Let me introduce myself. My name is Rachel… but, alas, I never appeared in Friends. I am not a regular reader of Jammy Toast, in fact I only found it because my Dad’s name is also Dave – explains the randomness of me appearing here. You all have a Dave who, from what I can tell, has never grown up and by coincidence – neither has my Dave. So I thought I would tell you about my Dave, his stories, habits and little sayings. Everything I tell you is true… unfortunately. In fact, many people find my Dave hilarious, I just mostly find him embarrassing. I think I should also add that I did ask my Dave for permission to write this on a blog and he replied; “What’s a blog?” I took this to mean I had received his permission.
My Dave is and always has been a drama queen, as far as I can tell. He comes across as quiet, shy and a little withdrawn until you get to know him. Once you do know him then you get an insight into who he really is. He once randomly jumped into a lake in broad daylight, fully clothed just because he could. He also gets totally random words stuck in his head and then can’t help but using them completely in the wrong context for weeks or even months. A current favourite is “Acromantula” from the Harry Potter series.
My Dave is in his 50s and has a permanent smile on his face like he knows something that you do not. He breaks out into uncontrollable belly laughs every time he farts, which is often. They say men take a few years longer to mature than women but my Dave doesn’t mature slowly – in fact, he doesn’t mature at all. I would even go so far as to say that he hasn’t even begun the process yet.
While growing up my Dave had an imaginary friend. Now most people have an imaginary friend in human form but my Dad had an imaginary budgie. This got very confusing for my Grandparents because he also had a real budgie. My Dave went around in public holding his finger out pretending that his imaginary budgie was perched on his finger. He would allow his imaginary budgie to fly across the road and then return to his finger much to the entertainment of passers-by.
I am not sure how long his imaginary friend lasted but I assume it must have been quite some time because he remembers him so fondly. He clearly had a strong bond with his imaginary friend. You might be wondering why he had an imaginary budgie if he also had a real one. I can only tell you that I have asked him the same question only to be told that the real pet budgerigar “just wasn’t the same”. Basically, as I understand it, my Dave had an imaginary replacement of something he already had simply because he was more attached to the made up version.
I do sometimes wonder if my Dad has a new and improved version of me somewhere that he has not admitted to yet!
The imaginary budgie lasted for over two years which is an amazing piece of persistence for a man who has completed very few books in his lifetime – and those he has finished are usually written by Karl Pilkington. I can only guess my Dad was bullied as a child.
So that is my Dave. If your Dave allows it, maybe I can tell you some more about my Dave next time.
Thanks for taking the time to read this.