The weather girls always go mad don’t they when they’re telln you the weather the night before don’t they. Even going as far as to suggest what you should do with your time. “Another glorious summer’s day tomorrow, so dig out those summer dresses and hit the beach.” Most girls in Liverpool are thinking, “Actually girl, I’ll just lash me fellas footy shorts on and ‘hit’ the back garden till the icey man comes round so I can get 10 biftas an a funny foot.”
Funny when you phone your bird from work or whatever, and you know they’ve been sunbathing, who wouldn’t be? But they can’t tell you that, coz that’s admitting they’ve done fuck all, all day. And that’s what the fella normally does! So when you ask, “whav you been up to?” they have to read out this big list of stuff they’ve been doing like “the washing” or some shit that they make sound like a big job. Let’s just clear this up girls, when you say you’re doing all the washing, you’re actually just putting clothes in a machine and fucking off for an hour.
Am onto yooz!
You could tell me you’d been, “boiling the drapes” and think it sounds like something that gets done in a house – it’s not right? So girls, if you’re sunbathing, sunbathe, and stop justifying it by saying you’ve done loads of jobs you cranks, coz you avn’t!
Lads are shit in the summer aren’t they? They look like they’ve bought their legs the week before and are trying to grow into them. Especially gym heads. Kinnell, it’s no good lifting all those weights and jibbing your legs is it? You’re gonna end up looking daft when you’ve got to put shorts on in the summer aren’t yuz? Skinny, moontanned legs that a smackhead would be proud ov. And every lad is guilty. Spend all winter in trackies and tha, summer comes out and they end up bouncing down the shops, shorts on like some horror film “Night of The Living Dead Scouse Lads Zombie Legs” or suttn. shit all that.
The fuckn birds are cases an all! My bird said to me, like am supposed to know or suttn, “Is it gonna be hot all day today or should I wear a coat?” Kinnell, ow am I supposed to know you crank.
And while I’m here, Girls, if you’re not going the gym… stop wearing all that gym shit! We know you’re not going the gym, you know you’re not going the gym, so why the lies? We’ve seen you all year dropping the kids off at school in your jarmies, and now the summers out, the jarmies are off and you want me to believe you’re a mad gym head. Koff!
Here’s my theory, girls that wear all that think that they’re overweight but want people to think “well fair enough, least shes avin a go and going the gym an that.” But shes not, soon as the sun fucks off, she’ll be back in her jarmies and will have lost no weight. Fuckn weirdos!
The sun also brings out the “shopping bug” in Liverpool doesn’t it? Girls on Facebook going “hmm new summer wardrobe I think”. Sound, there’s another £60 Primark will be glad ov.
I love how everyone justifies the stuff they buy from Primark. For example, has any Scouser ever bought something they actually wanted to wear on a night out or suttn? No! Instead, they justify it by telling whoever they’re with, “Oh they’re only for my holidays, I’ll throw them away when I get home” or, “It’s only for in the house, or when am decorating or suttn.”
No you won’t! You’re just saying tha so we don’t think you’re actually happy that you’re buying clothes out of Primark. Why be arsed? No one else is are they? Have you ever seen Primark in Liverpool empty? Or people getting egged outside for buying cheap clobber? No, I haven’t either! So if you’re buying clobber out of Primark, stop telling everyone it’s “Not what it looks like, they’re only for my holidays!”
Summer is also the Barbecue season. You know that thing that every fuckn lad is an expert at? All ov a sudden were all experts on what we need to do the perfect barbecue. Saying shit like, “Oh no, you don’t want charcoal, get briquettes, they hold the heat in longer.” Or, “You’ve got to cook it till the juices run clear.”
What are you saying lad? You can’t even make decent toast you soft twat? Who taught you about juices running clear and briquettes you fuckn quilt? You’re only burning two burgers and a couple of sausages. It’s hardly a roast dinner is it? And then, when he’s slaved over them burgers he spends the rest ov the afternoon going, “Did you taste my burgers before? Decent weren’t thee?” Fuckn made up with himself. Till the following morning when everyone’s texting him coz their arses have fell off!
That’s the thing with a barbecue isn’t it? It’s a waiting game. The slowest game ov Russian roulette ever. You won’t know if the food was cooked right until your lashing it back down the bog 7 hours later. Actually, barbecues are shit aren’t thee? Fuck it, am going to Ronnie Mc’s next time.
So, enjoy the sun, it’s raining as I write this, shit init.
Don’t moan about the heat if you’re a man head with a hoody on.
Girl, if you want to sunbathe, then sunbathe! You haven’t got to earn it by blagging you’ve done the ironing.
Lads, legs. No. Get the shop with them bastards.
Stop wearing gym shit girls, unless you’re going the gym.
If you’re going to Primark stop tryna make out like you don’t actually want the clothes you’ve just bought you fuckn divvy.
Lad, put the lighter fluid down you fuckn divvy. You can’t boil a fuckn egg, nevermind do a fuckn decent barbecue. Go and get your head down.