Guest Blogger #1

Posted by Rachel on
Category: Guest Bloggers53 Comments

This is my Dad, Dave and before you ask, yes he is wearing a cycling helmet on top of his usual hat!

Let me introduce myself. My name is Rachel… but, alas, I never appeared in Friends. I am not a regular reader of Jammy Toast, in fact I only found it because my Dad’s name is also Dave – explains the randomness of me appearing here. You all have a Dave who, from what I can tell, has never grown up and by coincidence – neither has my Dave. So I thought I would tell you about my Dave, his stories, habits and little sayings. Everything I tell you is true… unfortunately. In fact, many people find my Dave hilarious, I just mostly find him embarrassing. I think I should also add that I did ask my Dave for permission to write this on a blog and he replied; “What’s a blog?” I took this to mean I had received his permission.

My Dave is and always has been a drama queen, as far as I can tell. He comes across as quiet, shy and a little withdrawn until you get to know him. Once you do know him then you get an insight into who he really is. He once randomly jumped into a lake in broad daylight, fully clothed just because he could. He also gets totally random words stuck in his head and then can’t help but using them completely in the wrong context for weeks or even months. A current favourite is “Acromantula” from the Harry Potter series.

My Dave is in his 50s and has a permanent smile on his face like he knows something that you do not. He breaks out into uncontrollable belly laughs every time he farts, which is often. They say men take a few years longer to mature than women but my Dave doesn’t mature slowly – in fact, he doesn’t mature at all. I would even go so far as to say that he hasn’t even begun the process yet.

While growing up my Dave had an imaginary friend. Now most people have an imaginary friend in human form but my Dad had an imaginary budgie. This got very confusing for my Grandparents because he also had a real budgie. My Dave went around in public holding his finger out pretending that his imaginary budgie was perched on his finger. He would allow his imaginary budgie to fly across the road and then return to his finger much to the entertainment of passers-by.

I am not sure how long his imaginary friend lasted but I assume it must have been quite some time because he remembers him so fondly. He clearly had a strong bond with his imaginary friend. You might be wondering why he had an imaginary budgie if he also had a real one. I can only tell you that I have asked him the same question only to be told that the real pet budgerigar “just wasn’t the same”. Basically, as I understand it, my Dave had an imaginary replacement of something he already had simply because he was more attached to the made up version.

I do sometimes wonder if my Dad has a new and improved version of me somewhere that he has not admitted to yet!

The imaginary budgie lasted for over two years which is an amazing piece of persistence for a man who has completed very few books in his lifetime – and those he has finished are usually written by Karl Pilkington. I can only guess my Dad was bullied as a child.

So that is my Dave. If your Dave allows it, maybe I can tell you some more about my Dave next time.

Thanks for taking the time to read this.

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About the Author


Many people find my Dad hilarious, I mostly just find him embarrassing but feel free to read what I write and decide for yourself. Oh, I feel I should add that I did ask my Dad for his permission to write about him on this blog and he replied with “I don’t know what a blog is”. I took that to mean yes.

53 Comments on “Guest Blogger #1”

  1. I wish my Dad dave was a bit shy! Shit, you can hear his gob from here to Australia. He once skitted a man who had the biggest pair of ears ever that I actually think he may of committed harikari due to my Dad’s big gob!
    Hello and welcome to Jammy Toast.

    1. In my defence, I was extremely drunk when I skitted at Mr Big-Ears and I would have apologised if I had been able to find him the next day!

      He. Had. Disappeared. :blush:

  2. I don’t think a father can really call himself a father unless at some point in his life he has been an embarrassment to his kids! However, he is always the one person you can turn to in times of crisis.

  3. My Dad always used to do this joke every time and I always fell for it…

    ME: Dad, I am hungry.
    DAD: Hi Hungry, I am Dad.

    Also, every time he did it he laughed harder than the time before.

  4. 17 year old girl died from taking Gary’s at Leeds festival, seriously do not take Gary’s whatsoever just stick to magic if you MUST they’re fucking killers.

  5. Winnie-the-Pooh woke up suddenly in the middle of the night and listened. Then he got out of bed, and lit his candle, and stumped across the room to see if anybody was trying to get into his honey-cupboard, and they weren’t, so he stumped back to bed.

  6. I would like to write on your blog about a phobia I have but I don’t think my story would be long enough to make a post. Maybe it is too long for a comment too but here it is anyways…

    It’s dark and I’m starting to panic. I’ve lived alone with my kids for over two years, and up until April, I lived in the middle of the woods. I was always mildly aware of the dangers of living alone in the woods as a single woman, but I was never truly afraid until last night. Ever since I was young, I’ve had nightmares about intruders. I’ve dreamt of them coming into my home, ruining my feelings of safety, violating my sense of security. I’d wake in a panic, heavy feelings of dread weighing on my chest like an anchor but I never had cause to fear.

    Last night I was awake late, talking to a friend, enjoying the fact that I’m on vacation and it’s a weekend. And then I heard a car, like the car I heard two nights ago, except this one stopped. Minutes later, my garden gate slammed shut… A very distinct noise. I was paralyzed. I couldn’t move. My heart pounded. I couldn’t speak. The feeling of dread and sheer panic was more than I have ever felt. I called 911. Police officers came to speak with me. All the while my young boys slept soundly. It was a nightmare and I’m afraid it’ll happen again.

    1. Gee that is scary stuff. What did the police say?

      Maybe get a big dog if you are isolated? Just the fact you have a dog that will make a lot of noise if someone comes near is usually enough to deter intruders. Maybe even a few “Beware of Dog” signs.

      1. The police think that maybe someone might’ve been trying to get into the yard of the business behind me, and that maybe since they couldn’t find a way in, they won’t be back.

  7. Pooh and Piglet and Rabbit and Roo were all playing Poohsticks together. They had dropped their sticks in and were all waiting to see whose stick would come out first. But it was a long time coming, because the river was very lazy that day.

  8. Rolf report August 25

    I was having such a fun time on campus that my family let me stay out all day. At 9pm they thought it was time for playtime to end. What a relief that they enticed me to come home with real Dreamies. This cat knows what he likes!

    Rolf x

  9. Before my human went away last week she left a new Nip plant in the veranda for us. She also sowed more seeds. She told me that when she gets back she will be making more NipKnots. I told her she should go on Dragons Den.

  10. They say that people are nicer and friendlier up North. Well I live down in Surrey and I’m a right cunt, so there may be some truth in it.

    Ben Nunn, Caterham.

  11. Iv woke up realisations hit me I’m starting my new job tomorrow and I am SHITTING anxiety’s through the bastard roof! don’t know why I do it to myself! X

  12. I can’t imagine all these young lads now with loads of birds on the go would be so clever if they had to ring the girls house and speak to their dads first like they used to. Can’t ring the house phone at 1am asking Wyd?

  13. I remember I used to get up an do all me hair an makeup, now I get up, look in the mirror and wonder if my pyjamas could pass for clothes down the asda.

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