To Shave Or Not To Shave, That Is The Question

Posted by TJ Chimpton on
Category: Health/Wealth64 Comments

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Last week I was due for operation number two as operation number one didn’t exactly go to plan and my bladder went into spasm. I have been pissing through a straw ever since. This is just another example of why my middle name is Lucky! I always wonder when it comes to operations, just what condition my lady garden should be in. Ordinarily, my personal garden is kept fur free as I am not too keen on a hairy beaver. I am not sure if other girlies are the same, but when having an operation I often wonder if it is more acceptable to have some grass on the pitch. In my head I’m thinking the surgeons will be looking and thinking, “Oooh, we have a dirty girty here who is fully shaved.” I have asked a few friends and they always say they just keep their garden neat and well pruned so I start agonising over whether the surgeons and nurses think I’m filth. I do usually end up thinking that I am total filth anyway so fuck it!

I arrive on time at the hospital and give my letter to the receptionist who is in her late 40s and about 10 stone over weight. She is slumped in her chair with the greasiest hair I’ve ever seen draped over the back. She didn’t bother to look up as I slid the letter into her greasy hand which any Russian shot-putter would have been proud of. She muttered something about me taking a seat.

Another, much younger, receptionist joined her as she started muttering in a high pitched voice that she was worried. Apparently she had just read on Snapchat something about this Coronavirus affecting the economy and how we should all be worried over it. So the older, Miss Trunchbull lookalike, asked her newly arrived friend, June, what the economy was.

June replied, “OMG fancy asking me, I haven’t got a clue!”

At this point a nurse enters the fray and Miss Trunchbull asks, “Hey Dawn, do you know what the economy is?”

“Errrr, no, is this a trick question?” asks Dawn.

I suddenly realise that these people worked for the NHS. These were the people whose hands I was putting my life into. I had the urge to smash my own teeth in with a toffee hammer at this point.

A short while later the receptionist came over and asked me to sign the consent form for the operation. I did think twice before actually committing pen to paper but decided that the waiting list is a joke, I can hardly refuse after waiting months for the operation in the first place.

After I have signed the form, I am escorted into the changing rooms to take my clothes off. I was wearing my rather fashionable “Birko” designer jeans with torn knees, which is all the fashion these days, along with a pair of big, heavy Timberland boots. The nurse tells me it is okay to leave my shoes and socks on as I change into the hospital gown. The nurse then returned and escorted me down the corridor with me in their gown and my huge Timberland boots. I felt a right knobhead and must have looked like Max Wall doing his funny walk!

So off I walk to the theatre. Every other hospital in the world have porters who wheel you into the operating theatre on a trolley but for some reason at Clatterbridge they make you walk doing an impression of Max Wall’s Professor Wallofski.

As I am lying on the operating table the surgeon shows me the instruments he will be using for my little procedure. I was thinking of foregoing the anaesthetic and just passing out when I saw the size of them – Holy shit, they are massive!

Seeing the look on my face, he tells me not to worry as women are quite flexible in the genital area and with a little manipulation the instruments will fit quite snuggly. I thought to myself that there is “flexible” and then there is a “wizard’s sleeve”!

So the result of my little excursion to Clatterbridge is that I am still pissing through a straw. I am to be seen again in four months to see what steps can be taken in the continuing saga of Chimpton’s extremities.

I think I will leave the Timberlands at home for the next appointment, though!

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About the Author

TJ Chimpton

A small Chimpton who looks after Eddie Bear and his friends and family who also loves riding her bicycle out in the big wide world. An animal lover who has a passion for anything skin, anti-ageing beauty or vintage related. She is also a MEFF!

64 Comments on “To Shave Or Not To Shave, That Is The Question”

  1. If we treat the lockdown like the Strangeways Riots timeline, we are now out of the chapel and busy beating up sex offenders on the nonce wing. Tomorrow we will be on the roof pushing chimney pots over.

  2. Here at Jammy Toast we think we have found a cure for Coronavirus…

    Brother bought a coconut, he bought it for a dime
    His sister had another one she paid it for the lime
    You put the lime in the coconut, you drink ’em bot’ together
    Put the lime in the coconut and you’ll feel better
    Put the lime in the coconut, drink ’em bot’ up
    Put the lime in the coconut and call me in the morning
    Woo-oo-ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh

  3. I walk my dog every day. Today, I have seen more people running than all the previous days of this year put together. Tell people to stay and they go out. Tell them to go out, they stay in. Can’t win!

  4. Does anyone have any idea what percentage of UK population has underlying health issues? I have no clue, but it seems odd that everyone who dies from coronavirus has underlying health issues. Worries me.

  5. Some of you are quarantined with a person you have to have sex with but I have toilet paper and fresh chicken and am sex free since 2018 so who’s the winner now?

  6. ‘Daffodowndilly’
    She wore her yellow sun-bonnet,
    She wore her greenest gown;
    She turned to the south wind
    And curtsied up and down.
    She turned to the sunlight
    And shook her yellow head,
    And whispered to her neighbour
    “Winter is dead.”

  7. Rolf report 25 March

    As my family is socially isolating, they are having food & goods delivered which means lots more boxes and big paper bags for me to play with. Many of them are perfectly Rolf-shaped. A great distraction for me now that they’re not taking me to campus.

    Rolf x

  8. I found this strange little plant in the greenhouse the other day. I stared at it, trying to work out what it was. It didn’t look like anything the humans would eat. It had little pointed spikes on it so I decided to leave it alone. Have you ever come across something like that?

    1. My Da has worked all his life never claimed dole 52 years he’s worked he’s been off sick for 4 weeks and hasn’t received a penny Illness ye know why? The doctor forgot to put his address on the form. No phone call they just left him and basically said starve it’ll be done when it’s done.

  9. It might be a little while before the school playing field gets mowed again, but I don’t care. The long grass is perfect for me to pretend I’m a great hunter creeping up on bugs and butterflies. Have a good day friends and stay safe. :paws:

  10. Went from 12 hour work days to 16 hour work days. Oh and my boys are at home alone “home schooling” themselves.

    New wife needed ASAP.

    Can provide toilet paper and hand sanitizer.

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