Lestly In The Hizzouse #10

Posted by Lester B. on
Category: Lester's Column90 Comments

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Iam quickly approaching a rather scary birthday. After that birthday I will be of an age where even I consider myself old. As a child I thought anyone out of their teens was old but as I grew up that line moved backwards. Over thirties were old. Then over forties. In my head I moved the goalposts as I approached them. I can’t do that anymore. The next one is it – I am finally an old man. Other than the occasional jaunt, I have lived in the same neighbourhood for all of my adult life which makes things strange. Everything around me has changed but I don’t think that I have. I can see change in other people but I have remained more or less the same.

When I first moved to NYC in my early twenties, I shared an apartment with my then best friend. We used to play silly games together. As an example, as soon as it was warm enough each year we would strip our shirts off and race each other through the streets. The first one down to the River was Undisputed Champion of The World. People would watch us and laugh at our antics. The world was a different place thirty years ago, nobody freaked out if they saw somebody running. Today if I were to run I would probably get shot by an off-duty cop who thought I had just tried to blow up a building.

The world was a vibrant place when I was younger. People would see us running or acting out another stupid act and laugh because we were young. We were allowed to act up and use our space. Back then, I thought that scenario would last forever, but it doesn’t. When you reach a certain age people expect you to act your age. It is not that I have changed with age it’s that the rules of the game have changed. People notice you when you are young but you tend to disappear as you get older and people notice you less and less. It makes you realise just how much energy you get from just being noticed.

Another side-effect of living in NY is that it toughens you up. I was not a tough kid growing up, I was rather timid. I would never have deliberately done anything that I felt would upset anyone. Heaven forbid if I actually ever hurt anyone. That would just have destroyed the younger me. However, living in NY you have to learn to rein that in or you get walked all over. There is such a thing as being too kindly to others. If you are too compassionate to others here then you get manipulated. Your loathing of hurting others becomes a button for them to push. As a younger person I was made to feel hurtful or aggressive if I ever stood up for myself and, as such, I always backed down. Becoming an adult in NY has taught me there is a difference between being compassionate and having doormat imprinted on your forehead.

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About the Author

Lester B.

A number of things have been pointed out to me lately: I have a mole on my nose which I was completely unaware of, I also have rather mad hair, old glasses and a bit of a wonky-donkey going on. It also appears that I have love-handles because I am getting lax in my exercise routine and a fondness for rubber tree plants. Chimpy even says if she ever met me she would pretend she never knew me.

90 Comments on “Lestly In The Hizzouse #10”

  1. Today I have spent a pleasant afternoon talking about fisting with two nice gentlemen. One of whom is 6ft 8, yes I look like Im in Land of The Giants standing with him. In fact he even calls me little one :roflao:

    Sorry Molewart Face you’re still a catfish which just makes you a shit.

  2. I’ve changed out of my usual tuxedo and into a little waistcoat in honour of Sir Gareth and the team out in Russia. Come on England! Bring it home!

  3. We’re now all being asked to own up…

    I’ve not seen this much excitement in the office since they released names and addresses of local peados.


  4. Any other miserable old football moaning arses , fancy being in my gang ? Can’t be arsed going the pub with a load of Knobheads singing footballs coming home .

  5. Management are currently bunkered down in the conference room. Can’t help but feel if they reacted this quickly to peoples usual concerns, we wouldn’t have a SHIT on our kitchen floor!

  6. CCTV was inconclusive. We’re being told no one can leave until someone owns up.

    Everyone has turned on each other, friendships are long gone. This is now a real life Lord of the Flies..


  7. We work under extreme pressure every day.

    Today, one turd has divided a company. One solitary, well formed poo, has broken us…

    I just witnessed a colleague stand up and yell “IF THIS ISN’T RESOLVED BY HOME TIME, I’M GONNA SHIT ON YOU ALL”


  8. People are being sent home to ‘calm down’!

    You can’t make this up!

    One person just leaned over to me and said “I know who did it, I recognise the scent!!”

    Ahh Columbo, thanks for joining us…

  9. Shitgate Update:

    Suspicions and speculation have gone into overdrive.

    Current #1 suspect: The Cleaner

    Was this an attempt at the perfect crime? Was it smelt and dealt by the same person?


    The place is buzzing! Hushed whispers ringing around the office. Friendships broken beyond repair.

    And still, one little poo remains festering in our kitchen, like a tiny murder victim.

  11. At this point I’m beyond excited. I woke this morning expecting an average day in work and now I sit in anticipation of who pulled down their cacks, squat and shat on our kitchen floor…


    It was a disgruntled contractor who hadn’t been paid!

    They have just been lead out the building, shamed in front of us all.

    This has been a wonderful, wonderful day.

  13. The Met Office have issued a warning for thunderstorms to hit Merseyside on Friday, as the spell of sunny weather comes to an end in dramatic fashion. The weather organisation have issued a yellow weather warning for between 11am and 8pm on Friday. On Friday while it will be dry for the majority of the day and there is the potential for heavy and slow-moving thundery downpours in places.

  14. Ranked best pizza…

    1. Your neighborhood pizza

    314. Pizza Hut

    765. Tombstone Pizza

    1108. School pizza with the little cube pepperoni

    1,436,213. A toilet seat with ketchup

    5,324,532. Papa John’s

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