Our Granny #39

Posted by The Bearkeeper on
Category: Grannyisms57 Comments

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Before we start pulling Granny apart this week, there are a couple of things I would like to state for the record. A couple of people – admittedly with the best of intensions – have asked me recently if I think it is fair us picking on Granny every month. She obviously has Alzheimer’s or dementia; we shouldn’t be picking on her the way we do. In reply to this, I would like to tell everyone that Granny’s column is written with the help of Granny – she knows all about it. How do you think we know half the facts concerning her little indiscretions? She tells us. Granny is in on the joke and thinks it is funny that Chimpton and I take the Michael. The second item I would like to put straight is that Granny does not have either Alzheimer’s or dementia. How do we know this? She has had a test at her GPs who have told her she just has short-term memory loss which is very common in the elderly. Obviously, Granny has forgotten ever taking the test and says we have made it up every time we mention it but… anyway, on with this month’s catastrophes…

I was working my way through my Twitter feed when I came across an American lady talking about cooking something in her Air Fryer. I had never heard of an Air Fryer so I immediately Googled it and discovered it is a fryer that uses very little oil and so produces quite healthy fried food. Granny attends Fat Club as a “target member”, so I thought she would be interested in this latest in a long list of gadgets that Granny likes to purchase. Please, nobody mention Dyson!

I told Granny about them and she told me that some of the girls in the Fat Club Facebook Group she is in had mentioned them. Next thing you know Granny has disappeared and is nowhere to be found. An hour later she returns home with a Tefal Air Fryer. I looked at the heavens and told her that I only mentioned them, I didn’t mean run out and buy one.

She opened the box and I got hold of the instruction book. I started reading through it and there is a long paragraph about making sure that parboiled potatoes are dried off thoroughly otherwise they will make soggy chips. I told Granny that I thought this sounded a big faff and that she would spend half the time drying potatoes off – maybe it wasn’t the marvellous item we originally thought.

I left Granny to read the instructions for herself, when a short time later I heard the front door close. She had agreed with me that it was a total nuisance having to dry the potatoes off and so she was returning the Air Fryer for a refund.

The next day Granny had been out and walked into the house with another Air Fryer she had purchased from Argos (again!). When I questioned her, she told me that a few of the girls from Fat Club had recommended this model and that they didn’t dry the potatoes at all and the Air Fryer didn’t make soggy chips.

I looked at the box – It was the same make (Tefal) and model she had purchased the day before. Granny told me that I was talking rubbish and that I didn’t know what I was talking about. I opened the box, withdrew the instruction book and pointed out the exact paragraph we had read about the soggy chips the day before.

Granny grabbed the instruction book from me, put it back in the box and returned the item for another refund. I think Granny is now banned from Argos!

As you have probably noticed, Granny likes to do things secretly. She never likes to tell anyone what she is doing, so they can help or advise her; she just likes to dive in head first. The other day I knew she was up to something but she wasn’t letting on and told me to mind my own business. Twenty minutes later the phone goes and Granny has got her telly on that loud that she can’t hear it. So, I answered the phone. A man on the phone asks to speak to Granny and I ask if I can tell her who is calling.

“Yes,” replies the man, “I am Duncan from Sunlife Insurance, Granny has been in touch asking for details about a Funeral Plan.”

“One moment, I shall just get her for you,” I replied.

I went into the other room and told Granny it was Sunlife Insurance on the phone for her about her new Funeral Plan. The cat was out of the bag and she was fuming; you should have seen the look on her face.

Granny also has her routines. For example, her bedtime routine involves preparing a flask of hot water to take to bed for her to sip during the night. Going to the bathroom for her ablutions and removing her teeth, placing them in soak in a plastic container and going to bed. Once in bed she removes her hearing aids and places them by the side of the bed.

The other night she got into bed and thought that something was wrong but she couldn’t quite put her finger on it. After some thought she noticed that she still had her teeth in. She had obviously forgotten to put them in soak.

Granny got up and went into the bathroom to sort her teeth out. She picked up her plastic container to prepare some Steradent Tablets for her teeth and there, in the plastic container were… her hearing aids!

Say goodnight Gracie Granny.

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About the Author

The Bearkeeper

A sad and lonely old man who used to have a life but it has now been taken over by his dedication to the cause of saving Renault Bears, running Jammy Toast and searching eBay, car boot sales, charity shops, lofts and even under beds for his beloved bears. He has even now taken in Flat Eric to save him from homelessness – his life is no longer his own!


57 Comments on “Our Granny #39”

  1. To be fair to Granny, putting her hearing aids in the teeth container is the sort of absent-minded thing everybody does as some point or other.

    Still funny though.

    1. Long before your time, it was George Burns who used to say it to Gracie Allen at the end of their show when Gracie did something stupid.

      Not like Granny at all!

  2. You’ve been minding Granny, I’ve been minding my mates little fella and he fell AGAIN! Every time I have him he falls. He then smashed an ornament thing, threw a twix down my toilet and bit his older brother.

  3. I dyed my blonde hair a variation of colours a few years ago (pink, green, lavender) and the pink stained and my hairdresser threatened to smash my face in with the shower head if I did it again. She’s the only woman who scares me, she holds too much power.

    1. She’s not annoying she is amusing mostly and is great for her age.

      The part that is annoying is she won’t ask anyone for advice about anything. If something goes wrong instead of asking someone for advice who knows what they are doing, she plays around with the offending item, makes it ten times worse and THEN asks for help. That is the only annoying part!

    2. Today she removed a 25watt bulb that had blown from the oven. She couldn’t get a 25watt bulb so she bought a 12watt bulb instead. When it exploded all she had to say was: “I didn’t think it would do that!”

      The list is endless!

  4. Just putting it out there cos ive never publicly said it but if i ever go missing i have 100% been kidnapped or trafficked. I know this is stupid as well but girls yous should also post something along these lines onto your social medias.

  5. I needed a bit of time out after rolling on the Nip. I told Barbara not to overdo it and he was very sensible. The Nip’s growing like crazy on my human’s plot. Pip took some home and her cats loved it too.

  6. Rolf report 1 July

    My American human (AH) used to be a journalist so my English human (EH) decided to turn the tables on him & interview him about why he has a close bond with me. EH thought that AH answered well. She’s just not sure about the way he’s wearing the baseball cap.

    Rolf x

  7. Up the lane was the apple orchard, whose trees, old and bent, made wonderful climbing. It was here I lost Roo. We had all spent the afternoon playing there; and on our return Roo was missing. We went back and searched and searched, but in vain.

  8. I was devastated when I had a birthday last week and now I’ve done an insurance quote and it’s a whole grand cheaper than what I’ve paid for the last 3 years. I’m so happy to be old!

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