So the other day, Chimpton Chimpy left a comment here on Jammy Toast saying I had a black toenail and it needed amputating. She always derides my ailments which are obviously serious. Whenever I get man-flu she decides – without any medical training, I may add – that it is only a cold and that I should man-up. The same is now happening with my toenail. It occurred when I went for a rather brisk walk in an old pair of trainers which I discovered, only later, were a little on the tight side. According to trained medical staff – as compared to Chimpy armed with Google – it is most likely a bruise under the toenail, technically called a subungual hematoma. I have never been so made up, I actually have a proper medical condition with a big long name – Chimpy will be furious!
Now the problem with my black toenail subungual hematoma is I have had it for months and it has not moved. Usually when you have a hematoma under the toenail it grows out with the growth of the nail, but mine is not. Again, according to the medical staff, a recently developed trauma (flipping heck, it’s a trauma too, Chimpy will be so jealous) it can take 4-5 months to grow out and for you to get a normal toenail back. Apparently, it is very common with athletes who do a lot of running (I’m an athlete, Chimpy won’t believe that one!) and get bruised toes referred to as “jogger’s toe”.
Advice given to runners varies but they usually suggest you treat it as the serious condition it is (eat your heart out again, Chimpy!). Injured toenails are not only painful and an ugly sight to look at, but can end up infected as well – the warm, moist environment inside shoes is the perfect home for bacteria.
According to sports dermatologists Mailler and Adams (fuck off Chimpy, I’m hearing from specialists now!), correct fitting shoes is the most important step [sic] – keeping your shoes laced snuggly, but not too tight, and making sure the toe area is large enough to keep pressure off of your nails. Keeping your toenails trimmed short and square (not curved) will also help evenly distribute stress on your toe. If you’ve already got a blackened and bruised toenail, you can leave it alone if it isn’t bothering you. If it is, you can try soaking in warm water to relieve some of the irritation.
So there you have it. Chimpy laughs at it and says I need to man-up while the experts refer to my subungual hematoma as a serious condition, most commonly found in perfectly honed athletes, and needs the attention of sports dermatology specialists.
Chimpy – eat shit and die!