The Life Of Paul #4

Posted by Paul on
Category: Paul's Life51 Comments

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Iknow Andreaa is going to hate this but I love playing on my PlayStation – the Xbox is shit. I play Grand Theft Auto (GTA) with a load of me mates. If you don’t know GTA, the game takes place in a fictional version of Los Angeles. We’ve got our own motorcycle crew, we’re not knobheads or nothing. In the game you have to steal cocaine and smash places up and that. We fight other biker gangs and criminal organisations and that too. One night I fancied a game and none of me mates were online to play. The game is easier if there is a load of you playing together rather than being a solo bandit kinda thing. I wanted to complete some missions so I could get some money and but some new cars and that. I’ve got bills to pay you know, and the lads need their wages paying like. It’s taken over my life, I’ve got a payroll to pay because I’ve got four employees who work on the cars and bikes and that, not to mention we’ve all got kids to feed. So I was looking for someone to play with and I looked down the list and there is one guy called “Scouse Andy”.

GTA is massive, you have a recreation of the whole of Los Angeles and above it you have all the desert. I invited Scouse Andy to join me. Andy comes and picks me up from my apartment in his car and that because he’s sound. So I went out and got in his car and said, “Are you alright, mate?”

He was like, “Yea sound, are you alright?”

He asked me where I was from and I told him Dovecot and asked him where he was from and he said Kirkby. I didn’t like to say that wasn’t Liverpool because they get a bit touchy about that in Kirkby. After all I was in his car and that so I didn’t want to be rude.

So the mission was we had to drive out into the desert and rob some cocaine from a rival motorcycle gang. The game happens in real-time and this is about a fifteen minute drive out into the desert. I don’t know if any of you have ever been in a taxi and you start talking to the driver and find that you have absolutely nothing in common and the conversation just becomes awkward and dies. That’s what it was like, except it was a virtual car journey. I’d asked him where he was from and he had asked me where I was from and that was it – we had no banter left.

For the rest of the journey, I am just sitting there in first person mode looking out of the window and that. Eventually I asked him what he did and he said he worked as a spark. Sound, yea. Silence… Then he asked me what I do and I thought oh here we go. So I told him I was the compère at a comedy club in Liverpool. So he didn’t believe me at first and was saying, “Fuck off, you’re not.”

I was trying to reassure him that I was and he suddenly told me that he got kicked out of the comedy club where I work the previous week. I was like, “Get away,” and he replied, “Yea, the comedian was shite!” I couldn’t believe it and he continued saying, “Yea, this big, fat ginger prick thinks he’s Billy Big Bollocks! All he does is stand on stage taking the piss out of people and I thought, you’re not getting away with that on me!”

He told me that when I got round to him, I had asked him what he did and he had replied that he makes t-shirts with my name on and the audience got a real buzz off it and the doorman threw him out for being funnier than me.

Let me tell you, THAT NEVER HAPPENED!

I told him that was me but he wouldn’t have it, kept saying it wasn’t me.

I am now taking part in this GTA virtual car journey with this knobhead and I’ve pulled me Uzi machine gun and I’ve got it pointing at his head. We had a heated argument about it and he got confused and went the wrong way and we ended up on top of a mountain out in the desert.

He only kicks me out of his car, leaving me in the desert and it’s a fucking two hour walk back to mine.

Fuck that, so I threw a sticky bomb in his car and blew him up!

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About the Author

Paul

I live in Dovecot in Liverpool. It is a bit rough but it's one of those places where if you walk through it you realise just how bad it is. On the other hand, if you live there you kind of get used to it and it's not that bad a place. I've always lived there, so has the wife and all our families, mums, dads, uncles, aunties, cousins all live within a couple of minutes of each other. What you might call a "close-knit community."


51 Comments on “The Life Of Paul #4”

  1. BREAKING: The Premier League says it will support a trophy presentation for Liverpool if they are crowned champions and it is safe to do so.

  2. Cheery letter from my business bank. You didn’t deposit any money in for three weeks and slipped into your overdraft. We are concerned and hope it won’t happen gain.

    Don’t you watch the news in Shang Hai? Dickheads

  3. Heard that when you get the Covid-19 vaccination in September they put a chip inside you that connects to 5G so that Bill Gates can monitor all your movements and it makes you piss smell like cbd oil.

  4. Lots of cats do this ‘kneading’ thing don’t they? I’ve just done it on a blanket here, but my very favourite place to do it is on my human’s lap. I’m not really sure if she appreciates it or not, but I think she’ll get used to it in time.

  5. The cuckoo is the bird of present joys. He is always about when one is doing pleasant things. When the sun hides behind clouds, he sings softly to himself. Then ‘cuckoo!’ he says, and you may be sure that everything is warm and bright again.

  6. Rolf’s lockdown diary 19 May

    There are many incorrect ideas about black cats: 1) they don’t photograph well; 2) they can’t be photographed against a dark background. My human bought some new black sheets & they provide a striking contrast to the magnificence of my coat.

    Rolf x

  7. A lovely 71st birthday made even better by all the wonderful messages that I received. It has inspired me to go back on my diet. I played half an hour of tennis too, (1st time for decades). I was knackered after but had a huge smile on my face caused either by happiness or wind.

  8. I’ve woken up in the worst mood imaginable I’ve cried twice booted the table and told the dog to go fuck himself… which he quite enjoys doing but still. Also I’d like to add I poured milk on my cereal ate a big spoon like the fat pig I am and the milk was off. Fuck you Tuesday x

  9. I don’t think Footballers realise how important football is to some of us.

    If I’m honest, they could be classed as Key Workers because having something to look forward to like football, helps people’s mental health.

  10. It was rather an unusual shop because it didn’t sell anything. You see, everything in that shop window was a thing that somebody had once lost and Emily had found.

    Then she brought it home to me…

  11. Just want to feel inner peace like I did listening to Enya in the back of my mum’s 3 door car, after a stressful afternoon with the school nit nurse back in the day.

  12. If you Do Not want people to say you are Completely Fucking Mental for taking Hydroxychloroquine for no apparent reason, Do not take Hydroxychloroquine for no Apparent reason.

    Hydroxychloroquine advice there.

  13. My mate must ask if she can visit me like every fucking day an get told no every fucking day, why aren’t people taking this seriously a 8 month old baby has just fucking died!!

  14. Today I’m supervising a group of little people in the school wildlife area. They like to play hide & seek but no matter how hard I try to hide in the long grass they always spot me! I guess camouflage isn’t one of my strong points.

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