Ya may not know this but I am goin’ to be decorating this week comin’. Let me tell ya, I never seen that one comin’. You know when ya sat there and ya bird turns round and says, “I know, lets decorate the spare room”. Ya can’t help but wonder just how their minds work though? I’m sittin’ there thinkin’ about gettin’ me hair wizzed and gettin’ a bevy and she’s sittin’ there thinkin’, “If he thinks he’s took a week off work just to fuckin’ relax, he can fuck rarr off!”
Birds these days watch too much Changing Rooms. Standing in the spare room with their hands on their hips going, “Hmmmmmmm”, before turnin’ to ya and goin, “What’d ya think?”. Well give us a clue girl, you’ve stood there for twenty minutes goin’, “Hmmmmmmm” for fuck sake! What do I think of what? Ten minutes ago I was watching Sky Sports News and now am takin’ on some decoratin’ project. Fuck me!
So off we go ta B&Q walking round lookin’ at paint colours like “lemon sorbet” and “toffee sunrise” or whatever shite. Fucking joke, tellin’ ya. You know what does my head in? When ya suggest suttn to ya bird coz you wanna seem arsed and she dismisses it like your a fucking tit. Why are lads ideas shit, but birds ideas are fuckin’ boss? I think they’re scared to choose anything a lad suggests in case their mates come round and really like it. They’d hate that coz they couldn’t take any credit. It’s better to swerve his ideas in case they’re fucking boss and you have to give him the satisfaction.
“Ey Girl, what about this Jarg Jade colour?”
“NO! Are ya messn? Its fucking horrible!”
Then she goes “Ey, this one’s nice isnt it, ‘Toasted Marshmellow’.”
If I’d ov suggested “Toasted Marshmellow” I’d ov been a gobshite. Fuck off! It looks like Magnolia to me anyway but fuck it, what do I know?
The best thing you can do is go along with the “You don’t know what your on about” plan that your bird has set aside for ya. Its easier that way. After all, She’s decorated loads of times (or she watched her ald fella) so you’d best leave it to your little prinny expert.
Couple of quick notes fellas, make sure your bird is absolutely sure about the colour she picks and make sure shes present before you start painting any fucking walls with her Toasted Marshmellow shite. You don’t wanna get all the way round the room with it for her to go “Eeeeeeee, its fuckin’ horrible.” Yeh love I can’t understand it, it looked lovely on that 10cm tester in the shop. Who’d of thought a huge wall covered in that colour would look like a stale wedding cake when it dried?
I’ll let yas know how it goes in a week or two.