Lestly In The Hizzouse #19

Posted by Lester B. on
Category: Lester's Column31 Comments

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Hello this is Lestly and it is your favourite time of the month again… Storytime. So last time I got into the grown up movies but I sort of have a hankering for Disney so this time it is back to the kid’s stuff. Have you ever seen the film of Pinocchio? It starts out with this old guy with a moustache called Mister Geppetto who lives alone with his cat and he carves little children out of blocks of wood, which is not creepy at all. Anyway Blue Fairy shows up and turns one of those blocks of children into a live block of wood named Pinocchio who is a little boy. Then she appoints a cricket to be his moral compass because that makes a lot of sense.

So the cricket – who is obviously a drunken itinerant – and Pinocchio decide to go to school and while he’s there he gets caught up in a puppet show and decides to become an actor. So Jiminy Cricket says, “You’re an actor now, there is no way you need any more morals,” and this is exactly what happened to Kevin Spacey.

Then Blue Fairy shows up again and finds Pinocchio locked in a cage because actors are not paid well and are treated like dog shit, which is kind of their own fault. So Blue Fairy asks what happened and Pinocchio keeps lying and his nose starts getting bigger. Funny thing is when I lie something on me gets bigger and if you didn’t see that joke coming then it’s your goddam fault.

Anyway Blue Fairy releases him and he catches up with Jiminy Cricket and he tries to go back to Geppetto but he gets taken off to an island full of guys who drink a lot and smoke cigars – it’s called Manhattan and that’s where money happens. Anyway – long story, short – everyone starts turning into a jackass which you should have guessed because they are all wearing Vineyard Vine’s vests.

So Pinocchio escapes only to find out that Geppetto and his cat have been swallowed by a whale… for reasons that are not clear. So Pinocchio swims down to the bottom of the ocean, climbs inside the whale and starts a fire inside the whale. The whale sneezes and everyone gets saved except Pinocchio the guy who is made out of wood who drowns somehow – without fucking lungs!

Geppetto, the cat and Jiminy Cricket start crying, Blue Fairy shows up and turns Pinocchio into a real boy and that’s… the end… of the… story.

Do you see my dilemma? Nothing makes any sense. Wooden guy with no lungs is the only one who drowns. Cool. Great job. Walt Disney you fucking dick! I am now having nightmares about stockbrokers from Manhattan called Chad because of you.

Let’s see what next month brings.

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About the Author

Lester B.

A number of things have been pointed out to me lately: I have a mole on my nose which I was completely unaware of, I also have rather mad hair, old glasses and a bit of a wonky-donkey going on. It also appears that I have love-handles because I am getting lax in my exercise routine and a fondness for rubber tree plants. Chimpy even says if she ever met me she would pretend she never knew me.


31 Comments on “Lestly In The Hizzouse #19”

  1. ive just seen someone having a jeremy corbyn themed party for their birthday. omg if my mates dont do this for my next birthday im kicking the fuck off! x

  2. TV licence should be scrapped for everyone. We paid for the TV, the media system, the Netflix subscription. Why do we have to pay a licence to use our eyes on the moving pictures? Are you mad?

  3. A bloke from my hometown once robbed a post office while stark bollock naked and off his box on ket. I’m surprised he isn’t a frontrunner in the tory leadership race.

  4. Going for the cat-lovers vote, leadership contender Rory Stewart gave me a stroke outside cabinet this morning… It was a good stroke, but I left when I realised the other nine contenders might be about to copy him!

  5. Hey Durex Condoms. I’m a bit upset with you. Bought your “ribbed for her pleasure” condoms and was highly disappointed … NO WHERE in your advertising did you say I needed a man to go with them! Now what am I meant to do?

  6. I thought my Fitbit would wonder what happened to me, since I hurt my foot and am parked on the couch most of the day. But nope, turns out not much different than before.

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