Pot Noodle’s Say #1

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Category: Pot Noodle's Say30 Comments

My name’s Dan but everyone calls me Pot Noodle cos that’s all I ever ate as a kid. For yonks now Andreaa has been writing stuff on here and like makin’ out that she’s better than us lads. She really thinks that sun-beds, make-up, nails and hairdos are the bees knees. Now Lora has joined her and the two of ’em are like The New Scouse Bird’s Liberation Front. So I am ere to give yas the news from the goin’ for a bevie, footie and sky sports perspective. Ta be honest, I’ve got nothin’ against Andreaa & Lora – they’re bessie mates wif me bird, so yerno – but am here ta put de record straight. Time I had my say!

Ya may not know this but I am goin’ to be decorating this week comin’. Let me tell ya, I never seen that one comin’. You know when ya sat there and ya bird turns round and says, “I know, lets decorate the spare room”. Ya can’t help but wonder just how their minds work though? I’m sittin’ there thinkin’ about gettin’ me hair wizzed and gettin’ a bevy and she’s sittin’ there thinkin’, “If he thinks he’s took a week off work just to fuckin’ relax, he can fuck rarr off!”

Birds these days watch too much Changing Rooms. Standing in the spare room with their hands on their hips going, “Hmmmmmmm”, before turnin’ to ya and goin, “What’d ya think?”. Well give us a clue girl, you’ve stood there for twenty minutes goin’, “Hmmmmmmm” for fuck sake! What do I think of what? Ten minutes ago I was watching Sky Sports News and now am takin’ on some decoratin’ project. Fuck me!

So off we go ta B&Q walking round lookin’ at paint colours like “lemon sorbet” and “toffee sunrise” or whatever shite. Fucking joke, tellin’ ya. You know what does my head in? When ya suggest suttn to ya bird coz you wanna seem arsed and she dismisses it like your a fucking tit. Why are lads ideas shit, but birds ideas are fuckin’ boss? I think they’re scared to choose anything a lad suggests in case their mates come round and really like it. They’d hate that coz they couldn’t take any credit. It’s better to swerve his ideas in case they’re fucking boss and you have to give him the satisfaction.

“Ey Girl, what about this Jarg Jade colour?”

“NO! Are ya messn? Its fucking horrible!”

Then she goes “Ey, this one’s nice isnt it, ‘Toasted Marshmellow’.”

If I’d ov suggested “Toasted Marshmellow” I’d ov been a gobshite. Fuck off! It looks like Magnolia to me anyway but fuck it, what do I know?

The best thing you can do is go along with the “You don’t know what your on about” plan that your bird has set aside for ya. Its easier that way. After all, She’s decorated loads of times (or she watched her ald fella) so you’d best leave it to your little prinny expert.

Couple of quick notes fellas, make sure your bird is absolutely sure about the colour she picks and make sure shes present before you start painting any fucking walls with her Toasted Marshmellow shite. You don’t wanna get all the way round the room with it for her to go “Eeeeeeee, its fuckin’ horrible.” Yeh love I can’t understand it, it looked lovely on that 10cm tester in the shop. Who’d of thought a huge wall covered in that colour would look like a stale wedding cake when it dried?

I’ll let yas know how it goes in a week or two.

Cya lad!

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About the Author

Pot Noodle

Name's Dan but everyone calls me Pot Noodle cos that's all I ate as a kid. I've been listen'n ta birds on ere harpin on about men bein 'arabian night' so ave come to put de uvver side o' de arguement. Andreaa & Lora are always puttin men down and makin out like dee are better dan us. Really dee just different, they love their makeup, nails and hair & we love a bevie, de footie and sky sports. Ta be fair, I don't hate Andreaa or Lora - they're bessie mates wif me judy so yerno - but am here ta put de record straight!

30 Comments on “Pot Noodle’s Say #1”

  1. why is that jacob rees-meff monocle nonce is everywhere though, he’s a backbencher isn’t he? people acting like he’s dead significant, when he’s just a haunted pencil looking toff. wonder how many foxes he’s molested and violated?

  2. the dogs fighting with the cat again. pair of utter dickheads. at it all day every day. the dog’s just put herself in her crate and the little cow has followed her to have a staring competition. she defo secretly loves it the cow.

  3. My new job feels like when you’ve been in multiple abusive relationships and finally meet someone who treats you with respect and cares about your well-being.

  4. Knobhead is currently locked in the hoover cupboard under our stairs . Refusing to come out ! He attacked the dyson this morning. Followed it into the cupboard for extra mayhem. And won’t come out . Just snarling at a vacuum cleaner. My leader has gone the shops . He’s still in there !

  5. If at first you don’t succeed… maybe accept your plan has fundamental flaws and that forcing it through because you’ve run down the clock isn’t a great look. Or, you know, try again.

  6. the gammon love fantasising about a civil war on the streets don’t they. they really see themselves as the knights templar bouncing around the streets. absolutely laughable!

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