Our Granny #24

Posted by Lord Davidd of Birko OBE DASc on
Category: Grannyisms31 Comments

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Granny’s days are pretty much regulated and everything runs to a strict order. She usually gets up, has her breakfast, gets a few jobs done and has to be finished in time for Jeremy Kyle, Good Morning, Loose Women and Judge Rinder – not to mention Tipping Point and The Chase. So the other morning she got up and had breakfast and finished off one or two jobs – time to watch Jeremy Kyle. Unfortunately Jeremy was nowhere to be seen – Good Morning Britain was still on. Granny was filled with dread as she feared something had happened somewhere in the world and Good Morning Britain was staying on air later than customary to cover the catastrophe.

Granny decided to go and get a few things from Iceland in case it was World War III and we needed to stock up. She got back half an hour later and Good Morning Britain was still on – she just couldn’t understand what was happening. She decided to watch for a while and see if they mentioned whatever cataclysmic event had shaken the world. The puzzling thing was they just seemed to be prattling on about the same old Good Morning Britain rubbish. Which toothpaste makes your teeth whiter and demonstrating to the watching hordes what a prick Piers Morgan is!

Jeremy Kyle is usually on at 9.25am but it was now nearly 10.20am and there was no sign of him and no one was explaining why. Then she noticed – She was only watching ITV+1 instead of ITV!

The other night I was chatting to Andreaa on the phone as she was telling me all about the latest events in her new job. Credit where it is due, she is doing an amazing job of turning round an old store and getting staff who don’t know what they are doing onto training courses and she has the full backing of her area-manager. So let me say it here, well done Shithead!

So anyway, she had been working on a late and we were chatting away about work and generally putting the world to rights. When we get on the phone we are quite often chatting for hours – I say “we”, I have to confess it’s not too often I get a word in edgeways when HMS Andreaa is under full sail. She had been chatting for a couple of hours when I realised I hadn’t heard her Mum. Now, if you think Andreaa is loud let me tell you her Mum – who is a salt of the earth type of person – is even LOUDER! Rumour has it that when residents of Speke were complaining about plans to increase night flights into the airport the council threatened them with, “It’s either allow more planes to land at night or Andreaa’s Mummy moves into the area.” It was a unanimous vote in favour of more planes!

Andreaa explained that her Mum wasn’t in and was staying the night at a friend’s house, hence the quiet. She then commenced to tell me how forgetful her Mum is getting lately and I saw my chance and jumped in to tell her about Granny’s amazing feats of memory. I explained that with it being cold lately Granny keeps putting the heating on Manual so it doesn’t turn off unless someone turns it off. Granny doesn’t tell anyone she has done this and then goes to bed and forgets to turn it off. In the early hours of the morning, I told Andreaa, you wake up thinking you are down in the catacombs of hell it is that hot here in the… I stopped in mid-sentence. It was nearly 1am and I was hot. No, I wasn’t hot – I was HOT!

I went to the thermostat to see what was occurring and there it was… on Manual again!

The next morning I told Granny she had put the heating on manual and had forgotten to turn it off. I bet you can all imagine what her reply was, knowing her as well as you all do by now. “Oh no I never!”

I shall finish this month’s tales of Granny with a quickie. I went into the Jammy Toast Bear Rescue Centre utility room the other day, just in time to see Granny absentmindedly trying to put dirty washing into the freezer instead of the washing machine.

She’s getting worse!

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About the Author

Lord Davidd of Birko OBE DASc

A sad and lonely old man who used to have a life but it has now been taken over by his dedication to the cause of saving Renault Bears, running Jammy Toast and searching eBay, car boot sales, charity shops, lofts and even under beds for his beloved bears. He has even now taken in Flat Eric to save him from homelessness – his life is no longer his own!

31 Comments on “Our Granny #24”

  1. *New programme alert dad*

    E4’s new programme The Sex Clinic had a 24 year old who was complaining his foreskin was getting stuck behind his helmet and it was impacting on his sex life. He was a barman who boasted that girls threw themselves at him and because he was so great in bed he never saw the need for condoms.

    He also complained that at times there was a bit of a smell down there. So the doctor gets his ‘Tiny’ dick (sorry, it was though) out and starts to roll back his foreskin. Immediately he complains its hurting, so she says maybe you roll it back so it won’t hurt as much. So he pushes it a little and says that’s all I can go, you could just about see the little head. She looks, Yes ahhhh I see the problem of why its getting stuck, smegma! The dirty little 24 year olds dick was full of cheese. When asked did he wash under his foreskin the reply was “No”, nobody ever told me to do that. So folks that’s years and years worth of cheese right there.

    I don’t feel sorry for him but for all those girls who may of sucked that little prick!! I may now vomitt :roflao:

  2. Omg Dad I never knew some girls/lads could be so thick.
    Q. So does your bum hole stretch like a fanny does?
    Q. If I don’t have a foreskin doesn’t it mean I can’t catch an STI?
    Q. I have these little lumps near my arsehole and sometimes I pop them and puss comes out, they hurt too.
    Q. I have these lump things near my fanny and they embarrass me.
    Q. I don’t need condoms god will protect me.
    WTAF!!!! These lot need to get the fuck off filtering there ugly mush and actually learn a few things. Filthy animals.

  3. When your 18 yo tries to give you parenting and money budgeting advice when he has no kids and spent his last wages on a pair of runners he decided he doesn’t really like anymore.

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