So if I am in India looking at arranged marriages I can’t not go to one can I? I can’t say I am looking forward to it though, if I am honest. If we ever get a wedding invitation through the door back home, I don’t really want Suzanne to see it. If she does see it, she will want to go and it’s the equivalent of getting jury duty to me. If a jury duty card comes through the door you can’t get out of it. I didn’t want it, I don’t want to do it but you can’t get out of it and it’s the same with a wedding invite. Just because two people love each other why do they have to drag other people into it? Get on with it on your own, email us the pictures, we’re happy to have a look but that’s it. Anything else just annoys me.
So in India because arranged marriages happen so quickly they hire detectives to spy on their future wife/husband to see if what they have told their future partner is true or not. So the detective follows people to see if the story they have given is the truth. The family want the information they have given is true. Has the boy’s side given the girl’s side the correct information? This is all documented too, so like he’s a non-smoker, non-drinker, is a vegetarian, etc. So then the detective spends a day following the boy around to see if he smokes or goes to a bar and observes the boy’s activities during the whole day.
So it’s crazy this detective follows the bloke around to see if he smokes or eats meat. I mean smoking a fag is hardly crime of the century. Even if he was smoking he might have just started that day because he was nervous. He’s about to get married isn’t he?
So when the day of the wedding arrives it’s just total madness. No one does anything for themselves they have wedding planners running around everywhere organising just about everything. So I am there helping out a wedding planner and I get the feeling this is going to be one long day! They tell me it’s a small wedding because the reception is only for three thousand people. That’s just ridiculous. So my job is to go to the groom’s house and make sure that his headwear is straight. That’s when you know an event is over staffed when you’ve got someone to just go, “Ya hat’s not straight.” I mean seriously, the state the India is in, the amount of things that do need staff and yet I am walking around watching a fella’s hat.
Now when I said the day of the wedding, what I didn’t realise was these things in India can last up to five days. One thing is for sure, if you survive the wedding you will never want to go through with it again. You would never leave your wife. This is what we should do in England, people would stay together forever because they would never want to go through a wedding again!
Now I don’t like crowds and there’s three thousand people here for the reception. Then you have got the band making noise. That Indian music, I just can’t describe it. It is really high pitched flutes and whistles that sounds just like when you get a wasp trapped behind a curtain. It’s not musical, it’s just noise.
Most of the family seem to enjoying it though, except for the bridegroom’s brother who is still single. He looks as though he is enjoying it about as much as I am. He’s standing around hating every minute of it thinking that he is going to have to go through all of this one day. You can’t even say I am gay to get out of weddings these days because gays get married now. So even that isn’t a valid excuse. I couldn’t even do a wedding this size to be honest. All the numbers in my mobile phone wouldn’t get three thousand guests and I want to keep it that way to be honest.
I blame Twitter for all this. If you are on that you have like thousands of followers even if you don’t know them. If you put on that, “I am getting married, do you want to come…”
That’s the problem, it gets way out of hand!