My Last Valentine

Posted by Lord Davidd of Birko OBE DASc on
Category: Friends & Relatives32 Comments

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We haven’t heard from our Queen for a very long time. Queen Ananasty was the person who helped me start our very first blog back in the summer of 2006. She was young at the time and the two of us used to entertain each other on Sunday afternoons when we would have otherwise been bored stiff. We would go and play golf, bowls try and find her socks after I had stolen them – you name it, we usually got into trouble doing it. The two of us used to go off and get into trouble and then post stories on our very first blog. Fun times. However, today is Valentine’s Day and so I thought I would share one of our old stories from back in those early days. These were even pre-teddy bear days…

The story took place on Valentine’s Day around 2002 when Chimpton and I used to work together for just about the worst company in the history of companies. I know you will all find it hard to believe but I hadn’t got a single Valentine’s Card. I was in work in body but my mind was elsewhere. Wondering where all my Valentine’s had gone.

What could have caused this situation?

  • Maybe the postman couldn’t carry them all?
  • Maybe the number of cards I had on the way had caused a massive road block?
  • Maybe they had the wrong address?

Whatever the reason I was cardless.

Here we were on 14th February, the traditional day on which people let each other know about their love by sending anonymous cards and I haven’t got a single card. Maybe, just maybe, all my Valentines this year had decided not to send a card but to place an advert in the local paper declaring their undying love.

Yes, that would have been it!

So, I dive out of the office and head to the newsagents to purchase the local paper and quickly return and open it to the Valentine’s Day Messages page.


Although it was difficult to come to terms with, it looked like I was unloved. No one had got me a card or had sent me a Valentine that year!

How upsetting a day it was proving to be.

All of a sudden one of our clients came rushing into the room. “Hey, Davidd. There is only a Royal carriage outside what the hell would that be parked anywhere near this shit heap for?”

At that very moment the question was answered as Queen Ananasty strolled into the room and said to me; “Davidd will you be my Valentine?” and gave me a big card.

Of course I replied; “YES!”

So, that year I only got one Valentine but it was a very special Royal Valentine and I guess that it meant just one thing; I was loved after all.

UPDATE: Ananasty doesn’t come and visit us anymore because she is too grown up for Jammy Toast and probably doesn’t want any of her friends to know she would have anything to do with Teddy Bears. However, she is still, some sixteen years later, the last person to ever give me a Valentine Card!

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About the Author

Lord Davidd of Birko OBE DASc

A sad and lonely old man who used to have a life but it has now been taken over by his dedication to the cause of saving Renault Bears, running Jammy Toast and searching eBay, car boot sales, charity shops, lofts and even under beds for his beloved bears. He has even now taken in Flat Eric to save him from homelessness – his life is no longer his own!

32 Comments on “My Last Valentine”

  1. Arrrrrgh little Fathead. She was so cute back then. I wish she was still little! We had some great fun back then. I never got any Valentine’s today dad, Im thinking being old and having a fat ass means your no longer desirable :confused: O’well Happy Valentines fellow Jammy toasters.

  2. OMgg Diss Orriblee Dirty Bisexuall Gothic Slagg As Juss Muvdd Inn R Roadd .. Well Barr 3 Munffss Agooo .. Nd I Gave Err Me Addi Coz Yanoo .. Ndd Shee Wentt Da Ovaa Dayy Amm Soo Fkin Horneyy I Want U Inn Myy Bedd .. Soo A Wentt Eeeeeee Ya Dirtyy Orrible Fingg Stayy Awayy Frm Me Ya Weird Twatt Am Intoo Lads Nt Girls .. Nd Shee Started Sayin Daa Amm Uglii Nd Cant Get EnyyLads .. Nd I Went Yeaa Well ??

    MURRR !!

  3. I often wonder if my dog looks at me when I’m sleeping and thinks “he’s so cute when he snores” like I do for her.

    Most likely she’s helping my wife plot my murder.

  4. Dear Donald Trump,

    A Pigeon has never committed mass murder with a Gun.


    Because Pigeons are not allowed Guns.

    Think about that.

    Love from Jon.
    (I am a Fucking Pigeon)

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