Pot Noodle’s Say #10

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Ihave done loadz of these now and ya should be getting the hang ov dealin with berds so this is me last blog thing. I’ll give ya some last tips before I go though. First off remember, relationships are fuckn sly on lads. Berds are just better at “romance” than lads are, it’s a facts. From a very young age, scouse lads are programmed not to be a fuckn berd, you must ov herd dads tellin their little lads to “stop crying”, “get up” an “hit him back”. See emotions, crying, umbrellas, “chats” and prams, are for girls. Running, fighting, shouting and suppressing ur emotions are for boys. then like a birthday or anniversary comes along and ur supposed to know what flowers your berd likes, what her favourite chocolates are, plan a romantic night and generally “sweep her off her feet”. So what i’ve done here is make a list. A list of things lads should and shouldn’t do… I’m like the doctor arn i?

First things first, its all abah the planning so don’t leave fings until the last minute. Calm down. On days like valentines the shops would av you believe its tomorrow with all their chocolates and candles in the shape of love hearts an all tha. Kinnell mate its only just gone Christmas when de start all that shit.

Get involved. Buy a card early for occasions an then stash it somewhere. Not in your undies draw tho, she’ll find it there when she’s checking you havent stashed some berds phone number in there. Every berd thinks ur cheating coz they’ve watch Jeremy Kyle and assume ur fingering the berd out the chippy, coz you went there the other week and said “yes” when she asked if you want salt and vinegar. So if ur berds a bit of a meff, stash it behind the hoover.

When writing the card out, write it out neat an tha. like your writing 2pac lyrics on your bedroom wall. Keep it simple, your not 12 so don’t be writing no daft poems in your card like…

Roses are red,
violets are blue,
I hate poems,
show us ur miff

Hahahahaha. See. You sound like a nobend.

Avoid them “me to you” cards and teddy bears, they’re for kids them lad. So, if shes asked for some of that shite you might want to ask to see her birth certificate there… kinnell.

Dont ask your berd what she wants to do. she’ll play it down, and say shit like “i’m not arsed yuno”. What!? She’s deffo arsed! You best do the exact opposite of what she said she wanted to do. What shes basically doin is giving you enough rope to hang yourself. If you turn up wid a card an a twilight DVD. Its all over.

Avoid shite “prezzies” on special occasions. You know what i’m talking about. honest, no girl has ever been made up you’ve put ice cubes in her vodka in the shape of a cock or them daft bills tha say “sex machine” or suttn on the front. No mate, just no. This is supposed to be a romantic occasion, not a “carry on film” ffs.

If ur having a romantic meal in the house, thats sound. Dont be russling up some shite that you’d normally av any night of the year. If you cant cook, calm down. Fly down to Marks & Spencers and get suttn boss. Something tha sounds posh n tha.

Get a starter… like prawns or some mad soup or suttn (when i say mad, i mean like Stilton or carrot or coriander not heinz chicken soup).

Remember, your berd will know if you’ve tried to cook suttn boss, pasta or rice is dead easy, and they’ll know that! You might as well bounce a bowl of sugar puffs off her swede. Try to be serious, ano you feel like a twat but she’s supposed to be gettin your best moves here, so swerve writing “WANK” in alphabites next to some burnt fish fingers.

Desert could make or break the whole night. Again, think about gettn suttn fancy. Think, chocolate coated strawberries n tha, not a muller fruit corner. You’ll probably get it over your head. Champagne. Nothing else. If you think your berd will be into a few bottles blue wkd or a big bottle of white lighning your a fuckn gobshite.

If you’ve told her your taking her out, you’d best book a table rarr now, otherwise its gonna be a few drinks in the Blob Shop and a fishcake out the lobster pot. If all goes well she’ll be well made up with you. So dont fuck it up by jumping the gun, lashing a Viagra in your gob and asking for a chew at abah half 7. Fuckin hell lad let her finish her alphabites.

Be careful though. If you’ve only been with her for abah 4 weeks and shes celebratin ya one month anniversary with a fuckn city break to Paris for 5 days shes a major fuckin crank and you might want to fuck her off. Another thing that i’ve noticed is how one sided this shit is gettn. Every year its getting more and more like “lads, get your berd a card, and spend some doe on her so she’ll consider sucking your cock” day. Obviously, lads are realising this and so, are trying to get this “steak and blowjob” day off the ground. Thing is, steak and blowjob day is flawed before its even got started simply because the berd has still got to agree to it obviously.

Can you imagine a scouser telling his berd “you’ve got to make me a steak and suck my cock today”.

“oh is it babes, ok eyah then”.

…no, I cant see it either.

You might even be one of these lads that have blagged their berds into “fucking all this valentines day bollocks off”. Lad, you might score points with the lads with skills like tha, but are your mates gonna suck your cock for you? No, they’re not are they? So, next time your standing in the pub, acting like Billy Big Balls talking shit and saying stuff like “yeh, i just told her she can fuck off!!!”, think about it.

Here’s what am saying:

  • Don’t be a tit, and try and be romantic an tha.
  • Plan stuff so its not shit.
  • Swerve any tacky shite like cock shaped ice cubes.
  • Don’t be tryna bang her too early, she’s gonna want to drag it out a bit and daydream (if only for a few hours) that ur not a complete fucking disaster.
  • Don’t get her fuckin bladdered! If she cant remember it, it doesn’t count.

Good luck lads and remember, if it goes tits up, there’s always the Grafton… oh wait.

Its bin a blast!

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About the Author

Pot Noodle

Name's Dan but everyone calls me Pot Noodle cos that's all I ate as a kid. I've been listen'n ta birds on ere harpin on about men bein 'arabian night' so ave come to put de uvver side o' de arguement. Andreaa & Lora are always puttin men down and makin out like dee are better dan us. Really dee just different, they love their makeup, nails and hair & we love a bevie, de footie and sky sports. Ta be fair, I don't hate Andreaa or Lora - they're bessie mates wif me judy so yerno - but am here ta put de record straight!


52 Comments on “Pot Noodle’s Say #10”

  1. A boy in my neice’s class called her “fat” and she says, “I didn’t cry, I didn’t yell, I didn’t hit him. I got back at him in the best way ever… I told his mum.”

    He’s screwed.

  2. “Kids don’t want to do a real job anymore. They’re only interested in fame.”

    Aye, well if anyone knows what kids want it’s Kevin Webster off Corrie!

  3. What do people who don’t talk to themselves do?? Like I can’t imagine having a shower, doing my makeup or even just getting through the day without talking to myself. They do say you are all you’ve got so u might aswell have ur own back!

  4. Today my dog was constipated so I was overly dramatic about it and while I was round at pets at home making her an emergency £33 appointment and trying to purchase laxatives, she had curled one out on my new carpet while I was gone!

  5. My weather app (for which I paid five dollars) sends me a notification the minute it starts to rain here. It‘s the most pointless notification but I get so much joy from then looking out my window saying, “Wow, it IS raining now!”

  6. Rolf report Sept 10

    My family were out of town yesterday so I had to stay in. They got back at 10.30pm & took me for a late night leash walk. I spent hours in my cat tree, longingly watching all the creatures in the garden. I’m back on campus with Claudia this morning.

    Rolf x

  7. Rabbit jumped into a hollow and Pooh and Piglet jumped after him. They crouched in the bracken, listening. The Forest was very silent when you stopped and listened to it. They could see nothing and hear nothing. “H’sh!” said Rabbit. “I am,” said Pooh.

  8. In December 2017. The humans had a Christmas party and Jenny from Cats Protection sold jam made from fruit grown on the allotments. I thought it was lovely that her collection box cat looked a lot like me.

  9. I have a damaged tracking loop capacitor. DSN antenna DSS-43 at Canberra DSN is currently doing a 325 minute XMIT ramp-through to find the Best Lock Frequency to listen on in order to correct for my damaged.

  10. What have I missed on here? ‘Bullying’ ‘pack mentality’? I wish people could not take it so seriously on here, I used to want to know where someone lived when they’d drag me, wanted an actual fight, couldn’t fathom having someone call you shit an get away with it. I soon learned it’s just shit houses who feel brave behind their screens and wouldn’t say fuckall on the streets, so now I just attack back and forget they exist an hour later. I was just focusing on my roastie career and didn’t see anything, only care about me roasties. Stay safe!

  11. Just casually told one of the school mums who has 6 kids, that I’m having another c section with this one, so I won’t have a fanny like a punched lasagne. An THAT is why none of the school mums talk to me

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