Only In America… Or Perhaps Not

Posted by Lord Davidd of Birko OBE DASc on
Category: Davidd's Doodles35 Comments

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We read a rather interesting article today from the Consumer Product Safety Commission who promote the safety of consumer products by addressing “unreasonable risks” of injury. They have recently released details of some of the more bizarre reasons for people ending up in A&E – or the Emergency Room as our American friends call it – last year. Anything as simple as swallowing a coin right up to the person who managed to get a full-sized shampoo bottle stuck up their rectum have made their list. The list really does make you think – one individual managed to swallow a small transistor radio!

Some of the bizarre cases included a tampon having to be extracted from inside an ear, a keyboard key getting stuck up a nostril and someone putting soap on an electrical wire and inserted it into his penis. One thing is for certain – every last item had no place being inside the human body. Here are the details of some of the more bizarre items to make the list for 2018, but do not read it if you are particularly squeamish and do not try them at home…

The Ear

The items that people somehow got stuck in their ears included: a necklace, crayon, part of a pen, a drain plug and a match. Also on the list was the end of a comb, some toilet paper, floam (playdoh), a papioca ball, a toy mouse, popcorn, a leaf, a tampon and a googly eye.

The list continued with a googly eye, a glow stick, a piece of gelatinous toy that expands with water, pearls, a car key, a bug, bleach on an ear bud and the ear bud itself.

The Nose

The things people got stuck up their noses were a rubber band, a butterfly, paint, a vitamin, a cotton ball and a tree nut. One person claimed they sneezed and a computer keyboard came out their right nostril, but when they sneezed again they felt another.

Chewing gum and its wrapper also featured in the items found up people’s noses, as well as a sex toy, a pool noodle and a piece of steak.

The Throat

These items included: A banana, a plastic toy banana, an earring, a Christmas tree branch, a toy horn, salt from a salt lamp, mulch, part of a chip dip container and a throat sweet still in its packet. Also on the list is a small transistor radio, a mood ring and steel wool.

One said they swallowed a coin (a quarter) while eating peanuts.

The Penis

A pipe cleaner, a straw, a domino, a thin electrified rod and a piece of hard white plastic that broke off while working with crafts got stuck. Also on this list are the following items: The back of a remote control, a metal paper clip, fingernail clippings, toilet paper, a pen cap and 6 to 7 BB pellets.

One said they put soap on an electrical wire and inserted it into his penis.

Other things that got stuck were a crack vial, crafting string, a fork, pen and jelly wrapper, a chain, pieces of a plastic hanger and a plastic hook.

The Vagina

Objects which got stuck up vaginas included a small child’s toy baton, a coloured pencil, multiple cotton balls, the cap of a deodorant spray, a domino, pieces of a pen and a glass paperweight. One woman said part of an egg vibrator came apart leaving parts of it inside her, along with its batteries. An artificial fingernail was also stuck up someone’s vagina, as was a makeup brush, a toy plastic banana and a penis ring.

One said she’d had a sex toy stuck in her vagina for eight months.

The Rectum

Items people got stuck in their rectums were: A Christmas ornament ball, a billiard ball, a nail file, a shot glass, crack cocaine, sex objects and an SD card. One reported that they jumped on the bed, where a toothbrush was lying, causing it to go inside their rectum. Another said they sat on the sofa, accidentally sitting on a ball point pen which got lodged inside.

Also on this list was a plastic pencil case, a marker, a green crayon, an iPad stylus, a bottle of lube with the cap on, the leg of a telescope, a plastic cigar holder, a lighter and a plastic pill bottle. The list continued with a bottle of travel size mouthwash, a small shampoo bottle, a full sized shampoo bottle, an aerosol can, a golf ball and two golf balls in a bag.

Other things to get stuck were a soda bottle, a plastic pill bottle, a 7oz beer bottle, a bar of soap, a candle in a condom, a mixture of bleach and water, a light bulb, a broom handle, a mobile phone, a keychain with a flashlight and its battery and a “significant” amount of string.

For me, the best part of this would be if I actually worked in the A&E department and could witness first hand, the embarrassed looks on the faces of people reporting these mishaps. Imagine trying to explain to the doctor that you jumped onto your bed and a toothbrush that just happened to be innocently lying there manage to jump up your rectum.

Yea, of course it did!

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About the Author

Lord Davidd of Birko OBE DASc

A sad and lonely old man who used to have a life but it has now been taken over by his dedication to the cause of saving Renault Bears, running Jammy Toast and searching eBay, car boot sales, charity shops, lofts and even under beds for his beloved bears. He has even now taken in Flat Eric to save him from homelessness – his life is no longer his own!


35 Comments on “Only In America… Or Perhaps Not”

  1. Today I went to pick my nans ashes up and on my way out there was the smallest little coffin I’ve ever seen in the hearse ready to take a baby to her funeral. Just in case anyone needs a bit of perspective while you’re crying about pointless shit today.

      1. Considering I haven’t exercised for the best part of 5 years and suffer from crippling embarrassment about my fatness and unfitness I’m really happy with myself. Tune in tomorrow for aches and pains complaints x

  2. When you are a Bear of Very Little Brain, and you Think of Things, you find sometimes that a Thing which seemed very Thingish inside you is quite different when it gets out into the open and has other people looking at it.

  3. Rolf report Nov 7

    Over the past few days, my human & I have appreciated our long, leisurely late night leash walks. I lead the way & set the direction. I’ve been such a good boy. At the end of our nightly adventure, I’ve happily returned to the house with no protest.

    Rolf x

  4. One good thing about moving to Lincolnshire, the neighbours are lovely. One has just knocked and asked if i needed anything from the shop because of the floods in the village as i don`t have webbed feet.

  5. Weighed myself for the first time in a while this morning and well… I’m the heaviest I’ve ever been. But hey, I feel as though I’ve come a long way since the person I was in 2016 who had twigs for thighs aha.

  6. Had so much fun at Scala Radio yesterday recording a 2 hour special for later this month and also popping in to wish Planet Rock a happy 20th birthday . I did enjoy Rick’s Place with Hoffy. Priceless times .

    1. Little Cobweb went to the vets this morning be..errr.. “done” The nice lady vet said “I’ll just check to make sure they are developed enough for the operation”, lifted him up & with a surprised expression on her face, exclaimed “My word ! What a big boy you are”. I was so proud!

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