The Rest Of The Nutters

Posted by Andreaa Kurby on
Category: Nutters58 Comments

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Jacko pictured with his sponsored guitar.

ITold Yas The Story Of Purple Aki The Other Day && Before I Went On Holiday I Told Yas All About Pete The Pigeon && The Williamson Square Smasher.. Today I Thought I Would Tell Yas All About The Other Nutters.. Or At Least Some Of The Others We Hve Got In Liverpool.. If I Ever Ask Anyone Wot Is Their Favourite Story Wot I Hve Wrote They Always Say The Nutters.. Everyone Pure Loves A Nutter, So Ages Ago I Told Me Dad That Everyone Loved His Nutter Stories && He Was Gettin All Famous On Himself.. It Was Me Dad Who First Told Me About Them Ya See && He Was Made Up That Yas All Lyked Them.. He Was Gettin All Big Headed && I Had To Tell Him To Calm Down It Was Just Stories On A Blog It Wasnt Britains Got Talent Or Nothin..

There Are Loads Of Liverpool Nutters Bt Most Of Them Are Not Nasty Lyk Purple Aki, They Are Just Funny.. I Think They Mostly Just Look For Attention If Ya Ask Me.. The First Time I Asked Me Dad About Them He Only Told Me About A Few Cos He Was In A Mood.. He Had Just Got Broadband Put In (Shows Ya How Long Ago It Was) Bt The Dog Bit Throw The Wire Thingy So He Had To Get BT To Get It Sorted.. Plus When I Asked Him About The Nutters He Said “Oh Fukk Off Andreaa, Am Pure Watchin The Footie”.. Hes An Arsehole So I Said I Was Goin So He Told Me Some Stories At Half Time..

First Of All There Was Jaffa The Kaffa.. He Was A Black Lad With Big Orange Hair && He Was Always Runnin Round Liverpool.. He Looked Lyk Someone Had Stuck A Jaffa Orange On His Head.. He Still Hangs Around The Strand Shoppin Centre Bt Once He Went To The Liverpool Match && All The Other Teams Supporters Was Pure Singin “Whos The Scouser Wiff Da Hair”..

Billy Beephorn Lived In Old Swann By Tesco && His Thing Was He Stands In The Middle Of The Road Puttin His Thumbs Up At Drivers Until They Beep Their Horn At Him.. It Makes His Day Lyk.. No One Has Seen Him For Ages So There Is A Rumour Goin Round That He Got Run Over By A Bus Bt I Dont Know About That..

Then There Is Cardboard Guitar Man Who Goes Buskin In Matthew Street With A Cardboard Guitar.. Some People Call Him Plinki Plink Cos He Pure Sits There Goin “Plinki Plink Plink Plink Plinki Plink”.. I Think His Name Is Jacko.. Some People Reckon That Cos He Has Got A Big White Beard That Hes Santa && That Is What He Does The Rest Of The Year When Hes Not Bringin Ya Presents.. He Even Got That Famous Sittin In Williamson Square With His Guitar That Sign-A-Rama Sponsored Him && Give Him A Big Posh Plastic Guitar With Their Logo On It Lyk.. Davidd Reckons That Jacko Got Sick && Moved Into A Nursin Home To Be Looked After && Then He Died.. No One Even Knew He Had A Family Bt When He Died They Traced His Family In Ireland && He Was Buried Over There With His Posh Guitar Cos He Was That Made Up With It.. His Son Even Wrote An Email To Say Thanks To All The People Of Liverpool For Takin Jacko To Their Hearts && Lookin Out For Him..

Next Time I Went To Me Dads I Was Askin Him For More Stories Bt He Said He Had Told Me All The Best Ones && The Only Others He Knows About Are The Ones Who Drink In The Pub Where He Goes For A Pint.. The Pub Is Called The Post Office Cos The Buildin Used To Be A Real Post Office Years Ago.. Me Dad Said The Place Is Full Too Chokka With Nutters..

First Of All There Is Brian The Barman, So Am Guessin He Is The Barman Lyk.. They Call Him No Bull Brian Cos When He Tells Ya Stuff He Always Says, “Honest, No Bull!!” He Has A Sayin Of The Day && Calls It His Words Of Wisdom.. Last Time Me Dad Was There It Was, “If It Takes Two To Tango, How Many Does It Take To Foxtrot??”

Next Is Dave The Rave.. He Is The Best Customer In The Place Cos He Is Always Pissed.. When Dave Wants To Go For A Bevvy He Pure Tells His Wife Hes Goin To Buy A Stamp && Goes To The Post Office.. They All Joke Its Lyk A Post Office && Pub All In One, The One Stop Shop.. Daves Wife Pure Thinks He Writes About 300 Letters A Month Cos Hes Always Poppin Out To Buy A Stamp.. Liverpool Is The Only Place Where Ya Can Get Ya Giro Cashed && Get Pissed In The Same Trip.. Me Dad Reckons That Dave The Rave Has Pure Been Barred Out Cos He Drinks In Ma Egertons Now && Brian The Barman Has Been Sacked.. If You Go In The Post Office Lookin For Brian Now They All Shout Out, “Brian Has Left The Building,” Cos He Pure Loves Elvis && Has Big Sidies..

There Is A Man With Massive Big Ears Who Goes On Kareokee Night.. He Always Sings Old Frank Sinatra Songs && Hes About 90 Years Old, So They All Call Him New Kid On The Block.. Me Dad Thinks His Real Name Is Albert && Loads Of People Take The Piss Out Of Him Bt Me Dad Reckons Hes A Real Good Singer..

I Told Me Dad That Davidd Had Found Out That Jacko The Cardboard Guitarman Had Died In A Nursin Home.. Me Dad Was Gutted.. He Said That Eric Clapton Will Be Upset Cos Jacko Taught Him Everythin He Knows – Whoever That Is Lyk.. Me Uncle Rob, Who Is Pure Evertons Biggest Fan, Said That Liverpool Tried To Sign Jacko To Do The Half-Time Entertainment At Anfield Bt They Couldnt Afford Him..

The DJ Billy Butler Said On Radio Merseyside That They Are Goin To Put A Statue Of Jacko In Williamson Square Where He Used To Play.. I Think That Would Be A Great Idea To Hve A Memorial To Him Bt I Cant See It Happenin Really Even Though I Hpe It Does..

This Is The Last Story Of The Nutters, Me Dad Says He Doesnt Know Anymore For Me To Write About && That I Will Just Hve To Think About Me Own Things To Write About Now.. I Think Its Dead Sad That There Just Are No More Nutters These Days Cos They Was Just Innocent People Who Never Hurt No One (Except Aki).. Ya Pure Just Not Allowed To Be A Nutter No More.. All The Nice Nutters Who Never Hurt No One Lyk Billy Beephorn, Jacko, Jaffa && Pete The Pigeon Dont Exist Anymore.. They Were Just Harmless People Who Never Hurt No One Bt These Days Ya Just Get Abuse Frm Big Issue Sellers.. Its Up To You If Ya Wanna Buy A Maggo Off Them Or Not, Ya Shouldnt Hve To Get Shit Just Cos Ya Say No!!

I Wish I Lived Back In The Olden Days When People Just Left Ya Alone To Do What Ya Wanted Instead Of Bullyin Ya Not To Do Things Or Sayin Ya Will Pure Get An ASBO If Ya Do Stuff..

I Bet It Was Sound In The Olden Days..

Traa xx

This Post Is A Rewrite.
Some of the Characters in this post originally appeared on Jammy Toast many years ago in the Andreaesse Language. Andreaa then re-wrote their stories on Andreaa’s Blog which she has accused me of ‘destroying’ when we restarted Jammy Toast. To appease the Mighty Andreaa, we have agreed she has decided that she will rewrite her favourite posts in English rather than her Andreaesse language. She maintains that you Toasters have never had the opportunity to read these posts. That, of course, is my fault too. Our little arrangement is worse than being married, you know!
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Garfield is copyright © Paws, Inc. If you like the cartoons we reproduce here on Jammy Toast, please consider purchasing some of the Garfield official merchandise. These are available through Garfield.com where you can view them in full-colour and at a higher quality!


Posted By

Andreaa Kurby

I Am Andreaa && I Am Havin A Boss Time Ere Writin On The Blog && Tha.. I Feel Proper Ashamed, The F*ckin State Of It.. Davidd Told Me If Ya Hav A Blog All Ya Have To Do Is Write Little Stories Abowt Ya Life Bt I Said No, I Cant Write Nothin.. I Neva Evn Passed Me GCSE English.. Bt He Bullies Me Yerno, So Me Stories Are Usually Shit..


58 Comments on “The Rest Of The Nutters”

    1. He didn’t actually chase the lad onto the track he just turned up at New Brighton station after having chased him previously and one of his mates said “Aki’s here again” and so the lad ran away. Aki didn’t chase after him so was only found guilty of involuntary manslaughter alongside indecent assault and harassment of 14 different boys. He was sentenced to 30 months in prison. The judge decided that Aki’s presence on the platform caused Gary Kelly’s death.

  1. They should make a ‘scouse’ version of Candyman the horror film about him. In the film, if you look into a mirror and say “Purple Aki” five times then he appears.

  2. Flights been delayed as they hit a bird on the way to Rhodes and the engineers have to check for damage and the pilot has to complete an incident form too

    No fuckers said how the bird is yet?

  3. Remember them magazines you used to be able to buy and every issue you’d get a piece of model to make the whole kit. Cost about £790 to make a plane that would normally cost £15!

  4. I was sad but then remembered there were Oreos in the pantry which made me happy then I found that my kids ate them all and left the empty package in the pantry now I’m sad again.

  5. Was looking at a photo of Dorothy going into the veranda? It’s taken from behind so its not a very flattering photo of her, and I think it’s best if we don’t tell her about it. Girls can be a bit touchy sometimes. With Dorothy it’s ‘most’ times.

  6. Rabbit jumped into a hollow and Pooh and Piglet jumped after him. They crouched in the bracken, listening. The Forest was very silent when you stopped and listened to it. They could see nothing and hear nothing. “H’sh!” said Rabbit. “I am,” said Pooh.

  7. Rolf report 11 Oct

    Here’s my family’s daily campus delivery routine. The humans drive me to campus so I don’t have to cross any roads. They park the catmobile & take me to a favourite spot to unleash me. I then patrol campus & wander home when I’m ready for food & sleep.

    Rolf x

  8. If UK gov is going to shut businesses and stop people from working – compensate them 100%

    Not 66% or £1000 every 2 weeks

    #EndTheLockdowns

    #BettyforPM

  9. It’s a beautiful autumn morning & I’m mooching about in the leaves having a good sniff. I’m doing one of those sensory nature trails, I can smell hedgehogs, foxes & squirrels, this playground is busy even when school is closed!

  10. It’s quite straightforward, lush. If you don’t wake me up at 1am, breathing gin fumes in my face, demanding a beak kiss… I won’t nip you…

  11. Going out for something to eat is a joke. No wonder why no ones going the boozer. Interrogated at the door.

    Joke this turning people away because there from the same house holds here unreal.

  12. People think their cooler than everyone else cos they’ve got loads of followers when in reality we’d all have the same amount if people didn’t keep getting banned!

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