Our Granny #26

Posted by Lord Davidd of Birko OBE DASc on
Category: Grannyisms38 Comments

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So the other day I am having a nose around on Twitter to see what is happening in the world. I often find that you gain more relevant information from the social media site than you do from any news outlet. See how Chimpy Chimpton is getting on with her Morris Dancing and catch up on Lorah’s latest ban for using hate speech. It is all fascinating stuff and then I saw it. The best news of the day released by ITV to say that Anna Friel is soon to be seen back on our screens as Marcella. A third series is soon to be seen on ITV and this time Marchella is on a one woman mission. Best news of the day and I couldn’t wait to tell Granny because at the time it was shown she said it was the best drama she had ever seen.

Unfortunately I had to hold my water because Granny was out at her friend Terri’s putting the world to rights. What I wouldn’t give to be a fly on that wall, they are both as mad as hatters. I think I told you previously about the time Terri asked Granny to email her a picture so that Terri could see their Fat Club Group on their Christmas night out which she had missed. Once she got home Granny spent the day trying to contact Terri again because she had forgotten to ask for her email address only to find out later that she didn’t have one. Heaven knows how she thought Granny was going to email it to her!

So a while later I saw Granny and told her the brilliant news; Marchella was coming back for a third series anytime soon. Granny looked at me like I had just returned from a mission to Mars and said in unison with Menoline; “What is Marchella?” I explained it was the police series about the detective who had been off work with mental health problems after the death of her daughter but they brought her back to investigate a cold case she had worked on 11 years previously involving an unidentified serial killer who had never been caught and who was now active again.

No Granny couldn’t remember it.

I explained further that Marcella also had to deal with a hectic home life, where her husband had made the decision to leave her and, at first, send their two children to a boarding school; but later on he used Marcella’s mental disorder as a means to take full custody of the kids.

“No, definitely not. We never watched that,” says Granny.

“You must remember her, in almost every scene she would shout, ‘I am not well’,” I asked?

So it turns out that Granny and Menoline deny all knowledge of ever watching it and I have made the whole thing up!

I may not have mentioned Menoline before – at least not by that name anyway – so I had better explain who she is. She is actually my sister whose real name is Pauline but is currently going through the Menopause and so she has been re-christened – for the purposes of Jammy Toast – as Menoline. She thinks it’s great in the middle of winter to go around the house opening windows when it’s below freezing outside just because she is having a hot flush.

So here we go, Dear Toasters. I have a task for you all to perform. Think long and hard and let us know in the comments who is right? Am I going crazy and am imagining things or is Menoline getting as bad as Granny with her memory?

Maybe we should rename these posts, from now on, to Granny & Menoline. Just a thought.

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About the Author

Lord Davidd of Birko OBE DASc

A sad and lonely old man who used to have a life but it has now been taken over by his dedication to the cause of saving Renault Bears, running Jammy Toast and searching eBay, car boot sales, charity shops, lofts and even under beds for his beloved bears. He has even now taken in Flat Eric to save him from homelessness – his life is no longer his own!

38 Comments on “Our Granny #26”

  1. Just been to possibly the worst pub in the history of pubs . And I live in Birkenhead and have visited Romania . A beefeater restaurant up a dirt track . Freezing cold to the point of Antarctica. Shite ale , and a minty lounge only excessed by walking through a stinking baby changing room . The radiator was lukewarm. Same as the shite choice of beer.

    There was a water wheel though for fans of shite pubs and water wheels !

    1. I think you will find that most comments just don’t make sense to “some” people but are totally lucid to others. I think it depends on who you know, what you know and how wacky you are!

  2. i told yous all a while ago that when i lived in dublin, this old man professed his love for me by buying me a cabbage and plonking it on the bar where i worked. and i was hoping he was still alive. his name was mosey. found out tonight he’s dead. devastated isn’t the word x

  3. Dad, I think we both know that Granny, Menoline and Diane The OCD Queen (other sibling) are all crackers. Granny will argue until she is breathless as for Menoline, we all know she’s like the angry kid on steroids. It most definitely isn’t you!

    In other news no lil biatch screeches tonight and Rod is saving his voice for Maggie.

  4. Karen: What’s wrong now ffs?
    Me: Ah I’m just feeling a bit … what’s that word for missing the good old times?
    Karen: Nostalgic?
    Me: Yea (sobs) a fast food poster just reminded me of a really tasty burger I had last week and was too full to finish it (ugly crys).
    Karen: Ah ffs Kelly!

  5. I just want to say if I’ve ever been unnecessarily horrible to anyone on here and you still hold a grudge over it I am sorry and it wasn’t meant. Also. Grow up x

  6. 5yo: I’ve finished my cereal can I have dessert now?
    We don’t normally have dessert after breakfast. What are you thinking of?
    5yo: Crisps.
    Dessert crisps? Maybe later.
    5yo: I’m just nipping to the kitchen, don’t follow me.

  7. It has occurred to me that, as archaeological digs of old settlements are always several feet underground, the earth must be getting bigger like the universe is. You don’t hear about Brian ‘Know It All’ Cox talking about that do you?

    Mike Pope, via e-mail.

    1. But if the Earth was getting bigger (which it isn’t) then why would that not imply that everything gets bigger in proportion and so the old settlements would remain on the surface but just get bigger? Sometimes I worry that Viz isn’t a serious peer reviewed journal!

  8. Halfway between Pooh’s house and Piglet’s house was a Thoughtful Spot where they met sometimes when they had decided to go and see each other, and as it was warm and out of the wind they would sit down there for a little and wonder what they would do.

  9. Did you know that you can go and visit the original Bagpuss at The Beaney in Canterbury? Peter Firmin also generously loaned many of the original film props for a long-term display including Noggin the Nog and The Clangers!

    More info here…


  10. Seeing news that Facebook, Instagram, WhatsApp and Messenger were all down. I couldn’t help but wish they’d all stay down, the whole lot of them.

  11. BREXIT UPDATE: Minister David Lidington says the Tories and Labour are “testing out” each other’s Brexit ideas. The referendum was 1024 days ago so a good sign we’ve reached the testing phase so quickly…

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