Granny At Christmas

Posted by Davidd Birko on
Category: Grannyisms63 Comments

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Since we relaunched Jammy Toast a few months back, we have neglected our grannyisms. I think there are probably two reasons for this; one, Granny is getting pretty good at hiding her grannyisms from us and two, I keep forgetting to make a note of the ones I observe. I think our New Year’s Resolution must be to keep an eye open for more grannyisms. So as a special Christmas surprise to all the Granny fans out there, I thought we could feature a favourite festive grannyism from a couple of years ago. This particular year, I had not seen much of Granny during the run-up to Christmas because she had flu and was staying out of everyone’s way so as not to pass it on.

Luckily for us, she still couldn’t go a whole month without causing mayhem and pandemonium – this time with a Christmas theme. As is usual around Christmas, Granny started writing lists and asking everyone if there was anything we wanted or needed. If so, we were to let her know early so that things weren’t being rushed at the last minute.

One evening I noticed a list on the kitchen table and was just nosing at what was on it. There in the middle of the list was “Turkey”. Now usually at Christmas, Granny shops around to find the best quality and price for our turkey but being ill she hadn’t been able to. This was my chance to shine like the diamond I obviously am. I started having a search around the interweb for Christmas turkey bargains to try and help Granny. I managed to find a large turkey on special offer, that day only, normally retailed for £26.99 but reduced to £13.50. Sounded like one of Del Boys bargains but I thought it was worth a mention.

It was around 9:30pm – which is normally passed Granny’s bedtime – but she was still up watching some crap on the telly. I showed her what I had found but warned her she had to order it before midnight as it was a one-day only reduction. She jumped on the interweb thingy and went to order it. She then needed to log in with her username and password to the store’s website to complete the purchase. However, this was Granny and she couldn’t remember either her username or her password. This was my cue to leave her to it. I have been caught in the middle of Granny forgetting passwords previously, I wasn’t falling for it again.

Twenty minutes later Granny popped her head around the door and informed me she had gone through the forgotten password procedure and everything was now hunky dory – the turkey had been ordered and she was off to bed. An hour later I heard Granny coming back down the stairs and another fifteen minutes went by before she popped her head around the door again and she told me she had forgotten to pay for the turkey. Once she had done that, she selected a time slot for delivery and Terry the Turkey was being delivered the next morning between 8am and 10am.

Job well done; turkey purchased and indeed, it was delivered the next morning.

That all occurred on the Friday. Over the weekend Granny bought the rest of the shopping and on Monday went out to get the last-minute fresh items for Christmas Day and Boxing Day. When she returned, she came up to me and told me she had just averted a near disaster. She told me she had been in the supermarket when she remembered we hadn’t ordered a turkey and if it wasn’t for her quick thinking, we would have been eating beans on toast for Christmas dinner.

I reminded her of the turkey we had purchased on Friday and the performance of the forgotten username and password, then forgetting to pay for it and coming back down the stairs to complete the online purchase. I also reminded her that it was delivered the next morning between 8am and 10am.

“Rubbish,” said Granny, “as if I would forget something like that!”

I lead Granny to the fridge with the freshly purchased turkey, opened the fridge door, and removed Terry the Turkey. “Terry Turkey meet your new friend, Tommy Turkey,” I announced to the world in general. You could literally see Granny’s jaw drop open.

A week later we were fed up to the back teeth of turkey sandwiches!

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Posted By

Davidd Birko

A sad and lonely old man who used to have a life but it has now been taken over by his dedication to the cause of saving teddy bears, running Jammy Toast and searching eBay, car boot sales, charity shops, lofts and even under beds for unwanted bears. He has even now taken in Flat Eric to save him from homelessness – his life is no longer his own!


63 Comments on “Granny At Christmas”

  1. Let the record show that I have at last changed my bedsheets.

    Now to manage to shower myself and Kel (again) before bed so we are clean to get into the clean sheets.

  2. This is going to sound bitchy and it probably is but a girl on my Instagram is pregnant and you’d think she was the only girl to get pregnant in the entire fucking world. If I see one more “bump dance” video with her belly out I’m going to snap.

  3. Rolf report 23 Dec

    In my role as Chief Technology Officer of the household, I’ve started sleeping on top of the big printer. It means I’m immediately available to help get the pages out. When the printer starts chugging, I shift from asleep to alert in less than a second.

    Rolf x

  4. My little Dumpling makes me laugh. She could relax in so many comfortable places but she chose a narrow piece of wood. I told her about the new settee but she didn’t want to know. My human said DD is well-padded and wouldn’t feel uncomfortable. What does ‘well-padded’ mean?

  5. “Your friend says, ‘How sweet to give me such a darling little handkerchief – how ever did you think of it?’ You smile modestly and say, ‘As soon as I saw it, I felt somehow that it was yours’; after which you may ask where she keeps the mistletoe.”

  6. Can’t be arsed with work today. Oh hang on that’s right am not in till January! back akip i go. Enjoy being a slave to capitalism u little bitches lmao couldn’t be me!

  7. Normally I go into work a bit early so I can get a cup of tea and mentally prepare myself but today I am simply getting there at the last possible moment so I don’t spend a minute more there than I have to on my last day before Christmas. Did I mention today is my last day?

  8. Just found out that my sweet little baby puppy, my angel from heaven, rips the squeakers out of his toys bc it’s a hunting instinct and he thinks he’s killed it when it stops squeaking (screaming).

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