I Have A Subungual Hematoma

Posted by The Bearkeeper on
Category: Health/Wealth26 Comments

Excuse the minty foot but this is my very own Subungual Hematoma!

So the other day, Chimpton Chimpy left a comment here on Jammy Toast saying I had a black toenail and it needed amputating. She always derides my ailments which are obviously serious. Whenever I get man-flu she decides – without any medical training, I may add – that it is only a cold and that I should man-up. The same is now happening with my toenail. It occurred when I went for a rather brisk walk in an old pair of trainers which I discovered, only later, were a little on the tight side. According to trained medical staff – as compared to Chimpy armed with Google – it is most likely a bruise under the toenail, technically called a subungual hematoma. I have never been so made up, I actually have a proper medical condition with a big long name – Chimpy will be furious!

Now the problem with my black toenail subungual hematoma is I have had it for months and it has not moved. Usually when you have a hematoma under the toenail it grows out with the growth of the nail, but mine is not. Again, according to the medical staff, a recently developed trauma (flipping heck, it’s a trauma too, Chimpy will be so jealous) it can take 4-5 months to grow out and for you to get a normal toenail back. Apparently, it is very common with athletes who do a lot of running (I’m an athlete, Chimpy won’t believe that one!) and get bruised toes referred to as “jogger’s toe”.

Advice given to runners varies but they usually suggest you treat it as the serious condition it is (eat your heart out again, Chimpy!). Injured toenails are not only painful and an ugly sight to look at, but can end up infected as well – the warm, moist environment inside shoes is the perfect home for bacteria.


According to sports dermatologists Mailler and Adams (fuck off Chimpy, I’m hearing from specialists now!), correct fitting shoes is the most important step [sic] – keeping your shoes laced snuggly, but not too tight, and making sure the toe area is large enough to keep pressure off of your nails. Keeping your toenails trimmed short and square (not curved) will also help evenly distribute stress on your toe. If you’ve already got a blackened and bruised toenail, you can leave it alone if it isn’t bothering you. If it is, you can try soaking in warm water to relieve some of the irritation.

So there you have it. Chimpy laughs at it and says I need to man-up while the experts refer to my subungual hematoma as a serious condition, most commonly found in perfectly honed athletes, and needs the attention of sports dermatology specialists.

Chimpy – eat shit and die!

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About the Author

The Bearkeeper

A sad and lonely old man who used to have a life but it has now been taken over by his dedication to the cause of saving Renault Bears, running Jammy Toast and searching eBay, car boot sales, charity shops, lofts and even under beds for his beloved bears. He has even now taken in Flat Eric to save him from homelessness – his life is no longer his own!

26 Comments on “I Have A Subungual Hematoma”

  1. Firstly HOLY SHIT YOUR FOOT IS UGLY. EWWWWW totally feel gippy right now :vomit:

    I told him weeks ago that it was just bruised and it would take a while to grow out as he has damaged the bed. I actually have a diploma in anatomy and physiology, unfortunately my father rarely listens to anything I say so has probably forgotten I did the qualification. He is a full on wimp!! The day we went into the BAT cave was the best day EVER HAHAHA, Dad screamed. If he didn’t walk like Earl off the Dinosaurs he wouldn’t have black toes that need amputating :roflao:

  2. My leader just hurled abuse at the Bayern Munich team bus . After it drove through a red light next to Tranmere Rovers . Don’t ever upset a tall blonde from downtown Birkenhead .

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