So the cricket – who is obviously a drunken itinerant – and Pinocchio decide to go to school and while he’s there he gets caught up in a puppet show and decides to become an actor. So Jiminy Cricket says, “You’re an actor now, there is no way you need any more morals,” and this is exactly what happened to Kevin Spacey.
Then Blue Fairy shows up again and finds Pinocchio locked in a cage because actors are not paid well and are treated like dog shit, which is kind of their own fault. So Blue Fairy asks what happened and Pinocchio keeps lying and his nose starts getting bigger. Funny thing is when I lie something on me gets bigger and if you didn’t see that joke coming then it’s your goddam fault.
Anyway Blue Fairy releases him and he catches up with Jiminy Cricket and he tries to go back to Geppetto but he gets taken off to an island full of guys who drink a lot and smoke cigars – it’s called Manhattan and that’s where money happens. Anyway – long story, short – everyone starts turning into a jackass which you should have guessed because they are all wearing Vineyard Vine’s vests.
So Pinocchio escapes only to find out that Geppetto and his cat have been swallowed by a whale… for reasons that are not clear. So Pinocchio swims down to the bottom of the ocean, climbs inside the whale and starts a fire inside the whale. The whale sneezes and everyone gets saved except Pinocchio the guy who is made out of wood who drowns somehow – without fucking lungs!
Geppetto, the cat and Jiminy Cricket start crying, Blue Fairy shows up and turns Pinocchio into a real boy and that’s… the end… of the… story.
Do you see my dilemma? Nothing makes any sense. Wooden guy with no lungs is the only one who drowns. Cool. Great job. Walt Disney you fucking dick! I am now having nightmares about stockbrokers from Manhattan called Chad because of you.
Let’s see what next month brings.