Our Granny #18

Posted by Lord Davidd of Birko OBE DASc on
Category: Grannyisms35 Comments •

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Ihaven’t written anything about Granny for a couple of months because I keep waiting for her to do a massive big Grannyism. She still hasn’t done anything major so I thought I would share some of the more minor Grannyisms with you while we wait for the next major event. The main reason for most of the Grannyisms is that Granny never gives anything her undivided attention. While she is performing one task, she is thinking about ten others. An example of this is the time Granny brought me a cup of tea with a knife and fork to stir it with. Although this is quite funny on the surface, what has actually happened is Granny was bringing my cuppa but also thinking that it was soon going to be time to lay the table for tea. If you keep this abstract thinking in mind, some Grannyisms actually make sense.

The other day the local news was on the telly when they announced that the trains were up the wall because of that day’s lightning strikes. Straight away Granny pipes in with, “Oh isn’t that typical, as soon as the decent weather comes along and people want to go out on day-trips, the trains go on strike.”

I replied, “Granny they are not on strike, some the signals have been hit by lightning and it’s disrupted the service.”

“Do you think I am stupid, they just said that they were on strike, I heard it,” says Granny.

“No, they said LIGHTNING STRIKES.”

“No they never,” this is Granny’s usual reply to anything you say that contradicts her.

Ten minutes later the item came up on the local news and Tony Morris, the Granada Reports presenter, announced that trains had been cancelled and delayed that day because of a lightning strike on a signal box. Granny was last seen heading for the kitchen to perform some vital mission and refused to answer any questions about any British Rail industrial action.

The next day the sun was cracking the flags and Granny had the windows and doors wide open around the Jammy Toast Centre to let some cool air in. In no time at all we were inundated with flies. Granny shoots out to the shops to buy some fly repellent and returns with some patches that you stick to the window and it kills off the little blighters.

We had never had these patches before and so Granny is keeping a close watch on them to check that they perform as advertised. Ten minutes later Granny is screaming, “Oh typical, look at that fly he loves that patch, it is not even affecting him at all.” As a fly settles on the window right next to the patch.

“Granny, the fly is outside you nugget!” I reply.

We have mentioned before just how much Granny loves bulk purchasing. If she is in a shop and sees some special offer then she is like a rabbit caught in the beam of an oncoming car. Nothing wrong with that, I hear you cry, but the problem is Granny never thinks. She thinks nothing of buying fifty tins of beans, as an example, and never mind the fact that the “sell by date” is that weekend.

So she was recently out shopping in Home Bargain when she noticed that sanitary towels were on sale for half-price. Granny fills her shopping cart with them for my sister Pauline to gain the full benefit of this latest special offer she has discovered.

My youngest sister Pauline was fifty-one earlier this year and yes, if you are ahead of me, you will have guessed… she has now started the menopause – or the menopauline as Chimpton calls it.

I suppose we should thank the stars that she didn’t buy the towels for herself.

There is only one Granny!

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About the Author

Lord Davidd of Birko OBE DASc

A sad and lonely old man who used to have a life but it has now been taken over by his dedication to the cause of saving Renault Bears, running Jammy Toast and searching eBay, car boot sales, charity shops, lofts and even under beds for his beloved bears. He has even now taken in Flat Eric to save him from homelessness – his life is no longer his own!

35 Comments on “Our Granny #18”

  7. Reply

    Absolutely disgraceful experience at Chessington Resort today. Wasted so much time & money. Wish we had gone to Paultons Park instead. Will never go back and suggest you all avoid this heinous place!

  10. Reply

    Hey we have this to look forward to. Dad is forgetting most things now so it wont be long before these stories are about him! Only thing it wont be is buying things, granny does ALL the shopping for her two children. You know the ones that are 51 and nearly 60! :roflao:

    1. Reply

      Yes because I am too busy doing your shopping aren’t I Chimpton dear? :roflao:

      The only problem is if I get MHI’s at 57, NOT 60, who the fuck would do things for me? OMG imagine if I had to rely on a Chimpton!?!?!

      1. Reply

        You wouldn’t be a chunky monkey if you had to rely on me!! Granny feeds you and Menopauline like your 12. Angel delight every night!?!?

        You would be living on gruel if I looked after you :roflao:

  26. Reply

    Recorded during the European leg of our 1994 Division Bell tour, the PULSE album was released today in 1995, complete with red LED flashing on the spine of the CD.

  30. Reply

    My bf did the grocery shopping while I finished rebuilding the deck. My neighbor came over and asked why “he wasn’t there doing the man’s work”.

    Bitch, have you been grocery shopping? Those old ladies are ruthless.

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