his PIP claim.
Don’t get caught without fuckin’ your brolly today.
Torn between hating myself or being proud is a very fine line atm.
We listened. And we learned. Moving forward, Uncle Ben’s will be known as Ben’s Original™. Read our full statement to find out more about our brand’s new purpose to create opportunities that offer everyone a seat at the table.
https://announcement.unclebens.com
Thinking about what I can have for lunch already…
#starving
9:30 in the AM an a smackheads just asked if I wanna buy steak, great this city yeno.
Good morning to Carrie the Scottish guitar player from TikTok. I know I’ll find you one day love you
Used to be excited about the prospect of going out with the girls at the weekend and getting absolutely shitfaced. However the pinnacle of this week has been putting a new mop head on my mop and choosing a new storage rack for my shoes.
P is for…
“She’s still dead,” they all shout.
It’s cadging Carol from next door!
Is anyone doing online cheat sheets for the Covid test?
I genuinely think my cat has dementia. He goes out then goes round the front of the house and cries to come back in. Then if it’s raining he won’t go out so goes to a different door as if he thinks it won’t be raining if he goes out of that one.
Why put an asterisk in a f*ur letter w*rd on here? We all kn*w wh*t you m*an. D*n’t be a cunt.
OMG David Attenborough is on insta.. my day has been made x
Currently babysitting a play date between a rabbit and cat. Clearly I am not ok with some of my life choices.
Boris Johnson pisses the bed and wears Crocs in the bath…
I just dropped my phone in the bath, oh nooo it’s syncing!
A test & trace app but for finding where all the kitkat chunkys that I bought only yesterday have gone.
When we die, we’re gonna learn this was never really our world: It always belonged to the dogs, but they were just too polite to correct us. And if canines detecting Covid doesn’t empty shelters, then we’re not smart enough to be in charge anyway. Hey CATS: you better step it up!
It’s a little cooler today so I’m going to have a hot cocoa.
Good afternoon to everyone apart from those who don’t take the top off the shampoo bottle and hold it under the shower to get the last dregs out!
Was going to have marmite on toast for dinner and I’ve run out of bread. After the day I’ve had, this is devastating.