Lestly In The Hizzouse #28

Posted by Lester B. on
Category: Lester's Column64 Comments

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Iconfess it is a little late in the month for my Hizzouse but I can offer explanation in the way of this post. It started with my breathing getting laboured to the point I was lying in bed and it actually hurt to breath in and once this arduous task had been completed I couldn’t wait to breath out again. Next thing you know I had a fever and a really dry cough that was pretty persistent. By this time even my addled brain was beginning to guess at a reason for my ailments. I Googled it and discovered that they were doing “in car” tests just a few blocks away from my apartment. I jumped in the car trying to avoid anyone while making the short but painful journey to the carpark. There was a pretty impressive queue forming so I figured that if I didn’t have it then there was less chance of me catching it in my car than if I went to the ER. So in the queue I sat.

Eventually I got to the front of the line and they tested me. Heaven knows why the queue took so long to move because the whole thing was over in twenty seconds. They told me to go home and stay in quarantine and they would send the results to me. I have been waiting for the results ever since.

Luckily I have Natalie to look after me and what an excellent Mother Hen she makes. She makes pretty decent chicken soup – the food of the sick and dying everywhere – and has joined me in our little quarantined world. She has shown no sign of any of the symptoms but is happy to have the time off from work.

There has not been too much to do. I am not really a sit around the apartment all day kind of person. So I have done what I always do in such times and planted myself on my laptop online. I wasn’t really in the mood for Catfishing, it is not really the thing to do when every breath you take is laboured. Instead, I have been chatting on a few forums that I contribute towards. I did notice there was a thread especially for those suffering or worrying about COVID-19. I left a few comments and replied to a few other people’s comments on the subject and left it at that. The next day I had received a message from an older guy who was asking about my symptoms. I explained that I had just been tested and was waiting for the results and he tells me he is a retired doctor.

We spent half an hour chatting away and he asked did I have family close by to get anything I needed from the shops. I replied that I didn’t and that now my room-mate is also in quarantine we are relying on a delivery service which is a pain when they don’t deliver what you order – because the shop is out of the product I am guessing. If it was just me popping round to the shops and they didn’t have something, I would just get something else instead. This simple procedure seems impossible for others to perform and I am now seriously missing my Paleo Bars.

He informs me that he knows the very bars and that if I give him my address he will pop some in the mail. I was a little reluctant at first but after I had asked him a few doctor type questions and he had answered them quicker than anyone could possibly Google the answer, I figured he was legit. I also was working under the assumption that as my apartment block has a security guy at the front desk he could hardly get into the building to murder me in my bed and who would want to murder a germ riddled body anyway.

I gave him my address and couldn’t wait for the mailman.

Later on that very afternoon the aforementioned security guy buzzed up and said there had been a parcel left for me at the front desk and offered to run it up to me because I was in quarantine. It was only a pretty expensive box of twelve Paleo Bars and a note wishing me a speedy recovery. It got to me that quickly that he either hand-delivered it himself or used a courier.

The whole thing has revived my belief in the human race which – during these troubled times – has been sorely tried.

Thank you doctor guy.

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About the Author

Lester B.

A number of things have been pointed out to me lately: I have a mole on my nose which I was completely unaware of, I also have rather mad hair, old glasses and a bit of a wonky-donkey going on. It also appears that I have love-handles because I am getting lax in my exercise routine and a fondness for rubber tree plants. Chimpy even says if she ever met me she would pretend she never knew me.


64 Comments on “Lestly In The Hizzouse #28”

  1. All joking aside I hope you make a full recovery. I must admit I thought this was only killing the elderly then today I hear a 21 year old with no underlying health problems has died. This just got serious, if it wasn’t already.

  2. I’ve just been round to my Dad’s to install a rain canopy above his front door and the first thing he did when I arrived was come to the window and ask “Do you want a hand?”

    “NO I DON’T, STAY IN THE BLOODY HOUSE!”

  3. Honest to Jesus Christ. The country is supposed to be on lockdown yet there’s still dirty little pox bottle young lads coughing into the faces of the elderly and nurses at the bus stops. Keep your fucking kids in because one of them does that to me or my dad I’ll volley them x

  4. Was asked who I most want to be quarantined with and honest to god.. it would have to be Will Smith imagine I’d peddle his ears and use his face as a bike seat sure the conversation would be tantalising also x

  5. Judy’s friend lives on Windsor Gardens and it’s her birthday tomorrow but she can’t have a party. We’re going to message our neighbours to ask them to make signs to put in their window so she can see them when she looks out from her home and feel special.

  6. Rolf report 26 March

    Sometimes my English human has to google things my American human says so she can understand him. Today’s Rolfie video is a case in point. My AH described me as “hanging ten”, which means being extremely chilled out. That summed up my mood perfectly.

    Rolf x

  7. “I don’t mind Tigger being in the Forest,” said Eeyore, “because it’s a large Forest. But I don’t see why he should come into MY little corner of it, and bounce there.”
    “I didn’t bounce, I coughed,” said Tigger.
    “Bouncy or coffy, it’s all the same.”

  8. A crow follows my human around the allotments. He knows that when she feeds us cats she gives a bit of food to him. He isn’t frightened of anyone, not even Gloria Glover. Mind you, he hasn’t met Dorothy yet…

  9. I don’t think paws were meant for clapping, so I’m going to spend some time today practicing to try and make my clap a little louder for tonight.

  10. My hair now resembles that of Wurzel Gummidge. Potentially it could be at least a couple of months before I can get it sorted and so could that become the moment for the first short back and sides for nearly 40 years… very possibly.

  11. Everyone is handing out thanks today to medics, healthcare workers, carers, social care workers… but let’s not forget the other key workers. What would we do without Dave caring for all the bears?

  12. Grateful though I am for you “just checking in to see how you’re holding up”, the reason we “never seem to get a chance to catch up” is because I don’t like you. If you knew me you’d know that I like about 6 people, tolerate another dozen and despise everyone else. Fuck off.

  13. Seem to be a lot of self employed accounting experts out this morning? Apparently we only declare a tenth of our money? Just sit on a massive pile of cash in our mansions.

  14. Mad how all these footy experts have now turned into data analysts/infectious disease specialists. Is there no end to the talent of the people in this country?

  15. For all of my friends here in the UK can I encourage you to take part in the Clap For Carers at 8pm today. It’s your chance to show appreciation for those doing so much to look after us.

  16. Can’t believe my fella that doesn’t know he’s my fella hasn’t been online for 6 hrs and I just wanna know who he’s cheating on me with, or if the virus just got him?

  17. I was losing weight before this fucking virus and now I’m going to end up getting airlifted out my house by crane and shoved into rehab for being a fat alcoholic.

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