Granny And The Phone Apps

Posted by Lord Davidd of Birko OBE DASc on
Category: Grannyisms48 Comments

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Ican’t claim the credit for this post because it is here thanks to Twitter users. There was a #PhoneAppsForTheElderly the other day and of course it immediately caught my eye. The more I read the more I thought they were designed for Granny. In an ideal world, I could give Granny the hashtag and she could look at them herself but Twitter is too confusing for her. She doesn’t understand what all these atsigns and hashtags are – it’s like a foreign language she says. I’ve tried explaining how simple Twitter is but it’s like teaching a six year old nuclear physics. She actually has Facebook but she doesn’t even understand that! So here are a few of my favourite Apps for The Elderly as suggested by Twitter users…

WhatsNap would be useful for the afternoons once Granny has finished watching Judge Rinder. HairNetFlix sounds a gooden. There’s also GrannyHub, PayPop or there’s even a tracker to remind you where you left your dentures. Apple have some brilliant new Granny Apps like Find My iGlasses. iLift for when you have fallen and can’t get back up again.

iWill sounds good too. This App is designed to keep track of when the kids don’t call or visit? When family borrow money and don’t repay. Track it all on iWill… It keeps updates for your Last Will and Testament for who owes the estate what and who’s in or out! Don’t leave it to the Executor, get iWill!

Talking of phones, there is the “Do what I want not what I do you stupid phone” App. There’s even a “Speak the fack up!” app. The “What did I come into this room for?” reminder app. ForgetMeNot is a special Dating App for Alzheimer’s patients. Then there’s Instagranny or WhatsThat…? I can’t hear you, sonny! There are not just apps either, there are also games like Game of Crones; see how many of your friends you have outlived today or the racing game, Grand Theft Wheelchair. Anyone for Denture Adventure. Then there is a soft centre version of Candy Crush called Carmel Crush.

Spinstergram, Wrinkly Facebook, Granny Pornhub, StinkedIn, WhipperSnapChatter, Take-A-Napster and not to mention SnapChat… if it hears one of your bones snap while having a conversation it automatically calls an ambulance. Then there’s Googleloo to find the nearest public convenience.

There’s even Suburban Dictionary which translates today’s slang or words Andreaa or Lorah might use into words you might have heard in school before 1965.

There is a special driving app for the elderly called Google Drive. It works out how long it will take you to get to places based on driving at 15 mph. ShopStop, the app that holds up the Express Checkout line in the supermarket while you fumble with your glasses to read the tiny print on the bottom of the money-off coupon.

But at the end of the day, if all else fails, then there is always Uber Hearse!

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About the Author

Lord Davidd of Birko OBE DASc

A sad and lonely old man who used to have a life but it has now been taken over by his dedication to the cause of saving Renault Bears, running Jammy Toast and searching eBay, car boot sales, charity shops, lofts and even under beds for his beloved bears. He has even now taken in Flat Eric to save him from homelessness – his life is no longer his own!


48 Comments on “Granny And The Phone Apps”

  1. if you’re considering shagging your ex, just think to yourself does my vagina deserve this level of disrespect? no it doesn’t, it’s been through enough x

  2. I actually fancy the kecks off Will smith he’s getting better looking with age.. I’d grab hold of them ears he’d be like dumbo by the time i finished!

    I’m actually drinking Gin… and tbh it was Lorah’s fault because she talked about getting pissed earlier X

  3. Tom
    Fucking murder there boys never try an shag your bird with Derek on in the background la I’ve just had to cum to Ricky Gervais crying while a dogs getting put down!

    hahahahaha what is this shit?

  4. Looking at the diary , this coming week looks absolutely nuts, so the simple solution is that I won’t be looking at it anymore .

  5. “The true footpath is not planned and dug, but is something which has happened over the centuries as generations of feet have agreed this was the best way of getting to wherever it was they were bound for. It was feet that chose and made the route.”

    ~ Christopher Robin Milne

  6. Martin Tyler thinks City and Liverpool should both get a trophy today.

    Behave mate. I should get a trophy for putting up with this shite all season.

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