The other day the local news was on the telly when they announced that the trains were up the wall because of that day’s lightning strikes. Straight away Granny pipes in with, “Oh isn’t that typical, as soon as the decent weather comes along and people want to go out on day-trips, the trains go on strike.”
I replied, “Granny they are not on strike, some the signals have been hit by lightning and it’s disrupted the service.”
“Do you think I am stupid, they just said that they were on strike, I heard it,” says Granny.
“No, they said LIGHTNING STRIKES.”
“No they never,” this is Granny’s usual reply to anything you say that contradicts her.
Ten minutes later the item came up on the local news and Tony Morris, the Granada Reports presenter, announced that trains had been cancelled and delayed that day because of a lightning strike on a signal box. Granny was last seen heading for the kitchen to perform some vital mission and refused to answer any questions about any British Rail industrial action.
The next day the sun was cracking the flags and Granny had the windows and doors wide open around the Jammy Toast Centre to let some cool air in. In no time at all we were inundated with flies. Granny shoots out to the shops to buy some fly repellent and returns with some patches that you stick to the window and it kills off the little blighters.
We had never had these patches before and so Granny is keeping a close watch on them to check that they perform as advertised. Ten minutes later Granny is screaming, “Oh typical, look at that fly he loves that patch, it is not even affecting him at all.” As a fly settles on the window right next to the patch.
“Granny, the fly is outside you nugget!” I reply.
We have mentioned before just how much Granny loves bulk purchasing. If she is in a shop and sees some special offer then she is like a rabbit caught in the beam of an oncoming car. Nothing wrong with that, I hear you cry, but the problem is Granny never thinks. She thinks nothing of buying fifty tins of beans, as an example, and never mind the fact that the “sell by date” is that weekend.
So she was recently out shopping in Home Bargain when she noticed that sanitary towels were on sale for half-price. Granny fills her shopping cart with them for my sister Pauline to gain the full benefit of this latest special offer she has discovered.
My youngest sister Pauline was fifty-one earlier this year and yes, if you are ahead of me, you will have guessed… she has now started the menopause – or the menopauline as Chimpton calls it.
I suppose we should thank the stars that she didn’t buy the towels for herself.
There is only one Granny!