GTA is massive, you have a recreation of the whole of Los Angeles and above it you have all the desert. I invited Scouse Andy to join me. Andy comes and picks me up from my apartment in his car and that because he’s sound. So I went out and got in his car and said, “Are you alright, mate?”
He was like, “Yea sound, are you alright?”
He asked me where I was from and I told him Dovecot and asked him where he was from and he said Kirkby. I didn’t like to say that wasn’t Liverpool because they get a bit touchy about that in Kirkby. After all I was in his car and that so I didn’t want to be rude.
So the mission was we had to drive out into the desert and rob some cocaine from a rival motorcycle gang. The game happens in real-time and this is about a fifteen minute drive out into the desert. I don’t know if any of you have ever been in a taxi and you start talking to the driver and find that you have absolutely nothing in common and the conversation just becomes awkward and dies. That’s what it was like, except it was a virtual car journey. I’d asked him where he was from and he had asked me where I was from and that was it – we had no banter left.
For the rest of the journey, I am just sitting there in first person mode looking out of the window and that. Eventually I asked him what he did and he said he worked as a spark. Sound, yea. Silence… Then he asked me what I do and I thought oh here we go. So I told him I was the compère at a comedy club in Liverpool. So he didn’t believe me at first and was saying, “Fuck off, you’re not.”
I was trying to reassure him that I was and he suddenly told me that he got kicked out of the comedy club where I work the previous week. I was like, “Get away,” and he replied, “Yea, the comedian was shite!” I couldn’t believe it and he continued saying, “Yea, this big, fat ginger prick thinks he’s Billy Big Bollocks! All he does is stand on stage taking the piss out of people and I thought, you’re not getting away with that on me!”
He told me that when I got round to him, I had asked him what he did and he had replied that he makes t-shirts with my name on and the audience got a real buzz off it and the doorman threw him out for being funnier than me.
Let me tell you, THAT NEVER HAPPENED!
I told him that was me but he wouldn’t have it, kept saying it wasn’t me.
I am now taking part in this GTA virtual car journey with this knobhead and I’ve pulled me Uzi machine gun and I’ve got it pointing at his head. We had a heated argument about it and he got confused and went the wrong way and we ended up on top of a mountain out in the desert.
He only kicks me out of his car, leaving me in the desert and it’s a fucking two hour walk back to mine.
Fuck that, so I threw a sticky bomb in his car and blew him up!