Posted by The Bearkeeper on
Category: Literature/Books22 Comments

Back in 2011 we made John Cooper Clarke Jammy Toast’s official Poet Laureate mainly because I had been listening to his poetry since the punk era of the 1970s. Since those days of supporting bands like The Sex Pistols he has moved on to bigger and better things. His poetry is now studied as part of the GCSE syllabus and he is a regular on TV’s Eight Out Of Ten Cats Does Countdown where he joins Susie in Dictionary Corner. He is studied by many A level students and his poetry is prolific within UK and Irish University courses.

John was the subject of a BBC Four documentary, Evidently… John Cooper Clarke, in May 2012, screened as part of the BBC’s Punk Britannia season.

In July 2013, he was awarded an honorary doctorate of arts in “acknowledgement of a career which has spanned five decades, bringing poetry to non-traditional audiences and influencing musicians and comedians” by the University of Salford. Upon receipt, he commented: “Now I’m a doctor, finally my dream of opening a cosmetic surgery business can become a reality.”

We think it is about time we started featuring his poems again…


A homely girl named Ann,
couldn’t get a man.
Her mother told her darling don’t you cry
you’ll knock ‘em down like skittles with some…
farinaceous vittles.
You’ll always get a guy with a pie.

The salad’s in the bin,
I’ve never seen a gym,
but I’ll be there to watch those fuckers die.
Mincement or steak, it’s better than a cake…
You’ll always get a guy with a pie.

Even when they’re stale,
they taste OK with ale…
at the point where hunger pangs intensify.
Cold weather grub, available in the public house,
You’ll always get a pie-eyed guy with a pie.
You’ll always get a guy with a pie.

What else you gonna do with that leftover stew,
and those cuts of meat you can’t identify.
Ingredients of this sort just taste better under shortcrust.
You’ll always get a guy with a…
I spy with my little eye something beginning with…
Oh eye, you’ll always get a guy with a pie.

If you like the above you can visit John at his Internet Home and hear/read more of his poems and even see if you can catch one of his gigs.

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About the Author

The Bearkeeper

A sad and lonely old man who used to have a life but it has now been taken over by his dedication to the cause of saving Renault Bears, running Jammy Toast and searching eBay, car boot sales, charity shops, lofts and even under beds for his beloved bears. He has even now taken in Flat Eric to save him from homelessness – his life is no longer his own!

22 Comments on “Pies”

  1. My dad likes pies but I think they are on the naughty list. That’s if he’s actually following the advice and the feeder that is Granny hasn’t got 50 of those little steamed ones he loves. Or those pork pies he looks a little like. :roflao: xx

  2. I love Beasley Street which he wrote in the 1970s. If you change Keith Joseph to Ian Duncan Smith nothing has changed. Still as relevant today as it was back in the day.

  3. Dropped the 18yo’s girlfriend off in the car. Didn’t think there’d be any point changing out of my pjs right up to the point where I got a puncture. Anyway, I’m not changing a tyre in lounge wear in the rain so I’ve abandoned the car until the morning.

  4. I had four large bowls of home made vegetable soup last night . The result is that I will only be able to be at the computer in short bursts this morning. To be honest, everything this morning is likely to be in short bursts.

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